It seems that the only time I write in this weblog is when I’m feeling down. Such is the case now as I make this holiday entry. I am not feeling any Christmas cheer, not even in the slightest. I cannot remember a worse Christmas than this one. That isn’t to say that horrible things are happening, because they aren’t. What it does mean, though, is that this is the first Christmas I’ve had that was downright disheartening. I could look on the positive side and be thankful for every other Christmas in the past being a thorough joy, but I cannot bring myself to think outside of the here and now.
This must be the holiday blues that so many people feel. It all just hit me like a rush today, Christmas Eve. I have been avoiding the fact that I am in a loveless marriage and live thousands of miles away from my home country with absolutely no friends here. Now, this is all in addition to the most upsetting thing in my life – my estrangement from my first son, Cameron. That reality weighs upon me daily but having all the other turmoil come to the surface with it sinks my spirits into absolute despair.
One would think that my wife would offer some encouragement and comfort. However, “one” would not know my wife, if that were the thinking. Shu Mei has always marched to the beat of a different drummer, her own drummer with her own beat. It is difficult enough to try and understand Shu Mei because she is a woman, but what makes it even more of an impossible task is that she comes from a different culture. I have often thought that Shu Mei isn’t just from a different race, but actually from a different species than me. I cannot help but think that her brain must somehow be wired differently. There seems to be no rhyme or reason why she does some things.
I’d like to explain myself, but I can’t muster up the energy to do so. I’m so far in the dumps that it wouldn’t even help me let off some steam, which was the original goal of writing this post. I just realized that thinking about and writing about these things is hurting my psyche, instead of the sought-after positive impact. I feel so very alone right now. Shu Mei took the boys out to eat without me, but that’s not really why I feel alone. I feel alone because I am honestly just that, alone. I don’t feel like anyone is in my court right now, nor have they been for a very long time.
I’m going to go lie down now and try to sleep some of this away. Hopefully, I’ll never wake up. What I meant by stating that wasn’t that I want to die, but that I want to cease existing. It might sound like the same thing, but it isn’t – in my mind, at least. I believe in a life-after-death, so wanting to leave this life for another life makes no sense to me. Problems will invariably follow me wherever I go. However, if I could make it so I don’t exist, in either place, I most certainly would.
I believe that Our Heavenly Father is all-powerful. If He chooses, he could make me so that I don’t exist. I would pray for that to happen, but I doubt he’d grant it. I’ve not done anything to merit receiving that particular blessing. Suffering seems to be an integral part of my existence and doesn’t look like it will be going away any time soon.