The stress over this situation with Cameron has really gotten to me. I just wish things had been different between us. I can’t help but blame his mother for putting that great divide between us. She has been nothing but evil. She obviously doesn’t care about Cameron, for what loving mother would deny her son from seeing his father? And she has done it for so many years and literally stressed the hell out of me because of it. Yes, I was a bad husband to her, but what she has done after our marriage is far worst than anything I did during it. I don’t apologize for talking badly about her, because there’s nothing good I can say about her. It has really weighed heavily on my shoulders, what with the fact that I cannot communicate with my own son for all this time.
I’m simply disillusioned with this whole life. Potential doesn’t mean diddley-squat. We either do something worthwhile, or not. And, I haven’t done anything worthwhile. For as long as I can remember, I have prayed for a way to become motivated, either as a SHAZAM! God-given gift or through a hard and long drawn-out quest. Either way would be fine with me. To date, nothing has transpired. I am still the same unmotivated, half-completed project-doer I have always been.
I can’t help by feeling victimized from the get-go. What do I have to be grateful for? Beyond Billy and Tyley, there’s nothing in my life worth living for. I merely survive so that I can help them in their lives. But, I can’t even muster up the energy to do that in the best way possible. I’m a complete and utter failure, through and through.
The evidence of my unworthiness is in what I have around me. I live in a concrete dump, with a lifestyle akin to the worst backwoods hillbilly clansman of Louisiana. I am married to an extremely manlike woman, who cares more about pursuing her financial desires than fulfilling her roles as a wife and mother. I have a dead-end job, where my efforts at teaching under-achieving teenagers are no more sensible than beating my head against a wall. As you can tell, I’m having a REALLY bad day!