State of Confusion

I really wish I knew what Shu Mei’s intentions are. If I ask her outright, she will undoubtedly respond in a negative way. Just the mere act of asking her what her plans are would probably push her into acting harshly, which is something I don’t want. So, I maintain my distance. But, is that the right thing to do? I mean, I did that in my first marriage and I ended up losing everything, including my son. I can’t go through that again. I would have to commit suicide, as Billy and Tyley are the only happiness I have in life now. They bring me great joy and I even miss them now, as I sit and write this entry from school, between classes.

I remember saying to myself that if I were to get a divorce again, I would have to immediately get the services of the lowest, most conniving, snake-like lawyer I could find. That way, I would be certain to end up with at least something in the end, rather than the nothing I got the last time. By waiting, as I am now doing, I could be putting myself in jeopardy. It gives Shu Mei more than enough time to get all her ducks in a row.

Shu Mei could be getting a good lawyer and filing for divorce already, which would immediately give her the upper hand. She has been known to say one thing and do the opposite. So, just because she said I could have the two boys on two occasions since the family get-together on Saturday, doesn’t mean she would actually be willing to go through with it. If she is getting a lawyer now, she could be persuaded to seek sole custody of the boys, leaving me in the lurch.

This situation is very difficult for me, as I don’t want a divorce. I do want family therapy, though. I feel our problems will never be resolved until we actually sit down with someone and discuss them in a calm sober way. Though Shu Mei doesn’t see it that way, it is blatantly obvious to me. I just don’t know how serious she is about this divorce thing. I misjudged Tara, thinking she would come around and give our marriage a chance, and I lost everything. Will that happen again? If it does, there is nothing to live for. Shu Mei means very little to me, for she is just unmet-potential, but the boys are my everything, for they give me more happiness than I could have ever thought possible.

Regarding financial matters, I’m pretty certain we have some sort of savings. Shu Mei has never shared that information with me, choosing to view knowledge as power and not wanting to give up her “power”, but I know she is not the type to not have any money in the bank – and we have been very frugal. I believe that we actually don’t owe any money to a lending institution. I may be incorrect, but I believe that Shu Mei got a loan from her mother to pay off a loan we had for the car and other things. Furthermore, even that loan may be paid off, because that was the reason Shu Mei wanted to work those part-time hours teaching school.

If Shu Mei is shrewed with money, as I know she is, and if she is pursuing a divorce, as she very well may be doing, she will do something to keep that savings money from me. If I knew that she was indeed pursuing a divorce, I would go to the bank and withdraw any savings we have now. I would use a portion of that money to acquire the services of a lawyer, arranging a payment plan with him or her. Then, I would rent a place of my own and take the boys to live with me there. I have read that divorces here, if they go through the court system, could take as long as a year or two. That would give me enough time to get my ducks in order.

I have also read that there is precedence for Taiwanese married to foreigners seeking divorce to have to split the assets in half. I read an account similar to mine, where the Taiwanese wife owned the house the couple were living in at the time of the divorce. The divorce decree ordered the woman to sell the house and give half the money to her ex-husband. I’m not sure if that would be possible in my case, but it’s something to discuss with a lawyer – that is, if I get one. I’m just really perplexed as to what I should do. I don’t want to make the same mistake I did with Tara, taking a wait-and-see attitude. That could end up in disaster.

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