Cornucopia of Negativity

Currently, I am ill. I feel terrible, both physically and emotionally. I just can’t shake these flu-like symptoms I’ve been having. I’ll say one thing, being sick does nothing to help my attitude.

My mother sent an email to me today regarding two unfortunate occurrences. First, my aunt Jane is very ill. My mother fears that she will even die. Second, my uncle Neil had a nephew that died. He was just one year older than me.

My heat goes out to my mother at this time, because I know that she has been very close to Jane for all her life. Not only has Jane been her favorite sister, but her best friend, as well. I think it may be difficult for my mother if Jane passes away. Even though they haven’t spoken on a regular basis as they once did (for years, they spoke daily), it would be hard to know that she can’t just pick up the phone and do that again.

I just can’t imagine what is going through my mother’s head at this time. She told me that she feels it is time for Jane to reunite with their mother and Jane’s twin sister. Jane had a twin sister that died at birth. I know that Jane has often spoken of her twin sister and how happy she will be to see her on the other side. Obviously, there was a bond there that surpassed her mortality, something she felt within her very soul.

I have had a pervasive feeling for quite sometime that every day is worse than the day before it. It’s true. I hate the passing of time, because it brings about yet more problems and more tragedies. I’ve tried to readjust my thinking and look at the glass as half full, but it seems that I’m on a path of doom and there is no way to change my course.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve prayed for motivation. Fervently, I have asked Our Heavenly Father to show me the way to live my life to its fullest. Thus far, no answer has come my way. Life has been a constant inner struggle for me. There is very little that brings me happiness. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but I beg to differ. Loss is a terribly difficult thing to endure. I have lost much in my life. The small gains do not equal even a small portion of the losses. That is why I feel each passing day is worse than the day before it.

My mother’s story of Neil’s nephew dying, a man that was just one year older than me, brought up many of the feelings of turmoil I am going through. I hate to take everything so personal, but that is what being ill does to me. What I was thinking, as I read her story about the man, was that he had someone who cared him, cared about whether he lived or died. Whatever the reason for that “caring” may have been, someone actually paid attention to whether he was around or not. On top of that, he had five children to bring him joy each day. As an engineer, he was probably making enough money to provide for them. From my perspective, his life was pretty darn good.

If I dropped dead today, my wife wouldn’t care a whit. In fact, she would probably be happy, as I believe there is a life insurance policy she could cash in on. It isn’t a lot of money in that policy, but it is more than she has now. The big thrill for her would be to get rid of me, the “cause” of all her problems.

I ride a scooter to work everyday. It scares the heck out of me, but Shu Mei encourages it, as “we cannot afford two cars”. While she is peacefully slumbering in bed each morning, I am dodging some of the worst traffic I have ever experienced. These Taiwanese drivers are crazy! I have no idea how some of them got a driver’s license. (They probably didn’t, being the miserly kind that they are.) My driving history isn’t the greatest, so when I think they are bad they must REALLY be bad!

Shu Mei had a plan to get a loan, once our house is built. I can already see how she is cutting back on that plan by reducing the amount of things “we” want for the new house. If her course is allowed to continue unimpeded, I have no doubt that my “office” will consist of a beach towel hung from the ceiling, dividing the main room from my “office”. What I had viewed as a much-needed frugal angel-of-mercy before we got married has turned into an irritating, miserly, stubborn, and selfish succubus from hell after we got married. My how people change for the worse!

Apparently, I agreed to cut our cable last week, as Shu Mei did that today. The lady showed up to collect the bill and Shu Mei canceled it. I do remember talking to her about it, but I’ve been pretty sick and wasn’t sure what was said. She told me that we agreed to cancel it, because Billy and Tyley shouldn’t watch TV. Always trying to be the “yes” man, I let it go.

Not that I watch that much TV (I basically watch only CNN every now and then), but it seems like just another thing taken away from my life. After all, I have had television available to me for as long as I can remember. Now, I won’t have that “luxury”. (Remember, here in Taiwan, there is no broadcast TV. It is all via cable.) And, I don’t know what Shu Mei will use to replace TV with for Billy and Tyley. There have been many times she’s used it as a babysitter, while she prepared their food. I know she can pop in a DVD for them to watch, but that would require extra effort on her part and I can’t even get her to put toilet paper on the toilet paper holder.

Do you ever grow tired of reading about my whining? I certainly don’t grow tired of writing about it. Hehe! You always have the option of not reading it. I’d never know. Actually, there is so much more I could say. Today, I’ve been mulling over memories of all the things I did wrong in my life. There were oodles of things I could have and should have done better. I harbor vast amounts of regrets, having seemingly made the wrong choices at every possible opportunity. A life full of failures is not something fun to relive. So, I’m forcing myself to focus on the tasks of today and work on the storyboard for the student video. At least I’m thinking again. I haven’t been able to do that much during this prolonged illness.

All I can do is hope that things will get better, beginning with my health.

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