Be forewarned, this entry contains words of a sexually explicit nature. If such things offend you, I advise against reading it.
I just finished reading an account of a woman who was asking for advice about what she should do. Her predicament is that she is engaged to a man who doesn’t have sex with her as often as she wants it. She wrote that he used to desire it frequently. However, as time passed his libido went downhill and now he almost-always rejects her advances. My advice to her? Get out while you can. Plain and simple.
I know what it is like to be married to someone who doesn’t want sex. I’m currently in that situation. I know what it does to my self-confidence and self-esteem, how it eats at me, day after day. I have now been married over 5 years and am physically less attractive as each year passes. Why? Because no one cares what I look like, so I really don’t take any pride in my appearance. It has been so long since Shu Mei indicated, at any level, that she finds me attractive that I can’t remember what it’s like to feel desirable.
I wasn’t the first one in my marriage to walk down this road of personal disregard. Before we were married, I had long talks with Shu Mei about sex. I estimate that I have had sex with close to 200 women. Because Shu Mei was coming from the other side of the sexual-fulfillment spectrum (she was a virgin), I knew that there might be some difficulties in this area.
I was very careful to follow the law of chastity as is contained in my Mormon doctrinal beliefs. Before we were married, Shu Mei and I didn’t even engage in petting, which is something I’m pretty certain most Mormon couples who are married in a temple can’t say. I had gone through a long process to get my status restored in the Mormon Church, after an upsetting Church disfellowship years prior to meeting Shu Mei, and I was in no way going to jeopardize that because of a few lustful thoughts for her. The key word in that sentence was “few” as I really didn’t have an overwhelming desire to have sex with Shu Mei.
Frankly, I didn’t find her that physically attractive. I didn’t find her loathsome by any means. I just wasn’t smitten with her beauty, that’s all. As far as that went, I figured I could learn to have desire for her as soon as our relationship became more intimate, after marriage. At that time, I was more attracted to what she represented to me, a way of getting back on the straight-and-narrow and having an eternal soulmate that would assist me in my progression towards the Celestial kingdom, than with her physical features.
Still there were the racing hormones, I’ll have to admit. I was excited at the prospect of being her first lover, having never been with a virgin before. We did kiss and the passion was there. I felt it was more from her than me. Shu Mei seemed to get caught up in the moment when we kissed. There were a couple of times when I had to stop her, or we would have found ourselves committing some sinful acts. I enjoyed those moments for two reasons. First, I was glad that I had the control to not engage in any sexual activity, no matter how easy it would have been. Second, I was pleased with the knowledge that Shu Mei actually desired me enough to jeopardize her standing in the Church.
I have to admit that I was very worried about what sex would be like with Shu Mei. I mean, here was a good Mormon woman who had lived sexless for all 37 years of her life. I, on the other hand, had experienced a multitude of debauchery throughout the years. I have seen and done things that most men would balk at. In every sense of the word, I am a true “pervert” and have no qualms over admitting this. To me, sex is a wonderful thing. I have never viewed it as something that is repelling. So, you can understand my concern regarding this matter with my fiancé.
Because I was worried about how Shu Mei would be sexually, I had long talks with her about sex. We spent the better part of a month together, when she brought a group of students from Taiwan to America. I took my vacation at that time, along with trading away additional days, so I could be with her. I stayed with my Aunt Jane in Utah for a couple of weeks during that month. That is where most of the discussions about sex took place, while sitting on a porch swing behind Jane’s house each night.
These talks were shortly before my proposal to Shu Mei, as I wanted to try my best to find out if she was open-minded to my post-marriage sexual aspirations. I went into graphic detail as to what I had in mind. Shu Mei balked at nothing. It seemed that she was excited to try any of the perversities I brought up. I remember that Shu Mei was worried about being good at them, but had an open mind to try her best. It’s funny how “her best” never entered the picture. To date, “try” hasn’t even occurred for most of the things we discussed.
At that time, Shu Mei was an insatiable reader. She literally devoured a book as she read it, underlining key words and writing her accompanying thoughts in the margins of each page. During one of our conversations I presented her with a book entitled The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex. I had seen other sex manuals, but this one seemed the best suited to Shu Mei’s needs, as it began with the basics and then went to the advanced. I figured talking about sex too much wasn’t appropriate to what our relationship was about. I wanted the book to serve the purpose of that issue, which I felt it would have – had she read it! The book now sits on a shelf in her bookcase where it collects dust, having never been opened by her. Sadly, I had the false expectation that Shu Mei would actually care enough about my concerns to spend some time on the matter.
Besides the actual sex acts, our conversations went into personal hygiene. Shu Mei seldom wore shirts with very short sleeves, even in the summertime. However, one day I caught a glimpse under her shirt sleeve of armpit hair. I have always found this to be quite disgusting on a woman and have never been one for much of any kind of body hair on a woman. In fact, I insisted that anyone I had a long-term relationship shave their pubic area bare. I just always liked the clean look of it, and it made going down on them a whole lot more enjoyable for both of us. Pubic hair has a tendency to get in the way when performing oral sex.
The issue of body hair was so important to me that I wouldn’t have married Shu Mei without her agreeing to remove it. Such was my conviction when I brought it up in one of our conversations. I remember how difficult it was to talk about it, but I felt so strongly about it that I felt it necessary. To my surprise, Shu Mei wasn’t the least bit hesitant about the issue of shaving off her body hair, all of it. Thinking back now, it appears to me that Shu Mei was agreeable to everything I said before we got married. All that changed shortly after marriage, though. There is a joke that would make me laugh, if it weren’t so true: There is a new food that makes women not want to have sex. It’s called “wedding cake”.
Now, Shu Mei takes no concern for my comments about her appearance. I suggested that she buy some new clothes, hoping she would find something that fits her. Because she is so steadfast against spending money, she continues to wear clothes that are far too small for her. They stretch around her bulging stomach, making her look like one of those kids with rickets. I have also suggested that she wear “a little makeup”, but she refuses, as is customary for country-bred Chinese women. I urge Shu Mei to pamper herself and get a manicure and pedicure, but she would rather keep her nails looking jagged an unkept.
I joke with Shu Mei about how quickly she takes a shower and suggest she indulge in a long hot bath every once in a while, hoping she will get the hint that I don’t think she’s actually cleaning herself properly. However, her shower time remains under 5 minutes and, to my knowledge, she hasn’t taken a bath since our honeymoon, over 5 years ago. Then there is the issue of smell. Shu Mei refuses to wear deodorant, and so I bought her some perfume, Red Door. I told her that I love the smell of Red Door, which I do, or did rather. She not only used the Red Door, but she seemingly dumped it all over herself. The first time she did this, I told her that she didn’t need so much, that a few drops on her neck and wrists would be optimal. She still uses the stuff, on Sundays and before going to special meetings, and still literally bathes in it. Hey, I guess she has taken a bath since our honeymoon – a Red Door bath! Honestly, I can’t stand Red Door anymore. I told her this, but it doesn’t matter. She, still Shu Mei continues to overuse the product.