Be forewarned, this entry contains words of a sexually explicit nature. If such things offend you, I advise against reading it.
I addressed my inability to convince my wife, Shu Mei, to do anything about her appearance in the first part of this rant, which leads me to my next point. Trying to look my best for a woman that never even makes one minuscule effort toward being attractive to me, seems pointless. And itâ??s not just her appearance that distresses me. Here demeanor leaves a lot to be desired, too. Lately, she has taken to making these masculine guttural sounds when responding to questions directed at her, instead of a polite â??yesâ?? or â??noâ??.
I believe this is a cultural thing, as I have noticed other women of Shu Meiâ??s age doing the same thing in Taiwan. The kind of sounds Iâ??m talking about is akin to that which the stereotypical witch makes, sort of a low-level cackling. I find it unpleasant and have asked Shu Mei to try and communicate with words, instead of cavewoman (or caveman, rather) sounds. That, combined with her throaty snoring at night makes me really not want to hear from her at all.
Having brought up all those horrible feelings I have about Shu Meiâ??s appearance and demeanor, I still feel there is hope for us. However, it has got to be from both of us. I cannot do it alone. The plain and simple truth is that Shu Mei has distanced herself from me. Apparently, she has no intention of every putting any real effort into changing despite the fact that she got married to me. Honestly, I have no idea what marriage means to her.
The big reason that I quite trying to be intimate with Shu Mei isnâ??t because I find her unattractive. In the past, I have had sex with many women I found unattractive. Believe me, my libido has never been a problem. What happened was that I tried several times to initiate intimacy with Shu Mei and was rejected every time. This went on through the first two years of our marriage, time-after-time. I just got to a point where I decided that enough was enough, and I quite trying.
Shortly after that, Shu Mei began making some half-assed advances toward me. I say â??half-assedâ?? because there werenâ??t that many of them and they always came at a time when I was ill or tired from working a double-shift. What she was doing was getting rid of her guilt from rejecting me all those times by turning the table and setting it up so I would reject her. I knew what Shu Mei was doing, but I didnâ??t care. I just didnâ??t have the energy to take her to task. She was just being selfish again.
Often times, I feel sort of like Charles Foster Kane in the movie Citizen Kane. I want people to love me, but I want them to love me on my own terms â?? not on theirs. Such has been the case with Shu Mei. My parents repeatedly tell me how lucky I am to have her, because she complements me, but what they donâ??t understand is that â??complementâ?? is something I have never got from her. (Iâ??m talking about a different â??complementâ?? here, of course.)
I would love to be married to a great gal that really wants to be my friend and share everything with me, someone that canâ??t keep her hands off me and pouts when I am not in the mood. When I go to bed at night and see her lying there, snoring up a storm, I sure wish I had that, instead of what I got. Mind you, that is on the rare occasion that she is actually sleeping in our bedroom. For the past four months she has slept in the boysâ?? room, unless we have a guest. For most of the nights these past two weeks, we have had a guest, though. Shu Meiâ??s friend, Julie, has taken to staying with us as she travels southward from her house in Taipei, due to business.
Right now, because of my overwhelming desire to be with the boys, celibacy seems to be easier than talking about our lack of contact, not to mention discussing the serious issues that underline it. But, marriage is for life, and a lifetime without intimacy is a lot to ask of anyone. I thought the monks had it hard, but at least they never experienced years of sex like I did and then had it taken away.
The irony is that Shu Mei seems to really enjoy sex when we have it and promises me that weâ??ll do it again soon, but we donâ??t. From every indication, she really seemed to enjoy it, but then came the rejection.
Honestly, I didnâ??t really enjoy it the last time we did it â?? over three and a half years ago. Shu Mei never recovered from giving birth and remained very loose. I tried to tell her about Kegel exercises, but she didnâ??t want to hear it. I am no small-dicked man, mind you, with an erect length of over 8 inches, but she was so loose that there was barely enough friction to get off. To use a comparison I once heard used, it was like a hotdog in a hallway.
I have thought about leaving Shu Mei, many times, but we have the two boys, and a lack of sex seems like such a selfish, superficial reason to ruin that. I do not want Billy and Tyley to be without their father, as my first son Cameron was. I love them more than anything in the world and they give me the greatest joy I have ever felt.
I have tried everything I can think of, to try and improve the situation between us, but Shu Mei will not really talk about it, let alone go to counseling. To her, counseling is some kind of hocus-pocus mumbo-jumbo. She views psychological therapy as something akin to a magicianâ??s sideshow. It is a very lonely situation I am in, a marriage without intimacy. We are more like roommates than a married couple, except that roommates donâ??t disagree with each other as often as we do.
I realize that I may sound like I donâ??t care about Shu Mei, but that isnâ??t so. I do care about her, a lot. That is why I continue to have hope that things will get better. That is why I go to work everyday and continue to play my role in the family. I receive no pat on the back for my daily efforts, but I do them because I believe that things will eventually get better. The future doesnâ??t look too promising, I must admit. If we had something to rekindle it would be easier, but there wasnâ??t much fire in the first place.
Shu Mei and I were married in an LDS temple, for time and eternity. That is a good thing, because at the rate we are going we wonâ??t be at the level most couples are at when they first get married until many years after we die, perhaps thousands of years. I must admit that my feelings of deep love for Shu Mei are not there anymore, and Iâ??m certain she would say the same thing about me. But, Iâ??m sure she would also agree with me that putting our two boys through the angst of divorce would be a terrible thing.
I just needed to vent my frustrations about this, hence the two-part entry. I mean, why should everyone else get a wife who makes them feel wonderful when Iâ??m made to feel so worthless by mine? Because of all the rejection, I just reached the point where I didnâ??t want to put forth the effort anymore to try to have sex with Shu Mei. Yes, I now withhold sex and affection of her, because Iâ??m tired of the rejection and tired of being henpecked. Yes, being shouted at makes me even less inclined to want sex with her. I wish she would be less â??manlyâ??. Then, I might have the desire to initiate something, but sheâ??s too busy trying to prove how tough she is, so I just ignore her.
Anyway, I have only a few options: get a divorce, stay married and have an affair, or stay married and hope for the best. I donâ??t want to get a divorce, because with all her faults, Shu Mei is a good mother to Billy and Tyley. She also has the willpower to save money instead of spend it, albeit she takes that to the extreme at times. Furthermore, she does have a lot of potential within that I can envision coming out of her one day. No, divorce is really not a viable option. Above all, I donâ??t want to put my children through that nightmare. I already did it once. I would be an idiot to do it again.
I know that having an affair would seem like a short term â??band-aidâ?? but it would make things worse in the long run. Let me make it perfectly clear that I canâ??t stand the fact that I am celibate. It is one of the worst feelings in the world, to not be able to have sex, maybe never again, because I have made that vow before God in a Mormon temple. As you can probably tell, I have some reservations about the whole temple marriage deal. Iâ??ll leave that for another entry. Suffice it to say that I donâ??t have much faith in it right now. I know that having an affair would bring about huge problems later on, when the truth of it came out. So, it is best to steer clear of that ever happening.
I am in a good situation to stay away from having an affair, actually. I am getting old and fat, which makes me physically undesirable. I am also living in a place where I donâ??t really find the women that appealing. So, the lack of desire on both sides involved of the theoretical affair pretty much precludes it from every happening. Even if I was presented with that possibility, I wouldnâ??t go through with it because of the aforementioned problems it would cause later on down the road, when the truth came out. And, I am a firm believer that the truth ALWAYS comes out.
So, I am left with the third option, to continue on and hope for the best. That is what Iâ??ll do. It might be wishful thinking, but I think Shu Mei is already showing signs of changing. For the past few days she has actually been nice to me. I know, it is has only been a few days. Still it is a start, perhaps, to something more.
I wonder how much damage I may have caused with being so explicit in this entry and expressing my personal feelings about my situation. I fear some readers may not see the forest for the trees and be unable to get beyond the details. It is to each of those readers that I offer the challenge of looking into your own life and judge not, or you could be judged accordingly. None of us are blameless. Just because I presented my negative feelings about Shu Mei doesnâ??t mean I feel I am above reproach. On the contrary, I take on full responsibility for my actions, or lack thereof. Even though I strive to be a good husband to her, I know that I have made mistakes along the way. I am constantly second-guessing myself, how I am handling the roles of husband and father.
Hopefully, I can reduce the number of mistakes I make in the future, learning from the ones of the past, and be the best husband and father I can be. In the end, I have no control over Shu Meiâ??s actions, only mine. That is where I need to put the focus on and quite dwelling on what I see as her misgivings. Having just realized this I am almost inclined to delete this two-part post entirely, almost, but I wonâ??t. That would be contrary to my belief about divulging the full truth on this weblog.
Still, it is very difficult to do so, as terrible repercussions could come out of it. Then again, is it my fault if people react negatively toward what I have written? I hope they donâ??t, but it is ultimately their fault if they do. Honestly, I only wish the best for everyone I write about.