A Bleak and Dreary State

No, the title of this entry isn’t about Taiwan’s air quality, though it could be as there have literally been only two days this entire year that I’ve seen a blue sky, believe it or not. No, this entry is about my current state of emotions.

My mood today got about as low as it has in a long time. I lingered on the brink of going into a state of depression. I have not been diligent about updating this weblog, so it may come as a surprise to a reader of this entry that I am of such low spirits. I mean well, but when I go to write something here I think about the idiom “If you can’t say anything positive, don’t say anything at all.” So, I don’t say anything. I just silently endure the dread of another day in the life of BB Iverson.

The truth is that very little in my life is enjoyable. In fact, aside from the time spent with my sons and a few personal achievements I have as a teacher, nothing brings me any happiness. I try not to reflect upon all the misery in my life, clinging to those two things that I hold dear, but it is often unavoidable, as it was today. I found myself sinking into a deep despair today. Luckily, it is a Sunday so I didn’t miss any work. To date, I have never missed work for any kind of illness, let alone a mental one like this.

It really doesn’t take much to pull me out of the despair, just a few words of encouragement here and there. However, those words don’t come. I tried to contact my parents via Skype this morning. Normally, they are online Sunday mornings, as they like to video chat with Billy and Tyley. But, they weren’t online today. Shu Mei was in her normal non-communicative state, so there was no positive energy garnered there. (There never has been.) Billy and Tyley played with me a few minutes before going to church (I didn’t feel well enough to go), but then I was left alone. I fell asleep, brooding over my life problems, and woke up four hours later to the doorbell ringing.

I opened the window and saw that it was my Church Ward’s second counselor to the Bishop. He was there with his wife and son. He told me that he was looking for Shu Mei. I said that she wasn’t home and asked if they saw her at Church. They said that they didn’t. I felt that odd and gave him her mother’s number to call, thinking she might be there. He called, but was told that she wasn’t there. Then, I gave him her cell phone number. He called it and I heard it ring inside the kitchen. (Frequently, Shu Mei forgets to take it with her.) Then, they left, saying they would call later.

About thirty minutes later, Shu Mei and the boys came home. I asked her how Church was and she said, “Okay”. I told her that the second counselor had visited with his family. Shu Mei said, “I forgot.” I thought that was a rather strange response and asked her what she forgot. She walked away to the kitchen. Billy then told me that the second counselor was coming over to fix the computer, because Billy couldn’t play a game on it. I figured that was not the case, just an imaginative statement by Billy because he was probably thinking about computer games. When Shu Mei came back into the room, she was talking on the cordless phone. I knew I’d never get anything more from her for a few hours, as that is the normal time she spends talking to a friend on the phone.

I don’t know if I have ever shared this in an entry, so I’m going to now. Shu Mei normally speaks less than ten words to me in an entire day, but can speak for hours on end to her friends on the telephone. I am 100 percent certain that she hates me, and the feeling is pretty close to mutual. However, I am also 100 percent certain that she has given up hope that anything will ever be different, whereas I haven’t. I don’t enjoy this loveless marriage. Who would? It is a major drag on my emotional state and an impassable obstacle toward true happiness. I can’t understand how Shu Mei finds it tolerable, but she does. In fact, she seems to enjoy going out of her way to create even more problems between us on a daily basis. While I am trying to draw us together, she continually seeks to push us apart. She knows my feelings, for I have stated them on numerous occasions. I haven’t a clue what hers are, though, except that her actions lend me to believe she wants us to be as distant as any two people could be.

I bring this all up because I fear I am losing my mind. Not only did I fall into a depressing slumber this morning for four hours, but I did it again later in the afternoon, for another two hours. Shu Mei came and went without a word as to her whereabouts, which is her normal way. Literally, I could have died today and she wouldn’t have found out about it until this evening, when she returned from one of her mysterious trips. I suspect if that were to have occurred, she would have a party. I’m certain that she believes I am her pet peeve, just as my first wife did. It seems to be the story of my life.

I mentioned my parents before, and how I tried to contact them. I must say that I do this out of desperation, for they don’t really help me in these times of need. They are doing as they did initially with my ex-wife, writing off my feelings and emotions as if they are meaningless. With time, they discovered that my ex-wife was not as angelic as they had believed her to be. But, it doesn’t stop them from doing the same thing again with Shu Mei. In their eyes, I am the one with all the problems. They just don’t want to hear about Shu Mei’s problems. They are great parents, but they have a lot left to be desired in the supportive department. I strive to not repeat that misgiving with my own children.

Now that I have seemingly alienated everyone around me (though, they were the instigators of the separation), I have to admit that I’m very proud of myself for surviving all of this emotional abuse. I don’t know what it is that keeps me going, but I’m certainly grateful to Our Heavenly Father for giving it to me. I understand that there are many who have far worse problems than I do, as far as physical things go. But now I understand how money cannot bring happiness – even though I don’t even have money! Hehe! I can see now how wealthy people could have a lot of problems, if their lives are joyless and they are surrounded by people who don’t inspire them to greatness.

That last statement seemed to be heading in a direction I do not wish to go. I don’t want to blame anyone for my problems except myself. So, I won’t. In the end, it is I who has to live with myself and I can’t hold anyone or anything else accountable for who I am. God has seen fit to allow me to go through these tests for a reason, I believe. And I must try to do it as well as I can. Each day, I pray several times for His guidance. For as long as I can remember, I have asked Our Father to help me find motivation to do the things that I am capable of, to make my life as good as it can be. So far, I haven’t found that motivation, but I haven’t lost hope.

I would feel remiss if I didn’t bring up the anxiety I am feeling about two things that are coming up. The first one is a teaching demonstration that I must give in two weeks at the school where I work. It is for the whole English department and I am confused as to what I should do. My normal lesson teaching is far from… well, normal. So, I can’t do that. I need to find something else to do.

The other thing I feel anxiety about is the trip to the US that Shu Mei, the two boys, and later I, will take. Shu Mei and the boys are going first and will be there for two months before I join them. Those two months will be sheer hell for me as I don’t even like to be away from Billy and Tyley during the day when I am at work. Then, the month I am there will be no heaven, as I will see friends and family members who came from the same background as I did, but went on to become far more successful than I have. What a joy that will be – NOT!

Again, nobody cares about my feelings regarding this. Shu Mei just wants to pursue some enterprising endeavor in the US, which I am not privy to. And my parents just wish to see their two grandchildren again, without having to come here to Taiwan. I am continually expected to make sacrifices and seem to get nothing in return for it. Rewards in heaven? I don’t think so, given my negative attitude toward this life.

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