I can’t understand why people still read this weblog. I mean, it is so full of doom-and-gloom that I don’t believe it would be interesting to anyone. However, there are some diehard readers that have sent me email, letting me know that they’re still reading my entries here. It isn’t my goal, but this entry should be the final nail in the coffin and serve to lose all of them. I appreciate all the words of encouragement that I’ve received, and I think that through reading my weblog entries, some people have come to understand me better than some of family members and closest friends.  However, a lot of things have been brewing up inside of me for a while, and I am set to make the mother of all negative weblog entries now.  Obviously, nobody has the desire to read about a lot of depressing notions. Besides, I am certain that this will turn out to be an extremely lengthy entry and will undoubtedly bore the pants off of anyone attempting to read it.

As I stated, I’ve had a lot of inner angst lately. I use the word “lately” liberally here, for this pervasive sadness has accompanied me for several years. In fact, I can’t remember a time when I was happy for very long. Certainly, there were moments, like when my sons were born, but no long drawn-out periods of great bliss. For the most part, each day has been worse than the day preceding it. I have a lot to be thankful for certainly.  I just tend to lood at the cup as being half empty rather than half full.

Last summer’s happening is a perfect example of this. That is when I found myself without a job. I had been working as a high school teacher for five years at Chih-yung High School in Dajia. The high school is a mere 15-minute drive from my home in Cingshuei. Although the high school is at the lowest-possible academic level (i.e., anyone can enter, irregardless of their high school entrance test scores), I tolerated it, choosing to focus on improving my techno-skills in presenting multimedia lessons to the students with the latest gadgetry. I was fortunate to have a fairly modern listening lab as my classroom, complete with headsets, monitors, and testing consoles for all the students. I strived to use the latest electronic presentation means I could get my hands on to incorporate in my teaching.  As time went on, I learned a lot about the various media I was using and felt at ease using it in my classroom.  I felt very positive about the things I was doing.  It came as a big surprise at the end of last school year, when I was notified that my contract would not be renewed for the next school year.  The shock of that news stressed me out immensely.

Friends and family members tried to convince me that it was a good thing.  I can’t tell you how many times people told me the “one door closes, another door opens” line. However, I couldn’t get past the unfairness of the whole thing. In my mind, I had been a very good teacher there. The school administration had never had a problem with me. On the contrary, I was given high-praise various times during my time there. No reason was provided to me as to why I wasn’t welcome there for a sixth year of teaching. It was just told to me that the Principal (and part-owner of the school) ordered it to be that way. At the time, there was one other foreign teacher there. He did not return the next school year, either. However, it was by choice that he didn’t return, opting instead to return to his homeland of New Zealand. In the next school year, only one foreign teacher worked there. I don’t know how the school felt about him, but suspect he was probably treated equally as bad, too.

The things I had to deal with at Chih-yung were troubling. Much of it led to my belief that there is racism in Taiwan. I could find no other answer to the questions that arose as to why that school mistreated me like that. From the beginning, the administration there treated us as inferior employees, choosing to not involve us in every teacher meeting and social event. We were not monitored in the least. I could have been teaching Portuguese, instead of English, for all they knew. I never once had a review. Despite that, I endeavored to be the best English teacher I could be. I tried everything to reach those under-achieving students that attended Chih-yung. My actions ran the gamut from severe punishments to over-the-top praise in order to get results from the students there. It was all to no avail, though. They had already been burned out to the point of not caring far before I began teaching them. Sadly, the system made them only worse. The best teacher in the world couldn’t have ignited a fire under them.

I asked the school administration how I was doing several times. Despite the fact that they really had no idea, they told me I was doing a great job. There was never much communication beyond that. Our classrooms were as far away from the administration’s office as they could be, at the top of a 6-story building in the corner of the campus. We learned about special happenings from the students. Often times, we learned that our classes had been canceled only when students didn’t show up. Rarely was there ever any advance notice of events. We were given a schedule at the beginning of the semester, but changes were common and updates were not. Still, whenever the school needed a teaching demonstration or a picture for their recruiting paraphernalia, they came to us. During my last year at Chih-yung, I gave a teaching demonstration which was attended by all the English department teachers, save one. The head teacher didn’t attend. Neither did anyone else from management. I was later told that it went very well. It was at that time when I began wondering about my future with the school. Why were they praising me from hearsay, instead of actually experiencing my demonstration for themselves? Little did I know that my concerns were not without warrant.

I guess that Chih-yung High School’s administration was tolerating me just like I was tolerating them. Their tolerance was a bit less than mine, though, as
those who readily gave me praise, before it was decided that my contract would not be renewed, gave me the cold shoulder, after. I don’t know what had been going on behind closed doors, only what I saw – an abrupt change in how I was treated. Those who I thought were supportive of me there treated me as their worst enemy, once the decision came down that I was no longer welcome. Needless to say, it wasn’t a pleasant farewell. I still harbor bitter feelings for how I was treated there.

My wife, Shu Mei, was not supportive during that point. The truth is that she has never been supportive when I really needed it. (I hesitated to use the word “never” but couldn’t think of one instance where sought-after support was received from Shu Mei.) This is a very cold, harsh fact, because I feel confident that I have given her the support she wants during times of turmoil. For example, I encouraged her to have faith in our marriage repeatedly during our first year of marriage. I needed to. Otherwise, we would have been divorced. It was during that first year that Shu Mei asked for a divorce six different times, because I voiced disagreement with her. Four of those six times weren’t even what could be classified arguments, just disagreements. To Shu Mei, a simple disagreement by me was cause for divorce. With Shu Mei, it is either her way or the highway.

Shu Mei possesses an over-abundance of stubbornness and selfishness. As long as I agree with her, everything is fine. The second I utter a word contrary to what she is saying, things get very messy. Typically, Shu Mei will get very upset and shut down. She has gone four or five days without saying a thing to me. When I try to break her silent treatment, with encouraging words, she goes into a very hating tirade, verbally assaulting me with a barrage of put-downs, followed by a demand for a divorce. With Shu Mei, there is no gray area, only black or white. The last time we had a disagreement, she told me that I am an ugly man and she hated everything about me. This kind of mistreatment has been going on for seven years. All the while, I have hoped that she could see that all is not so terrible, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to continue doing that.

Much of the difficulty I continue to face with Shu Mei stems from our background differences. A lot of our background comes from culture, but the brunt of it comes from how we were raised. Shu Mei seems to be continuing in the same manner as her parents did, while I am venturing away from some of the things mine did. Shu Mei was raised in a bizarre family, from my perspective. Her father is the quintessential man’s man. He has the demeanor of a prideful king, choosing to socialize with those on his same economic level and no one else. According to Shu Mei, he only spoke to his wife and two sons, ignoring his two daughters altogether. That condition remains to this day. If my wife calls his house and he answers the phone, he simply hands the phone to his wife and doesn’t speak to Shu Mei. When we attend social functions at his house, it is the same. He literally disavows the existence of his two daughters. Shu Mei says that he shows his acceptance and love for them in other ways. He has given them material things in their life. Shu Mei claims that she has had no problem with that situation. At first, I didn’t believe she could feel that way, but now I’m inclined to think she’s being honest. In fact, she has assimilated that atmosphere into our family, with her taking the role and temperament of her father.

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Albert Einstein is credited with the oft-spoken phrase “The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” “Over and over” and “again” seem redundant. I wonder why he didn’t just use “repeatedly”. But, then again, who am I to question a genius? Einstein was correct with this phrase, on so many levels.

Last month, when most schools hired their teachers for the upcoming school year, I asked the school where I work, via email, if my contract would be renewed for another year. I heard nothing from the school. Ten days ago, I asked again. I heard nothing back. Then, I asked, in-person, last week and was told that I would probably hear about it this week. Finally, today I received an email from the head of the personnel department that stated my contract would actually not be renewed this year. (The current one expires at the end of July.) In the email, he said that he regretted to inform me of this. He added that if I wanted to know the reason why, I should ask the head of the teachers, a Chinese man using the English name of Joseph. (It is common for Chinese people to have English names here in Taiwan, because we native-English speakers frequently have difficulty saying their Chinese names correctly.)

I had suspected last week that something was amiss, when some students said they heard I was leaving the school. I told them then that I was not, and asked them where they heard that. They said they heard it from other students. I wondered where they heard it. I suspect it was from my immediate boss, the head of the English department, “Sharon”. Since she took over the department this school year, her standard mode of communication has been everything but direct. All but a few times, important school communications were given to us, the two foreign teachers, from the students and not by Sharon. However, that is another story, and one that could take up an entire entry on its own.

I immediately called my wife, Shu Mei, and informed her of the email message. At first, she reacted as I suspected she would. She went into doomsday-mode about our finances. She said that we would have to stop our weekly counseling, because we would have no money. She also alluded to other expenditures that she felt needed to be ceased (i.e., air-conditioning, Costco, the Internet, etc.), and said she would begin looking for a new job for me. That phone call, like so many other discussions between Shu Mei and me, left me feeling somewhat emasculated. I really don’t like being in a vulnerable position like this. It reminds me of when I got into the auto accident last year, and Shu Mei helped me recuperate.

Although I appreciate her efforts, as I do now with job-seeking, how Shu Mei communicated to me, during that fragile time, left a lot to be desired. She was extremely overbearing in her manner. Nothing has changed since then. When she talks to me, because of the way she talks to me, I feel like a scolded child. And, that’s even before she gets irate at me, for not understanding her completely. Still, I have to repeat that I do appreciate her efforts. I have a lot of hope that I’ll come out of this dilemma better-off, because of Shu Mei’s actions. I must remember one of my mother’s favorite sayings: beggars can’t be choosers.

Following my first two classes, I had a break. I went to Joseph’s office, because I was genuinely curious as to why the school administration does not want to renew my contract, after five years of service with absolutely no complaints on their part. He wasn’t there. I returned to my classroom to teach two more classes. After that, I taught two more classes.

After that, I began writing an email message to Joseph. He told me early this year that he doesn’t like to communicate via email, but I really didn’t much care about that anymore. In the message, I stated just how upset I was that the school was going to essentially fire me, after such a stellar performance on my part. I got a bit into the message when who should appear at the doorway of my classroom? Joseph. He entered and I told him that I was writing an email to him and was glad he was there in-person, so I could discuss it face-to-face instead. I asked Joseph why the school was not going to renew my contract.

He began to blame the principal (who is part-owner of the school), which has been his modus operandi whenever there has been an issue (e.g., when I didn’t receive a raise after my first year of employment at the school). I interrupted him and said, “Joseph, don’t blame the principal for once. You’re supposed to be a manager. Act like one.” In the past, I had never spoken harshly at Joseph, but I just didn’t care anymore. If the school administration was getting rid of me, an employee who really strives to do the best possible job, then they didn’t deserve courteous banter. I was determined to raise our little tête-à-tête to a more pragmatic intensity, instead of just exchanging niceties.

“As your friend,” Joseph began. I interrupted him again, as this is another disingenuous expression he is frequently prone to use. “Stop saying you’re my friend,” I said to Joseph, “You’re not my friend and you never have been my friend, because a friend would not treat another friend as badly as you have treated me.” I continued, “First of all, my biggest problem is that I was not told about this until now. I should have been told you weren’t renewing my contract last week, when all of the other schools are hiring teachers for the upcoming year. But no, this school, this lazy school that doesn’t do anything until the Principal orders it, waited until the last possible minute to tell me. Now, my options are small. I will probably have to commute a long way to work, if I can even find a teaching job. If you had told me last month, as every other school in the area would have, I would have had a lot of options.”

“Second, in my job before coming to Taiwan, I was in airline management. I had to fire dozens of employees in my time there. I never once did it via email. And, I always gave them a chance to change what they were doing to avoid being fired. Not once have you, or anyone at this school, told me that I was doing a bad job. In fact, I heard many times that I was doing a good job. Let me tell you something, Joseph, I feel confident that I’m the best English teacher you have here.”

“We felt,” Joseph began, “That you weren’t teaching according to our way.” “What is your way?” I asked. “You have lived in Taiwan for many years,” He replied, “You should know our way by now.” I said, “If you’re talking about the English program of this school as being your way, then I understand it completely. I have told you in the past that I think it is the wrong way to teach English, because students actually know less English after leaving here than when they came. You were okay with me teaching in a different way then. If your feelings changed, you should have told me.”

“We just felt that you weren’t encouraging the students to speak English,” He said. “Why do you say that?” I asked. “Because some students told us that,” Joseph replied. “What students?” I asked, “Students from class 306? Some of them have had a problem with me throughout all their three years at this school. You know that they have been encouraged to say those things by their homeroom teacher, Sharon.” (That’s part of the other story I referenced before.)

Joseph repeated, “We just felt that you weren’t encouraging the students to speak English.” I knew he wanted to blame the Principal for this, but I wasn’t going to let him off the hook. “How many times did you watch me teach, Joseph? Or, how many times did Sharon, or her predecessor, Carol, watch me teach? Zero. That’s how many times. If you had a problem with me at any time, you would think that just one of you would actually see how I teach, instead of listening to some under-achieving students who are just trying to get on the good side of their homeroom teacher. If that wasn’t the case with those students, and I may be wrong, then surely it was because they were upset that I was actually challenging them to learn English. No other teacher does here.”

Basically, the English program at the school where I teach, aside from what the two foreign teachers do, consists of having students memorize endless vocabulary words and then testing them on the meaning of those words. There is absolutely no actual teaching of English going on, aside from word-memorization, which they forget shortly after testing. It’s really tragic, confirming the fact that the school cares only about money and not education.

Joseph repeated himself a third time, “We just feel that you weren’t encouraging the students to speak English.” “Let me tell you something,” I said, “Back when you asked me to conduct some classes outside for the remainder of the semester, I did so. When you asked me to take the students on a field trip, I did so. Other than that, you haven’t asked me to do anything. You don’t even know what I teach or how I teach. Honestly, I taught from the assigned textbooks to all students. Every English-major class I taught has completed their textbook. How many other English teachers did that? I’m sure you don’t know the answer, but I do – none. That is because they have been busy teaching their own things, telling their own stories about life, or simply not teaching at all.”

“I am the only one who is actually encouraging the students to speak English,” I continued, “No other English teacher asks students questions and gets answers, orally, throughout every class, but me. I award them extra points not only for answering questions, but asking questions, too. And the way I teach, using various audiovisual tools and the Internet, is to help them get excited about speaking English. But, you wouldn’t know any of that, because you, or any of your subordinates, never took the time to actually watch me teach. You’d rather just guess that I’m not doing a good job, because the students are not meeting your expectations with their verbal English ability. I am not the problem here; it is the entire English program that is the problem. English needs to be taught as a whole, reading, writing, speaking, and listening. You shouldn’t have the majority of English teachers focusing on teaching vocabulary words, and expect the only two foreign teachers you have at the school to teach everything else.”

“That’s your American way,” Joseph said, “Not our way.” “No, that’s the right way,” I replied, “When Taiwan is second from the bottom in English proficiency, as they are now, just one up from the bottom level, Vietnam, your way is not working. If you don’t change your way, Taiwan will continue to remain at the bottom. Don’t you think that is sad for a country with this much potential?” “It might not be the right way, as you say it,” Joseph replied, “But it is our way, and you should understand that.” “I do understand that,” I said, “And I understand that if the President of a company wants something done a certain way, like you’re saying the Principal wants English speaking taught, and then the employees of that company should do it, or leave the company. I understand that, and I have always been willing to do what the Principal wants. But, you never told me what he wants. I don’t even think he knows what he wants. Do you know what he wants?” “You should know,” Joseph answered, “You’re the English teacher. I’m not. By now, you should know our way.”

“Let me ask you something,” I queried, “You’re a teacher, too, right?” “Yes,” Joseph replied, “I teach International Business.” “Okay,” I continued, “How do you teach International Business?” Joseph answered, “Well, I start with the basics and go from there, but my students are a lot lower-level than your students.” I asked, “So, your students aren’t very motivated to learn, right?” “Right,” Joseph responded. “So, how do you get them motivated, Joseph?” I asked. “Well,” He said, “I try to tell them how learning International Business will help them in the future.” “Exactly!” I said, “That’s exactly what I do. I first try and get the students interested in learning English by helping them understand how it can help their future, then I begin with the basics. So, I am doing it your way!”

After that, Joseph became visibly distraught. “I just can’t handle this job,” He said to me, “Next year, at the end of my contract, I’m not going to do it anymore. It’s just too much for me.” I’ve heard this song-and-dance before from Joseph, and from Carol and Sharon for that matter, but they all hung on longer than they said they would, because the positions give them more pay. (At least Carol finally followed through with her promise to step down.) “I’ve heard this before from you,” I said to Joseph, “But, I don’t think you’ll do it. You love the money too much.” “No,” He replied, “I don’t care about the money. The Principal is just putting too many demands on me. Do you know that I didn’t leave here until 7:30p every night last week? Every night! And nobody cares.” “Joseph,” I said, “I know exactly how you feel. When I was doing that student video for more than a year, I put in numerous extra hours and worked several Saturdays, without extra pay. Nobody cared about that. In fact, this is what happened to me because of my extra efforts. I’m getting fired! I never thought I’d get fired for doing a good job.” “It’s just terrible,” Joseph said, still thinking about himself. “I know,” I said, still thinking about myself.

That’s basically how the conversation went. As I walked him to the door, he told me that the personnel director should have told me about this last month, because they knew about it then. I told him about what happened with the students last week, and that someone had leaked it to them. I’m pretty sure that you, the reader, know who did that. She’s a piece of work, that Sharon. Vindictive as a woman could ever be! Like a jackal, she’s been lying in wait to get me. Why? I have no idea. I never really did anything bad to her, except call her the worst teacher I’ve ever known, which is the truth. But, she burned the bridge way before that. Again, that’s a whole different story and one which I may, or may not, get around to telling sometime. In the end, she got what she wanted, rid of me. I wish her all the luck in the world. She’ll need it!

For now, I am on the hunt for a new job; sending my resume to all the local schools and actually considering moving back to the US, again. In conclusion, I don’t know who was more stupid: the school administration for not recognizing me as a valuable asset, or me for staying with them so long, knowing they didn’t recognize me as a valuable asset. I have to believe that they were, because they’ll undoubtedly continue to do the same thing over and over again [sic] and expect different results.

As with many things in my life, I discovered the joys of teaching by chance. I dabbled a bit in corporate training in my previous career, giving pre-shift briefings to customer service representatives at the airlines. I found that part of my job enjoyable. The happiness wasn’t to the extent of what I now feel, though. Being a teacher gives me a sense of fulfillment that I never thought possible before. When I experience seeing a student reflect what I have taught him or her, it thrills me beyond belief. I honestly feel that teaching is the noblest profession.

I hope that I can continue to be a teacher for the rest of my life. Sadly, I fear that financial constraints may prohibit me from doing so, though. There isn’t enough money in it to provide for my family’s future. I must seek other means of support, rather than continuing to just be a teacher. Still, right now, I am honored to be among the noblest, teachers.

Obviously, there are a myriad of websites that offer quotations on nearly every subject in existence. I like the fact that famous people have been quoted throughout history, as it provides me with words of wisdom and inspiration. I frequently visit some of the quotation websites to get a boost of positivity.

Here are a few excellent quotations about teaching that I’ve come across:

“Teaching is the greatest act of optimism.”
-Colleen Wilcox

“The test of a good teacher is not how many questions he can ask his pupils that they will answer readily, but how many questions he inspires them to ask him which he finds it hard to answer”
-Alice Wellington Rollins

“The true teacher defends his pupils against his own personal influence. He inspires self-distrust. He guides their eyes from himself to the spirit that quickens him. He will have no disciple.”
-Amos Bronson Alcott

“If children can’t learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn.”
-Ignacio Estrada

“When you love people and have the desire to make a profound, positive impact upon the world, then will you have accomplished the meaning to live.”
-Sasha Azevedo

“Tell me and I’ll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I’ll understand.”
-Chinese Proverb

“You can teach a student a lesson for a day; but if you can teach him to learn by creating curiosity, he will continue the learning process as long as he lives.”
-Clay P. Bedford

“A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary.”
-Thomas Carruthers

If you have any others that you like, please feel free to leave them in a comment. When I die, I would like the word “Teacher” on my headstone. I hope and pray that I can live up to the legacy of being a good teacher.