It’s close to 5:30 am as I begin this entry. I was lying in bed since shortly after 1 a.m., trying desperately to fall asleep. I did manage to fall into a shallow rest, which brought on all sorts of strange dreams, but I never fell deeper than that. I feel that the culprit of my insomnia was a big nap I took after returning home from work yesterday. I have been painting some rooms in my house, which is more physical activity than I have been accustomed to over the past several years. Instead of giving me more energy, this activity has made me extremely tired. Such was the case upon my returning home last evening, and I lay down on the couch and feel immediately into a blissful slumber. Now, I am paying the consequences. I believe that altered my biological clock and I have my day mixed up with my night. It’s a good thing that I have tomorrow off. Undoubtedly, I’ll sleep through part of it. That is IF I can finally fall asleep.
A few years ago, a doctor prescribed some sleeping pills for me, Ambien. There was a small quantity to see me through a time when I was on another medication that made it difficult for me to sleep. I thought I had some of those pills still left, but I couldn’t find anywhere the medicine is kept. I felt like a drug user, desperately searching through the packets of medication for my “fix” of Ambien. (In Taiwan, if you are ill, the doctors tend to prescribe many different medicines for you that come in plastic packets.) While searching, I saw the Rohypnol and thought about doubling up on the dosage I took before. I wrote another entry about that test, and how Rohypnol did not affect me. I’m still a bit leery of the drug, so I set that notion aside.
I feel like I’m rambling on in this entry, with little of substance to say. Indeed, I’m sure of it. But, that’s what people who are suffering from insomnia do when given an outlet to communicate. It is either this or bug my wife and kids in America, via Skype. As I had already spoken to them, just before I attempted to go to sleep, I will spare them the suffering. I’ll leave the burden of enduring my meaningless words to you, the reader. (Don’t you feel special?)
One thought I just had, which is pretty amazing that I could have a coherent thought while in this state, was about my son Cameron. Since learning of his email address, I have written him a couple of messages announcing that I would be coming to America and would love to see him. Later, I learned of his myspace.com account and wrote him a couple of messages there. Now, I know that he’s read those, as it says when people have last logged on, and he’s logged on after the messages were left. Sadly, he has not replied to any of the messages I have sent. I even gave him my parents’ address and phone number and encouraged him to call or visit them. He has done neither.
It makes me sad to think that he doesn’t care enough to try and have some sort of relationship with me. I can’t help but think what I would want if I were him. Without a doubt, I would want to communicate with my father and bond with him in any way I could. Also, I would most assuredly want to spend time with my aging grandparents, knowing that they are a part of my family and won’t be around for much longer. However, I am not him. I do not know what is going through his mind. I have no idea how he has decided that no communication is the best course of action.
My parents live but a short 25-minute drive from Cameron’s house, or at least the house I last knew him to live in (his mother’s). I will be staying at my folks’ home through August, having joined up with Shu Mei and the boys who are already there and have been for more than a month now. I wish Cameron would see me when I am there, if but for a short time, but I doubt he will make an effort. As I said, I have sent several messages addressing this very desire of mine. I am not going to “stalk” him and go to see him. I respect his privacy. If he doesn’t want to see me, that is his choice. I still love him, no matter what. He is my son and will forever remain as such.