In my first marriage, I was a terrible husband. I have stated that in numerous entries. I have carried around a lot of guilt for how I mishandled myself back then. I should have acted more maturely, but I didn’t. Luckily, I learned from my mistakes in the past and have tried my best to make each relationship after that time as successful as I could. Yes, there were mistakes I made in all of them, but nothing huge. I worked diligently to make each relationship successful. However, for one reason or another, each one ended in a breakup. Now, I am on the verge of yet another. My wife told me today, three days before I leave for America, that she won’t go to counseling with me.
She said it out of spite because I had accused her that she never does anything I want to do. We spoke via Skype, and she began talking about yet another job posting that she thought I should apply for. The job is in Taipei, and it is for someone to proofread a technical manual that had been translated from English to Portuguese. For some reason, possibly because I learned Portuguese as a missionary in Brazil, Shu Mei thought I would be qualified for the job. I tried to explain to her that I haven’t spoken that language for over 23 years, and even then I had a limited vocabulary. I certainly wasn’t knowledgeable enough to correct Portuguese grammar in a technical manual, and I’m even less so now. Unfortunately, when Shu Mei gets something in her mind, there is no backing down for her. She tried to make me feel bad, by saying that I was just too scared to apply for the job. She has sent me job postings in the past, ones that I was also entirely unqualified for, and she feels that I am just not trying hard enough to upgrade myself in my financial status.
I tried yet again to explain to her that I was not qualified for the job, so I feel it would be a waste of time to even apply for it. I tried to make an analogy that she would understand. I asked her if she could correct an English manual of the same nature. She said that her English wasn’t good enough to do that. I said, “Well, my Portuguese is even worse than your English.” It didn’t work. She missed the point entirely and continued to try and make me feel like I wasn’t trying hard enough to get a better job. For Shu Mei, the only way for me to get more money is to get a better job. My plan, to make a computer-based English training program and market it throughout Asia, is utterly crazy to her. She has it in her mind that the best thing for me to do is get a better job, probably one in Taipei.
First and foremost, that isn’t the plan I have. Second, it would put me away from my sons for five (5) days at a time. Third, I don’t want to work for another big corporation, like the one I was with when I worked for the airlines. I enjoy having the freedom to conduct my job tasks as I see fit. I don’t aspire to have another corporate job where I have managers over me that monitor everything I do, managers that have less knowledge about my job I do.
Because she got so frustrated, Shu Mei ended up hanging up on me. It was just after I got frustrated that she wasn’t respecting my position. I said to her, “I don’t want to do this. I don’t have to do it just because you want me to. I mean, I have done almost everything that you’ve wanted me to do, but you have done nothing that I want you to do. So, don’t feel bad because I am not going to apply for that job. Just compare what I have done for you with what you have done for me.” She said, “I have done nothing for you!? Fine, I’m not going to counseling then.” I replied, “Well, I hope that you’re not going to counseling because I want you to go. I hope you’re doing it because you feel it is the right thing to do for us. I mean, I want you to go because you want to go, not because I want you to go.” Then, she disconnected.
This is the third time she has prematurely disconnected a conversation we have had on Skype since she’s been in America. She gets frustrated every time I disagree with her. Luckily for her, it is rare that I disagree. I know she will get frustrated, so I choose to go along with whatever she wants, most of the time, to avoid problems. I call this “throwing myself into the relationship.” There is very little I wouldn’t do to make my marriage work. I do not want another divorce. I do not want Billy and Tyley to have to go through what Cameron did. It is to that end that I am doing everything I possibly can to make my marriage successful. But, that doesn’t include being on a leash for Shu Mei to lead me around wherever she chooses. To me, that is not a marriage.
Communication is vital for our relationship to be successful. Sadly, Shu Mei is not a good communicator. That concerns me, as I don’t know how we’ll ever work through our problems unless I know what she is feeling. She projects herself on me by saying that I am not communicating with her, but that is extremely laughable. To prove that to you, the reader, I tallied up the email messages Shu Mei has sent me since she’s been in America and compared them to the email messages I have sent her during the same time frame. The differences are staggering.
First of all, Shu Mei has sent me a total of only ten (10) messages, five (5) of which were just links to job postings. On the other hand, I have sent her a total of twenty-seven (27) messages. I must admit that two of those were also just links to random job postings. I did that as an attempt to show her that she was as qualified for those random job postings as I was for the ones she was sending me, not in the least qualified. Now, that’s a five-to-one difference. However, when I ran our messages through a word count application, the difference was enormous! Shu Mei’s messages had a word count total of just one hundred and thirty-five (135) words. Mine had a total of a whopping eight thousand three hundred and ninety-nine (8,399) words! Now, who is communicating and who is not? Once again, there is “the pudding.”
I don’t know what will happen when I get to America if Shu Mei will end up going to counseling with me. But, I hope that if she does, she does it to try and make our marriage work out. I am tired of her making a bad situation worse. When we have these disagreements, they don’t need to be end-all happenings. I mean, people disagree. It’s normal. Shu Mei cannot understand that concept, though. To her, there should be no disagreements in our marriage. And that, my dear reader, isn’t possible. Well, it isn’t possible and have a successful marriage. The two don’t go hand-in-hand, slavery and love. I’ll only hope for the best and see what happens.