As I emerged from the veil that shrouded my unconscious thoughts during deep sleep, my mind settled momentarily upon a hazy vision where all was well and problems of the past were no more.  I basked in the warm serenity of that mental picture as long as I was allowed to, before complete consciousness took over.  For a fleeting moment, I felt that a truce had been called between all the past conflicting manners in my life.

My thoughts touched upon harmonious situations.  I envisioned speaking with my ex-wife, Tara, about the fact that I’m not such a bad person, as she portrays me to be, and she believed me.  I then reasoned with my current wife, Shu Mei, that yelling and physically punishing our sons is not beneficial to their future progression and she believed me.  After that, I met with my sons.  Cameron and I had a brief encounter in which he really understood that I loved and cared about him, and we both mourned for the time lost in which we had not relationship, but vowed to remain close forever more.  Finally, I spoke with Billy and Tyley together, for they are the closest of brothers, and they understood that everything I say to them comes from love, with my only desire being for them to be happy.

By design, all of those fictitious encounters happened almost instantaneously, for I knew that it would all be over in a flash.  Sure enough, as soon as I had reached an accord with my second and third son, the sound of Shu Mei broke through the haze.  She was yelling at Billy and Tyley to pick up their toys.  She threatened them with a spanking if they didn’t.  I tried to return to the utopia I’d just experienced, but the piercing tones of Chinese cut through the air like a knife.  She Mei was shrieking at the boys in her native tongue, which is something she reserves for the worst of her verbal assaults, as she feels it hides her juvenile behavior when dealing with the boys during times of stress.

Unable to return to the peace I had briefly experienced in a mental world that didn’t exist, I tried to pull it into the world that did.  I got up and left the bedroom and headed to the computer room, where Shu Mei was sitting, surfing the internet.  I tried to enter into a discussion with her about Cameron, petitioning her as to why she thought it was Tara had brainwashed him into believing I was a terrible person all these years.  Ever the one to not let an opportunity for degradation go by without a comment, Shu Mei said, “It must have been something you did.”  I’ve learned to let these kinds of frequent comments go, like water off a duck’s back.  Instead of protesting that supposition, I tried to change the subject to Billy and Tyley, and my feelings as to how they should be handled with positive reinforcement, rather than negative lambasting.

No more had the mention of this left my mouth than Shu Mei got up and left the room, me in mid-sentence.  She knew what the subject matter I was trying to raise would be and she wanted no part of it.  I had tried to discuss this matter with her many times before, and she has stubbornly refused to listen.  I guess that Shu Mei has always had difficulty with being compliant and humble.  Her stubborn and selfish nature is a definite blockage to her progression.  Luckily, she excels in other areas, which balances out those two character flaws to the point where they are often unnoticeable.  Sometimes, like this particular time, there is no denying them, though.

With reality swinging into motion, I went about the rest of my day.  Although I yearned for things to be as they were in those precious moments, common sense told me that they never would be.  It takes a great deal of effort to unravel the misconceptions that permeate through the minds of people one encounters.  Even then, there has to be willingness on the part of those people for any progress to be made.  Therein lies the great stumbling block, one that is certainly a permanent fixture of the real world.

Please take my picture off your website.

I replied with the following message:

Tara,

Wow, I didn’t even know you were still alive! Which picture are you referring to? The truth is that the tiny bit of information that I’ve found out about Cameron… You remember him, right? He’s the boy that could have had a close relationship to his father (i.e., me), had he not been brainwashed by his mother (i.e., you) into believing that his father (i.e., me) is some horrific ogre-like demon. …Anyway, the tiny bit of information that I’ve found out about him over the years came from outside sources that happened upon my website, not in any way, shape, or form from you. So, please understand me when I am a tad bit sensitive about taking anything off my website. Enough said, because I’m trying to be civil. Maybe in another sixteen years I’ll have evolved into actually being able to be cordial with you, but I doubt it. These wounds don’t heal easily.

Regards,
BB

One by-product of this “accentuating the negative” approach to writing on my weblog is that I have left out many precious and joyful experiences in my life. These “Kodak moments” are cherished by me, emblazoned in my mind for eternity. However, I have neglected to share them with you, the reader. For this, I wholeheartedly apologize. I vow to make a concerted effort to go back and fill in the gaps of my history with those more-positive happenings.

One such omission, and perhaps the greatest neglect I have made thus far, is the experience I had with my first wife, Tara. I did archive the events that led up to my union with Tara, but I approached them from the position of a spurned ex-husband, which is what I was at the time of writing about them. (And, frankly, still am to an extent.) But what resulted in a marriage between Tara and me wasn’t just a happenstance. It wasn’t merely an outcome produced from some random intimate tryst. True, our initial meeting was expected to be a one-nighter by both of us, but the events that followed were more common with how most couples fall in love.

Please understand that I am writing this twenty years after-the-fact and my memory isn’t completely clear as to the order of the events that took place. I am sure of one thing, though. Tara and I fell in love. Initially, as I recall, I was working at Osco drugstore in Orem, Utah, while attending Utah Valley Community College over the summer. Tara was working at McDonald’s in Provo, Utah, while attending UVCC, too. After our first union, which I have written about elsewhere in an archived post predated to the time of the event, I approached Tara and asked her to go with me on a date.

We went on a picnic, hiking a bit up one of the nearby canyons. We hit it off quickly, talking for what seemed like several hours about our lives, our aspirations, and our dreams. We were two peas-in-a-pod, Tara and I, for we seldom disagreed and never argued. There were other dates that followed, hiking in other canyons, visits to Lagoon (an amusement park), and several dinner-and-movie dates. We were, in most respects, a normal couple falling in love, albeit at a very quick pace.

For me, it was love at first sight. I was enamored with her vibrant personality. Her smile comforted me. The way she laughed at my corny jokes made me feel like a million bucks. In addition to that, Tara was very flirtatious. She had a way about her that every woman could learn from. She wasn’t overbearing with it, she just had looks, and touches, and moves that were simply magnetizing. I found myself quickly falling in love with her. In fact, there was nothing confrontational about our relationship.
I found myself doing things for Tara that I’d never done for a girl before. During our courtship, I moved from the complex where Tara and I had met to a condominium near to Brigham Young University, and attended school there. Whenever Tara visited me, I went around the condo making sure everything was clean and organized. I spent more time grooming myself, before seeing Tara, than I had ever done previously. Also, I actually cooked for her on a couple of occasions, which is something I’d never done before!

Tara and I were very affectionate toward one another. We walked about; arm-in-arm, holding hands and staring at one another like there were no other people in the world. We had different likes and dislikes, but we accepted that. Our conversations were fluid and we accepted and validated each other’s opinions, without accusatory judgment.

Because Tara and I are Mormons, we shared guilt about having pre-marital sex. That is something which is contrary to the doctrine of our Church, and something that prohibits a couple from being married in a Mormon temple. Our relationship was getting to the point where the prospect of marriage was being thought about. Consequently, we decided together to make an attempt to quit having sex until when (and if) we got married.

It was around this time that Tara and I both began working for NICE Corporation, an outbound telemarketing firm. For the most part, we shared the same shift hours, while continuing to attend school. Therefore, we spent a lot of time together. Our commitment to not having sex grew increasingly difficult. Some nights, we actually slept together, while not engaging in sex. The situation of us spending so much time together, coupled with the fact that we had a past of having frequent sex, made it unbearable for us to continue our vow of chastity.

During the period that we abstained from sex, Tara went off of the birth control. The thinking was that she had no need to take it, for there was not going to be any sexual activity taking place. When we found ourselves having sex again, it was an unplanned occurrence and we didn’t even use a condom. What we did do was the pullout method. Now, let me tell you that the pullout method definitely doesn’t work, for I have had three children using that method. But at the time, it seemed like a good idea, horny as we both were.

Once we began having sex again, we didn’t stop. In fact, the frequency was greater than before. We often cut dates short, or left social gatherings, so that we could engage in intimacy. Up until that time, I had never experienced such a passionate relationship as the one I was experiencing with Tara. It certainly seemed like nirvana to me. We were so in love with each other that we completely forgot about our Church’s doctrine and did what seemed like something pleasing toward each other.

We often expressed our love for each other. I told Tara that she was greater than any other woman on earth. To me, she was the most physically beautiful woman. But, my love for her went far beyond that. She demonstrated a lot of concern for me, worked hard on making our time together enjoyable, and possessed very pleasing ladylike attributes. We praised each other. I felt like I was the most special man alive to her, and I feel confident that she felt treasured by me. Finding no flaw with Tara, I grew to love everything about her.

We enjoyed life together as if we were inseparable. We longed to be with each other when we were apart, calling each other often, and rushing to meet each other at every opportunity. Tara and I were like-minded. That is, we enjoyed spending a lot of time alone together just talking and sharing the happenings of the day. We were genuinely and unequivocally in love.

At that time, my father was making an addition on his cabin in Island Park, Idaho. I was on break from school, so I went there to help him. We poured the foundation to the addition during an early snowfall. I remember one of the cement trucks got stuck and another one had to pull it out. It was during that episode when I told my father, “Dad, I think I want to marry Tara.” He responded, “Well, you better be surer than just think.” I told him that I had misspoken and that I was really certain I wanted to marry her. He said that she seemed like “a really great gal” and that he was happy for my decision.

In the weeks that followed, after I returned to school, Tara said that she was considering moving to some state in the Midwest (which state, I cannot recall). She wanted to pursue a career as a travel agent and there was a school there she was interested in attending. My heart sank when she told me that. I thought that I would lose her if that happened. There was nothing that I could have imagined worse than that, for I loved her dearly. I began looking into the schools in the area that she was talking about, to see if I, too, could move there.

In hindsight, I have to wonder why Tara was considering moving to attend this school, given the closeness of our relationship. Perhaps she was getting a bit scared at how close we were becoming, and felt the next step of marriage coming upon us. Maybe she was worried about the “immoral” nature of our relationship, as it was against the doctrine of our Church. Perhaps she just genuinely wanted to become a travel agent and that school was appealing to her. I simply don’t know why she just sprung that news on me, without preparation. I’ll probably never know. What I do know is that I was willing to do anything it took to not lose her.

Then it happened. A few days after the surprise announcement of the travel school, Tara called me with another surprise, a big whopper to be sure. Over the telephone, she told me that she was pregnant. I could tell from her voice that she was very distraught over it. She sobbed as she asked me, “What are we going to do?” I told her, “We’re going to get married, of course!” She said, “We can’t get married just because I’m pregnant.” I explained to her that this wasn’t the reason we should get married, but because we were in love with each other. She said that she would have to think about it.

I remember walking around the condo where I lived, from the kitchen to the living room to the hallway and back to the kitchen, repeatedly. As I did, I thought of what a fantastic happening this was. I felt that God had blessed us, even though we hadn’t followed His gospel principles, and that we were entering a new and important phase of our lives.

After walking around that circuit for what seemed like a thousand times, pondering upon the future, I heard Tara coming in the front door. I went to greet her. She was in tears. Tara told me that she felt like she had done something very wrong in her life, that she had ended up being the failure that her mother once told her she would be. I assured her that this is what mother’s do, in moments of anguish, and her mother had a lot of love and faith in her. I told her that this was a moment to celebrate and not feel bad about. I spoke to her for a long time, filling her full of a hope for the future of us together, with a wonderful little baby. At that time, I felt that love would conquer all.

Tara wasn’t immediately agreeable to getting married, though. She wanted to ponder and pray about it. It took her several days before she agreed to marry me. In that time, I arranged for a proper proposal, one that I hoped would impress her. We had at one time looked at wedding rings and I remembered one she was especially fond of. I purchased it. Then, I set about to make a creative proposal.

I got an egg-timer and set it in a little cardboard box. Then, I decorated the box to look like a bomb, complete with pipe-cleaners for wires and all. Then, I used my video camera to make a proposal video for Tara. In the video, I was in several settings, playing my guitar and singing love songs for her. At the end of the video, I was on my knees and said I had an important question for her. I then had the question text ‘Tara, will you marry me?” superimposed on the screen and asked her the question. I said, “If the answer is ‘yes’ please meet me at Adrian’s [a chic restaurant in Provo, Utah]. If the answer is ‘no’ then please set the timer on the bomb and leave. I will be home before it blows up, because living without you isn’t worth living.” I then called Tara and asked her to come over. I went to Adrian’s, in the hope that she would join me there later on.

Luckily, Tara did show up at Adrian’s. I was grinning ear-to-ear when I saw her. I had asked for, and received, a very romantic setting in the restaurant, one in which I’m sure countless men had proposed to their girlfriends before. It was a romantic dinner, except for one thing. The waiter interrupted us all-too-often, asking if everything was alright. I politely told him, “Yes,” But I wanted to say, “It would be ‘alright’ if you were to get lost!” Because of these frequent interruptions it was hard for me to find a time to present Tara with her engagement ring. In fact, when I finally did do it, the waiter showed up in the middle, to inquire about everything being alright. Seeing me down on my knees with a ring in my hand probably answered his question, as he quickly went away. To my sheer delight, Tara said, “Yes, I will marry you, BB.” No man on earth could be happier than I was at that moment.