There is an overwhelming feeling, with each new day, that I have lost something from the previous day. From where this feeling comes, I don’t know. It is as if I feel that yesterday was always better than today. You can imagine what that is like to carry around each day. It is a heavy bourdon and one that I must carry alone.
Why do I feel that my past was better than my present? Are there others that feel this way, too? Is it a mental disorder? More importantly, how do I overcome this feeling, one that I have had since as far back as I can remember? It seems to be getting stronger the longer I live. What is it about yesterday that seems so great?
The purpose of starting this weblog was to answer some of these questions. The problem is that I haven’t followed through on keeping it update with my current happenings. Oh, I have meant to. I continually walk about thinking of the things I will write about upon my next sitting. However, my next sitting comes and finds me off doing other things. I end up reading the latest world news on google.com or constructing an activity for school. Often times, I just want to relax and surf the internet for whatever catches my fancy. Consequently, none of my previous thoughts get recorded.
Then there was the purchase of a memory stick with voice recording. I intended on using it for a twofold purpose, to listen to Chinese language instruction mp3 files and to record thoughts as I had them. Regretfully, neither of the intentions came to fruition. So, maybe my big challenge is to actually follow through with something?
Upon self-reflection, I can see that follow-through is a big problem of mine. I tend to take on too many projects and then find an excuse to drop them all. I blame it on others, of course. Along with my longing for the past, I long for acceptance and encouragement from others. I feel that I haven’t received enough. So, I make excuses.
Certainly, life would be better for me if I was surrounded by individuals who supported my honorable efforts. “Wouldn’t it be a Shangri-La,” I often think to myself, “If I actually had encouragement from others?” Currently, that wishful thinking is getting me nowhere. It isn’t happening and has as much of a chance of happening as I do of winning the lottery.
Ah, maybe therein lays the key? You see, I don’t play the lottery. Rather, I don’t play the lottery on a regular basis, sporadically at best. Such is the effort I put forth in virtually everything. Again, the lack of follow-through is a predominant misgiving in my life.
Still, I believe that I will someday be able to keep a string of regular entries in this weblog. I believe that I will put forth the effort to construct my past, using this weblog, so that I can see it for what it was. Obviously, there are things in my present that are better than my past. I just don’t see a lot of them now. So, reconstructing my past through after-the-fact weblog entries may help me.
Another reward for keeping regular weblog entries may be the honing of some long-lost writing skills, though that would be a byproduct at best. Many years ago, I possessed somewhat of a flair for writing. Biblically, we are taught that when we don’t use a talent we lose it. Such was the case with me. I hope to regain it through practice, but that seems a long way off and too distant to envision at this point. However, I still wish.
The big purpose of keeping regular weblog entries, and one that overshadows all others, is to really show those who read who I am. I want to conduct this weblog with the utmost honesty, without reservation and with an open-book attitude. Undoubtedly, there will be some that are hurt by the words I say. They will either be hurt personally or their view of me will be degraded. Such is the risk I take so that I can come to terms with my true self.
A man far wiser than me once said “To thine own self be true” and that is what I’m trying to do. For far too long have I pretended to be someone that I’m not that now, after 40 years of life, I haven’t a clue as to who I am. You might chalk it up to a midlife crisis of some sort. Perhaps that would explain it. However, I thought I went through one of those 5 years ago, while at the age of 35 I thought it was okay to be dating a 20-year-old. Could I be having a second crisis? Perhaps this is a post-midlife crisis?
Regardless of what mental disorders I am having, I need to focus on not worrying about what others think and worry about what I think. I haven’t accomplished much in my life to date, wondering if others would accept me or reject me for what I said and did. So, that wasn’t the way to go. I doubt I have as many years to live as I have lived already. I better make them count by rethinking how I go about things.
I was thinking about all of this yesterday, when I presented one class of mine with their current grades. They are a few weeks past their midterm point. Sixty percent of the class is failing the course. I emphatically stressed to them that now is the time for them to change. They need to change their study habits, putting my class as a higher priority, or they will fail. It is ultimately up to them. Upon self-reflection, I realize that I am in a similar situation with my life. With each passing day seeming worse than the one which preceded it, I feel that I am failing. Now is the time to change. I must find the answers to my life questions before it is too late.
Often, I feel that my life is like a merry-go-round. Each day I seem to be doing the same things. That feeling resembles a midlife crisis, yes, but it is more than that. I am feeling like someday I will wake up dead and wonder what it was all about. What purpose would there have been for me to be alive? Why was I sent to this earth by God, as I believe I was, to accomplish so little? I hope not. I hope that I have some better things in store for me.
As I write this, I am beginning to have hope that this little project will help me realize that I am accomplishing something already. For instance, I do know that being a teacher is the greatest career I have ever had. It is one that I should have had years before. I wasted so much time! I have mentioned it on more than one occasion that when I die I want “Teacher” on my headstone. I hope that someone follows through with that.