T.B. or V.D.
A man goes to a doctor. He says, “Doctor, I don’t know if my wife has T.B. or V.D.” The doctor says, “Chase her around the bed. If she doesn’t cough, fuck her.”
A man has the words “I love you” tattooed to his dick. He goes home to his wife. The wife says, “Stop trying to put words in my mouth!”
An old Jew is taking a walk. He sees a lamp, picks it up and rubs it. A genie pops out. Then the genie says, “I’ll grant you one wish.” So, the old Jew reaches into his pocket, takes out a crumpled map, and he says, “You see this area? This is called the Middle East. There’s been nothing but war and bloodshed there for centuries. Can you do something?” The genie goes, “Even with my power, I can’t do anything about that area. Can I grant you another wish?” So, the old Jew says, “Well, I’ve been married for forty years, and my wife has never given me a blowjob. Could you get her to do that just once for me?” And the genie goes, “Can I take a look at that map again?”
A man goes over to his wife and hands her two aspirin tablets and a glass of water. She goes, “What’s this for? I don’t have a headache.” He goes, “Good! Let’s fuck!”
A woman is lying in bed with her husband. As they’re lying in bed together, the husband turns to the woman and asks, “Can you please give me a blowjob?” And she goes, “No. If I gave you a blowjob, you’d never respect me.” He goes, “I would respect you. We’ve been married for twenty years. Please, give me a blowjob.” She goes, “You’re not going to respect me.” He goes, “We’ve raised two beautiful children.” And she goes, “No. I don’t think you’ll respect me.” He goes, “No, I promise. I swear to you I’ll respect you.” So, finally, she says, “Okay,” And gives him a blowjob. Afterward, she goes, “Well, did I… did I do it okay?” He goes, “How should I know? You’re the cocksucker!”
A man is in a bar drinking. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He goes up to the bartender and says, “I’m in trouble now. When my wife finds out I got so drunk that I puked on my shirt, she’ll kill me.” The bartender says, “Don’t worry about it. Look, here’s what you do. Take a ten-dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go home to your wife and say some other guy got drunk and he puked on your shirt, and he said, ‘I’m sorry, here’s ten dollars to have it cleaned.'” And the guy goes, “I’ll try that,” and he goes back to his wife and says, “I was in the bar. I got puked on my shirt by a guy, and he gave me this ten dollars here to have it cleaned.” And the wife looks, and she goes, “He gave you twenty dollars!” And the guy goes, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, he also shit in my pants!”
Last night I said to my wife, “You’ve got a tight cunt and no tits.” She said, “Get off my back!”
Where It Smells
I was in the car with my wife. She said, “Kiss me where it smells.” So, I drove her to New Jersey.
Mother In Shower
A little boy walks into the bathroom and accidentally catches his mother in the shower. And the mother’s standing there terrified. The little boy goes, “What’s that?” She goes, “Oh, um, well, last night your father and I got into an argument, and he got furious and hit me with an ax.” And the little boy goes, “Wow! He hit you right in the cunt!”
A little boy asks his parents, “Mom and Dad, where do babies come from?” The mother and father look at each other nervously. Then, the mother says, “A stork brings them.” The little boy goes, “Yeah? Who fucks the stork?”
A Polish kid comes home from school. He goes, “Mom and Dad! Today the teacher asked a question. I was the only kid that could answer it!” They look at him proudly, and the mother says, “That’s great! What was the question?” The kid goes, “‘Who farted?'”
A man comes home to his wife. He goes, “Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!” And she goes, “What should I pack?” He goes, “I don’t care! Just pack them and get the fuck out!”
A guy is fooling around with his wife. She goes, “Stick your finger in my cunt.” He says, “Okay.” So, he sticks his finger in her cunt. Then, she goes, “Stick your whole hand in my cunt.” So, he sticks his whole hand in, and she goes, “Now, stick your other hand in.” And he sticks his other hand in. Now she goes, “Move your hands up all the way to the wrists.” He’s up to his wrists. And she goes, “Now, move your arms all the way up to the elbows.” And now he’s up to his elbows, and she goes, “Move your arms all the way up to the shoulders.” He’s got both his arms in her cunt all the way up to his shoulders. She says, “Okay, clap!” And he struggles to do it, “Uhhhh, Ewwww… I can’t!” And she goes, “Tight, huh?”
My wife said, “Fuck me eight inches and hurt me!” So, I fucked her twice with four inches and punched her in the nose.
John O’Riley is a member of an Irish Toast Masters’ Club. One evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest is held to see who can deliver the best toast. Well, John O’Riley wins the contest with the following verse: “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent between the legs o’ me wife.” When John O’Riley arrives home, his beautiful wife asks him how the Toast Masters’ meeting went, and he says, “I won the contest for the best toast of the evening.” His wife then asks him what his toast was, and he says “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent in Church wi’ me wife.” His wife then says, “Why John, that’s so nice of you to include me in your toast.” The next morning, Mrs. O’Riley is downtown shopping and runs into the local policeman on the beat who had also been at the Toast Masters meeting with her husband. He says, “Hello, Mrs. O’Riley. That was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize!” “Yes, that’s what he told me,” says Mrs. O’Riley, “But he wasn’t quite honest with the facts. He’s only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. “Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian. Discussion ensues, and finally, the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny wiener – about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. “I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!” “No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his schlong grows until it’s quite impressively long. “Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.” “No problem,” he says and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his dick grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. “Wow!” she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?” “It was horrible,” he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”
A guy robs a bank, and he takes hostages. He says to the first hostage, “Did you see me rob the bank?” And the guy says, “Yeah.” So, he shoots him in the head. He says to the next hostage, “Did you see me rob the bank?” And the guy says, “No, but my wife did!”
Middle of the Forest
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… Is he still wrong?
For their 25th anniversary, a man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel. The wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you 25 years ago, what was going through your mind?” The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.” Then, as the wife undresses, she asks, “What are you thinking now?” He replies, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”