The remark made by my ex-wife, Tara, to my niece last week revealed the current sentiments my son, Cameron, has for me, or lack thereof rather. She told my niece, Ericka, that he [Cameron] knows how to get in touch with me, if HE wants to. This alleges that Cameron really doesn’t wish to contact me at this time. At 18 years old, he is now considered an adult and should be respected as such. For reasons unknown to me (I can only speculate), he obviously doesn’t want to communicate with me. I find that very difficult to understand; as, if I were in the same boat as he, I would desperately want to have a relationship with my estranged father.
I feel that Cameron missed out on a lot of great experiences he could have had with me. The past neglect that he experienced was the sole culpability of his mother, Tara. She thwarted me at every attempt to contact Cameron. Often times, she denied me visitation until I gave her extra money, above and beyond that which I paid for child support, holding him for ransom as it were. I can think of nothing I could have done differently to have changed all that, except for fighting her in a custody battle. I’m pretty certain I would have won that fight, even though the courts are traditionally sided toward a mother having more ability to raise children than a father. (What a crock of baloney that is!) There were extenuating circumstances that showed Tara was unfit for motherhood at the time. I have already mentioned some of those things in other entries, and will undoubtedly detail even more in subsequent ones, but the reason I didn’t go through with the custody battle was simple. I changed my mind.
Originally, I was appalled that Tara would totally deny me of seeing him. Shortly after she married again, she asked me to give up Cameron for adoption. The idea of doing that was impossible for me to comprehend, as I yearned to be with him every second of every day, especially since she was denying me from doing so. I remembered how Tara would curse when Cameron was a toddler, saying, “I wish you were never born!” He was the most well-behaved child a parent could ever wish for, but she was just too immature to deal with even the slightest difference he showed to her outrageous expectations. She would blow up at him often, releasing a barrage of hateful accusations toward him. He was what I would eventually become, her pet peeve. All her problems she blamed upon him, taking absolutely no responsibility herself. Sadly, that is the antithesis of good parenthood, and chief among my many thoughts regarding the notion of seeking custody of him.
I’m sure she will deny those things ever happened, among numerous other things. However, they did. I don’t care a whit whether anyone believes me or not, it is the truth. I believe that the truth stands independent of what you or I believe. Yes, there are two sides to every story and Tara undoubtedly has hers. More often than not, the truth lies somewhere between the two sides. This time it does not, though.
You see, I have nothing to gain from lying. (Actually, nobody has anything to gain from lying, but that’s a whole other tangent…) I haven’t heard from Cameron in over two years, and that was just a short email message (coming from a long-ago-closed-account) that thanked me for helping pay for his computer. That isn’t to say that I haven’t tried. Oh, the many times I have tried! I’ll get to that in another entry, as that is a whole story in itself. Most people wouldn’t have endured what I did. Most people would have given up way sooner. But, my love, my honest love for Cameron made me try repeatedly to connect with him at any level possible. Now, I don’t expect anything. I hope, but I don’t expect. I feel one should always plan for the worst, but hope for the best. So, I have nothing to gain by trying to deceive. In fact, this whole weblog is pretty much an open-book revelation. How many people would just open up and display themselves, complete with numerous character flaws and all, to the whole world? There are some, but not a lot compared with those who wish to maintain a façade of deceit.
I realize that this entry is going all over the place. That is because I have a lot to say. It is like when I began to pray again, after a long period of not doing so. My prayers were very wordy and went on for nearly an hour at a time. (I know, the scriptures talk of prophets praying ceaselessly for hours on end, but that’s something I have never been able to do.) As the frequency grew, the duration became shorter. Now, I find myself praying almost as I did when I was a missionary, several times in a day for very brief periods. If I could bring myself to update this weblog more frequently, I’m quite certain the same result would take place. The entries would become shorter, more profound, and more focused. I’m just jumping from thought to thought with this one, because of all the things that were left unsaid. There are a great deal many more things that I feel need to be said. I have not provided Cameron with the truth and he deserves it, even though he probably doesn’t want it now.
Someday, when Cameron is older and away from his mother’s apron strings, he may wish to revisit this weblog. Hopefully, I will have documented a true picture of who I am and what transpired throughout his childhood from my perspective by then. That is why I have to make myself stick to categorizing and time stamping these entries to their proper topics and dates. I have only been writing entries in this weblog when I am very compelled to do so. I must get away from that bad habit and start doing this in a more-organized manner. Otherwise, it is a hodgepodge of gibberish with, seemingly, no point whatsoever.