A Fork in the Road

Be forewarned, this entry contains words of a sexually explicit nature. If such things offend you, I advise against reading it.

Leelee Mitchell and I made a good couple. At first we were friends and then lovers, spending virtually every day together for several months. Even at work, we joined each other for frequent smoke breaks each day. It was during this time that Lilee returned to working at the ticket counter and I to the gates. So, we didn’t see each other during the day, except for those breaks. That way, only our circle of friends knew we were actually dating. That was a good thing, because office gossip can be vicious. Just to cover ourselves, I told my manager about our relationship. He said it was okay as long as we worked in different areas and kept it low key, which we did.

As I mentioned in a previous entry, Lilee was a little hottie. She wasn’t very active in bed when I met her, having limited experience. (As I recall, she had only had two or three lovers before me.) However, she was willing to try new things and indulged me in my various fantasies.

Almost every night, after work, Lilee and I went out drinking. Usually, we went somewhere where there was a pool table or trivia game. We made sexual favor bets on the games. Sometimes Lilee won. Sometimes I won. Either way, it was a great time afterwards. Because we usually went to Denny’s restaurant after the bar, we often didn’t get to sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning.

I even remember sitting outside my apartment with Lilee a few times as the sun came up, enjoying a post-coital cigarette. Then, we retired to the bedroom to catch a few hours of sleep before going to work, where we would repeat the daily cycle all over again. When we weren’t going through our usual nightly escapades, we were invariably spending time together at various social gatherings. This always led to even more late night activities between the sheets.

That regime of staying up partying until the wee hours of the morning took a toll on me physically. It was fine for a young hard body like Lilee, but I was no spring chicken. My thirty-something body was going through a metabolic slowdown and I was taxing it heavily by trying to keep up that fast-paced lifestyle. I felt I needed a change.

More important than my deteriorating physical condition was a compelling desire I had to strengthen myself spiritually. I had an inner burning to return to doing what I felt was right and true, even though the time I had spent in my life doing that was minimal. I saw the temporary joys of the partying lifestyle waning. I guess I had come to the point in my life where I had experienced a bit of both sides of the fence and desired the side I wasn’t on during the time I was with Lilee.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the wild partying and the freaky sex. But that was just temporary joy. You see, there were some periods in my life that I had experienced a different kind of joy, happiness much stronger and everlasting than the one I was feeling at that time. There were obligations to feeling that enduring happiness, however. I had never “stayed the course” and continued meeting those obligations. I yearned to return and see if I could actually follow through. Simply put (too late for that, huh?), I knew there was a better, more gratifying, way.

This disenchantment with where I was headed led to a drift between Lilee and was the beginning of the end of our relationship as we had known it. Still, there was one more cliffhanger in store for us before calling it quits.

Because we were in different life stages, Lilee and I had different priorities. She saw me as a passing fling, whereas I saw her as a possible soul mate. These opposing viewpoints spawned many disagreements. We never had any heated arguments, mind you, but it felt like we were heading in that direction if we planned on staying together for a long period of time. To curb this impending difficulty, I suggested to Lilee that we seek the help of a relationship counselor. She was reluctant at first, but agreed to the idea later. So, it was with great hope that I went to our first prearranged session. I felt that could get us on the right track to where we would both understand each other a little better. I wanted us to be together for a long time, as I’ve already stated.

Lilee never showed up to the counselor. She gave some lame excuse that I have since forgotten. The session was rescheduled and she never showed up to that one also. That time, however, she was honest and said she had had second thoughts about the whole thing. For Lilee, still in a carefree party girl mindset, our relationship was becoming way too serious.

Then it happened, the big cliffhanger. Lilee called me one day and told me she was pregnant. I never questioned whose it was, for I felt certain we had a monogamous relationship. I took this as a sign that Lilee and I should be together forever. To that end, I had her agreeing to see the LDS missionaries, hoping that she would convert to the Mormon Church and take on my newfound direction herself. I asked her to marry me and even went out and got an engagement ring.

It was all too much for Lilee to handle. However, she did try. She met with the missionaries, but only once. And she did accept my proposal, but only under the agreement that we live together first. I pressed her for more. I reasoned with her that even though we didn’t love each other then, we could learn to love each other in the future, for the baby’s sake. Lilee said she needed some time to think about it.

A few days later, Lilee called me and said that she had had a miscarriage. Immediately, my sign that we were destined for each other turned to a sign to break it off as quickly as possible. Lilee was felt the same way. We still maintained contact, through spending breaks with each other and talking about things of a plutonic nature, but never were intimate again.

Though we both tried to make a go of it, we both knew that we were headed in different directions. Lilee tried to get me to go her way, which I did for awhile, but it just wasn’t for me. I did the same, tried to get her to go my way, which she did for awhile, but it just wasn’t for her.

I have since wondered if Lilee was entirely truthful with me about the pregnancy. Was she really pregnant? If so, was it really mine? If so, did she really have a miscarriage or did she get an abortion? She knew my adamant position against abortion and probably wouldn’t have told me the truth had she had one.

It was a tumultuous time towards the end of our relationship, but I choose to remember the good times we had before that. When I think of “Li Li”, as I so affectionately refer to her, I think of the evening we spent on a peer in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with our friend Jason, drinking Coronas and talking about whatever came to mind. All three of us were buck naked. If I’m not mistaken, I believe it was her idea. It was a moment that lay bare (pardon the pun) all that we were going through, a truly carefree and wondrous time.

Lilee went on to marry the next guy she dated. As chance would have it, I followed suit by marrying my next girlfriend, Shu Mei Chen. We exchange email messages from time to time, exchanging pleasantries. She did reveal to me on one occasion that she had some difficulties in her marriage. As I have had more than my fair share of difficulties in my own marriage, I wasn’t much of a shining beacon to her at that time. In the end, I guess we all must overcome our personal obstacles alone. Wherever she might be or whatever she might be doing, I wish Lilee well.
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