This morning I called my son Cameron. I have been calling him nearly every weekend for quite sometime. Rarely does he answer, even though I call at different times to increase my odds of being answered. He didn’t pick up today. I get the feeling that he is either a VERY busy teenager (Cameron is now 16 years old), or he just doesn’t want to talk to me.
Granted, I am not a great conversationalist. I never have been. However, I think it would be good for Cameron to speak to me, if just to exchange pleasantries. As I posted in an earlier entry, it is Cameron that I see first, when I close my eyes and try to envision those that I love most. However, it is a little boy Cameron and not the young man he has grown into since I was his day-to-day father, a baker’s dozen years ago, that I see in my mind’s eye.
I do miss that little boy. I miss how he would smile at me and hug me when I tell me that he loved me. I miss the strong bond that we had as a father and son, a bond that was broken when his mother and I separated. Even though he is much older now and the years have distanced us further with our unique experiences, I still love him. He is, and always will be, my son, holding a special place in my heart.
So, I was thinking about him today, as I do every day, wondering where he is and what he is doing. I have no idea what he is up to now. I don’t know if he is a good boy or has fallen into doing bad things. My influence over him is nil. Nothing I say or do has any impact on him. In most every sense, I am not his father.
Still, I cling to the hope that in the eternal perspective of things, all will be made right. I believe that he wasn’t sent to this earth to me for no reason except to spend a brief period of time with me. We had to have had a relationship prior to coming here. We probably won’t remember any of that until after we have left here. But, the point is that we will remember it. I know it. And, I know in my heart of hearts that Cameron knows it.
All of the terrible things that his mother could have told him about me over these several years will not take away the reality of that. Despite what she has tried to brainwash into his head all of this time, he knows that I never treated him with disrespect and was always kind and considerate of him, loving him as a father should.
I do have remorse over how I handled being a husband to his mother, but I have none over how I handled being his father. With all of the pressures put upon me at that time by his mother, I feel that I was every bit as good a father as I am now to my other sons, without all that pressure and with an added level of maturity that helps me cope more easily with life’s obstacles.
So, I am proud of how I handled myself with regards to him. I am also proud of how I have actively sought to be an integral part of his life after my divorce, even if that has been met with frequent rejection. Even though I feel tremendous joy from being with my two other sons, Billy and Tyley, it doesn’t make up for the heartache I feel about not being able to be with Cameron.
Regrets? I’ve had a few.