Same As It Ever Was

Fool heartedly; I was waiting for a good day to write another entry. That day never came. If I was to live by the credo “If you haven’t got anything good to say, don’t say anything at all”, I would never say anything. These past 10 days have been very unpleasant, struggling to maintain the status quo through my prolonged illness.

It began with a sore throat. This migrated into flu-like symptoms with overall body aches and hot/cold flashes. In addition to that, I went through a period of diarrhea and nausea. The nausea continues to bring about daily vomiting. Then, I developed a persistent wheezing, shortness of breathe, and frequent coughing fits, all of which I’m still experiencing. The worse symptom was the ear ache. Just a few days ago, it felt like someone was jabbing needles into my ears, and I fear it will return.

I don’t know what brought about this strange illness. I have no idea how to get rid of it. Going to a doctor has proven useless in the past, and I have no reason to believe it would be different this time. Therefore, I choose to just endure through this. It wouldn’t be so bad if those around me actually acknowledged that I am sick. The closest it has come was a few days ago when I spontaneously began vomiting into my hand. This was one of those rare instances that Shu Mei felt compelled to muster up the exhaustive effort to activate her vocal cords, as she said, “You should see a doctor.” [Sic] Aside from that instance, there has never been an ounce of acknowledgment that I am sick from her, let alone demonstrating anything remotely compassionate.

I feel drained of energy and I am really irritable. The constant clattering of Chinese in the house only adds to my anxiety. It irks me that Shu Mei cannot speak English to Billy and Tyley. I am 100 percent certain that if this continues, which it probably will, they will be unable to speak English in less than 5 years from now. The few hours a day that they spend with me will not stop this from happening. I have told this to Shu Mei, but she shows no concern over the matter. If we plan on living in the US in the next 10 years, which we do, it is important that they know how to speak English.

I’m going to end this here. I could write a book on my current displeasure with everything, but it would serve little use. You may believe I am depressed and should be on Prozac, but I still maintain that I know what depression is, because I’ve been there before, and this is different. This is just sadness that I’m feeling for having allowed myself to get into a terrible situation. I rack my head, wondering what the hell I was thinking. Didn’t my experiences of the past teach me anything??? I am so stupid.

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