One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Be forewarned, this entry contains words of a sexually explicit nature. If such things offend you, I advise against reading it.

Several times, I tried to quit having sex with Terilee Michaelis. Each time I told her that I wasn’t going to have sex anymore with her, she turned up the charm. She flirted with me almost nonstop, tempting me to give in. And I did, time after time. I wanted to quit having premarital sex, to follow the guidelines of my Church, but I couldn’t muster up enough willpower to follow through. Sex has always been something I love, no matter if it is within my marriage or outside of it. When I say “outside of it” I’m referring to premarital sex, as I never cheated on my wife, first or second.

To me, the commitment I made when I got married is stronger than the one I made when I received the Priesthood in my Church. That might appear strange, but that is how I see it. Perhaps the reasoning lies in the fact that I can actually understand that I would be hurting someone by breaking my marriage covenant and see who that person is.

I have been told that I hurt people, including myself, when I have sex as a Priesthood holder, but I really don’t understand how at this time. Perhaps someday I’ll understand this doctrinal teaching better, as it is an important part of Mormon doctrine, but right now I just need to have faith that the teaching is from God.

I first had sexual intercourse during my two-year Mormon mission in Brazil. I intend to write about how this came about in another entry or two, as it is rather lengthy in the telling. The important part of it for this entry is that I felt (and still do) extremely guilty for my actions. Had I resisted those temptations, I would have been a better person today. Of this I have no doubt. I cannot make up for the wrongs I did in the past. I can only learn by my mistakes and try my hardest to not repeat them. Hopefully, others who read these entries can learn from my failings and avoid the pitfalls altogether.

After my mission, I made a concerted effort to stay away from having sexual intercourse. On the other hand, I had a love for things of a sexual nature and didn’t see the harm in doing sexual things with girls, just short of intercourse. I felt that I was doing a good thing for them by liberating them from their oppressive Mormon upbringing. After all, I rationalized, why are we Mormons taught that sex is such an evil and bad thing before marriage and then instantly becomes something holy and pure after marriage?

If one holds the Priesthood in the Mormon Church as I did (and still do) then that person has to abide by certain basic commandments or risk losing the Priesthood. However, my personal feelings regarding the Mormon position on reality were in conflict with the Church. I had to balance those personal feelings with the faith I had in the Church. Drawing the line at penetration was how I did that. After my mission, I set off with a commitment that the line would stay drawn there, until I resolved my inner turmoil.

I wasn’t able to keep my post-mission commitment, but I did do immensely better than I had done on my mission. Whereas I had sex with well over one hundred girls during my two-year Mormon mission (all occurring in the last six months of it), I only had sex with two girls in the two years following it. The first girl was a divorcee that I had met on a singles hotline while attending Brigham Young University. I drove from Provo to Ogden, Utah to see her for the first time and we had sex after our first date. She was uninhibited about it and very straightforward. It was wild and rough sex, the kind that seemed perfect for the occasion. I recall how flexible she was and how she would spread her legs wide and touch her feet to the bedposts behind her. Then, she would grab me by he butt, pulling hard into her with each thrust. It was a wild ride.

I had been without sex for about a year. During that period, I had come close several times, but stopped it from going that far due to the aforementioned reasons. Still, those close encounters took their toll on me and it was easy for me to give in to the divorcee’s advances.

Because I had more experience than the BYU girls I was dating, it was easier for me to put on the brakes with them. However, when it came to being propositioned by someone who was on par with me, as was the case with the divorcee, I gave in and yielded to the temptations of the flesh. In fact, I yielded to the temptations twice, as I returned to Ogden to have sex with her a few days after the first encounter. It would have been thrice, had she not done a mean thing to me on my third visit.

Upon my third visit, the divorcee asked me to baby-sit her three children for an hour while she went to clear up some money matters with her ex husband. Thinking about the great sex we had on my other two visits and desiring a repeat performance, I gladly accepted her request. She left and I commenced to entertain her children.

At first, I tried to play a board game with them that she told me they enjoyed, but that was short-lived. They seemed to be high-strung, as if on some sugar high. They wanted to play roughhouse with me. I played along with them, not wanting a bad report from them to their mother upon her return, lest the sexual delights would be held back. So, I let the kids jump all over me. I felt like a piñata, as they kicked and hit me. I remember thinking how I never ever wanted to have children.

An hour came and went without a word from the divorcee. Then two hours passed. She called, saying that her ex and she had run into some snags in their discussion and needed a few more minutes to resolve matters. Begrudgingly, I agreed to wait for her. I was still thinking of the great sexual reward she was probably going to give me upon her return. Another hour passed. Finally, the children ran out of steam and went to bed. Then another two hours passed and it was well passed midnight.

During the three hours after her phone call it began to dawn on me that she wasn’t having a meeting with her ex husband, at least not one about money matters. I began eliminating possibilities as to the long duration of her encounter with her ex, until I was left with but one conclusion; she was undoubtedly rekindling old romance.

I had quit smoking the night before I left for my Mormon mission, about three years prior to this. I knew that the divorcee was a smoker and I was stressed to the point that I needed something to calm me down. I searched her kitchen until I found a carton of cigarettes in her freezer, Salem Light 100’s. I took a pack out, opened it, and lit up a cigarette. It tasted awful at first, but I knew the nicotine going into my bloodstream would make me forget about that. Sure enough, the next one wasn’t as bad as I felt the soothing influence of the nicotine course through my veins. By the third one it was as if I had never quit smoking. I kept puffing on cigarettes until I had smoked the whole pack. It was in the wee hours of the morning that I became so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I wanted to leave, but couldn’t due to the children. So, I went into the divorcee’s bedroom and fell asleep on her bed.

At some time in the morning the children came into the room and woke me up. They wanted to know where their mother was. I told them that I didn’t know and I didn’t care. Then, they wanted to know what they should eat. I gave them the same response as before. They left to the kitchen.

Then, the divorcee showed up. She made a slight attempt at an apology for her actions of the previous night, but I could tell that her heart wasn’t in it. So, I gracefully left. I returned to my apartment in Provo, shrugging off the whole experience as a lesson learned. Had she not had those young children at home, this extended one-nighter experience would have ended a lot sooner. I vowed to never again date a woman with young children.

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