In the precious few seconds between deep slumber and the awakening consciousness that comes when one emerges from naptime lies a peaceful solitude.  It is at that time when one feels the warm emotions of a world where things are the way they ought to be.  Inevitably, that joyous slice of heaven is erased by stark reality as soon as complete consciousness takes over, a reminder that the world is as imperfect as ever.  Such was the case when I woke up from an afternoon nap this fine Saturday afternoon.

As I emerged from the veil that shrouded my unconscious thoughts during deep sleep, my mind settled momentarily upon a hazy vision where all was well and problems of the past were no more.  I basked in the warm serenity of that mental picture as long as I was allowed to, before complete consciousness took over.  For a fleeting moment, I felt that a truce had been called between all the past conflicting manners in my life.

My thoughts touched upon harmonious situations.  I envisioned speaking with my ex-wife, Tara, about the fact that I’m not such a bad person, as she portrays me to be, and she believed me.  I then reasoned with my current wife, Shu Mei, that yelling and physically punishing our sons is not beneficial to their future progression and she believed me.  After that, I met with my sons.  Cameron and I had a brief encounter in which he really understood that I loved and cared about him, and we both mourned for the time lost in which we had not relationship, but vowed to remain close forever more.  Finally, I spoke with Billy and Tyley together, for they are the closest of brothers, and they understood that everything I say to them comes from love, with my only desire being for them to be happy.

By design, all of those fictitious encounters happened almost instantaneously, for I knew that it would all be over in a flash.  Sure enough, as soon as I had reached an accord with my second and third son, the sound of Shu Mei broke through the haze.  She was yelling at Billy and Tyley to pick up their toys.  She threatened them with a spanking if they didn’t.  I tried to return to the utopia I’d just experienced, but the piercing tones of Chinese cut through the air like a knife.  She Mei was shrieking at the boys in her native tongue, which is something she reserves for the worst of her verbal assaults, as she feels it hides her juvenile behavior when dealing with the boys during times of stress.

Unable to return to the peace I had briefly experienced in a mental world that didn’t exist, I tried to pull it into the world that did.  I got up and left the bedroom and headed to the computer room, where Shu Mei was sitting, surfing the internet.  I tried to enter into a discussion with her about Cameron, petitioning her as to why she thought it was Tara had brainwashed him into believing I was a terrible person all these years.  Ever the one to not let an opportunity for degradation go by without a comment, Shu Mei said, “It must have been something you did.”  I’ve learned to let these kinds of frequent comments go, like water off a duck’s back.  Instead of protesting that supposition, I tried to change the subject to Billy and Tyley, and my feelings as to how they should be handled with positive reinforcement, rather than negative lambasting.

No more had the mention of this left my mouth than Shu Mei got up and left the room, me in mid-sentence.  She knew what the subject matter I was trying to raise would be and she wanted no part of it.  I had tried to discuss this matter with her many times before, and she has stubbornly refused to listen.  I guess that Shu Mei has always had difficulty with being compliant and humble.  Her stubborn and selfish nature is a definite blockage to her progression.  Luckily, she excels in other areas, which balances out those two character flaws to the point where they are often unnoticeable.  Sometimes, like this particular time, there is no denying them, though.

With reality swinging into motion, I went about the rest of my day.  Although I yearned for things to be as they were in those precious moments, common sense told me that they never would be.  It takes a great deal of effort to unravel the misconceptions that permeate through the minds of people one encounters.  Even then, there has to be willingness on the part of those people for any progress to be made.  Therein lies the great stumbling block, one that is certainly a permanent fixture of the real world.

I sure wish I knew if I am a grandfather or not. It has been over three months since my son, Cameron, last wrote to me. I have written to him three times after that. He wrote that he and his girlfriend were due to have a baby on May 21, 2008. That date came and went without a word from Cameron and I’m very curious to know if I have a grandson. I can only assume that I do, given the information Cameron gave me more than three months ago. Sadly, it isn’t starting out to be the grandfather/grandson relationship I envisioned. For some strange reason, entirely incomprehensible to me at this time, Cameron continues to maintain a cloak of secrecy.

Initially, I thought his penchant for privacy was brought on by his mother’s influence. She has been that way for many years, too. Her influence must have definitely rubbed off on Cameron and now he has a habit of just not projecting himself out to the world. I know some of the reasons behind his mother’s desire to remain anonymous. Being known for malevolent actions is not a good thing, especially if one is trying for a career as an elementary school teacher. I’m not getting into mud-slinging in this entry. I’ve made mention of some of Tara’s illegal, immoral, and unethical actions in other entries. The point is that Cameron, at the age of 19, should now be his own person.

Cameron is now a grown man. He should be beginning to see that the world is actually very different from how his mother views it. Cameron should have the ability now to make a decision and take control of his own life. He doesn’t have to ostracize his mother to do that. I encourage him to maintain a loving relationship with his mother, for she has sacrificed a lot over the years to raise him. Maybe she didn’t raise him in the best way possible. Maybe she didn’t even raise him in the best way she knew. But, she did raise him and that is far more than I can say for myself. Because I thought Cameron would be better off with his mother than with me, I made the bad decision to drop a custody battle I could have easily won.

Now, Cameron is left with the task of putting the missing pieces of his life together on his own. I am confident he can do it. Even though I spent little more than his first three years as his day-to-day father, I knew then what I still know now: Cameron is a very gifted person. He is considerate, dependable, kind, and has moral integrity. Also, he was a very curious youngster. This translates to being a risk-taker later on in life, which is a great character trait of a leader. I always felt that Cameron would grow up to be some kind of leader. Having said that, I really don’t want him to be pressured by any of his great natural gifts. From personal experience of being pressured by my own parents into living up to potential, I learned it’s not a good thing to do to my own children. I just wish for Cameron to be happy. I have no expectations beyond that. Honestly, should anything ever take precedence over that? Cameron’s happiness is of paramount importance to me.

I hope that Cameron can cut the apron strings and understand that it is time to move on and start learning things about the world on his own. I hope that his girlfriend will be a good influence on him, giving him some serious sit-downs, hear-to-heart time, and telling him that it is time to focus on his relationship with her, not his mother.

I think that Cameron will be alright in the end. He will see that communicating with me can only be a good thing. He will also see that having a relationship with his grandparents, my parents, can serve him well. He has to act fast, though, as none of us are getting any younger. I pray for his daily success and wish him well in all the challenges that he encounters. Life is a series of tests. Maybe Cameron won’t pass all of them, but I’m confident that he’ll pass the ones that are the most meaningful. I love him very much and think about him daily. I guess that will never change. How could it? My love for Cameron is eternal.

There are enormous gaps between weblog entries. When I began this weblog, I didn’t intend it to be so. I envisioned a continuous flow of ideas and happenings being catalogued online. Sadly, this did not happen and I must confess that I doubt it ever will. It simply isn’t as high of a priority as I once thought it was, or should be.

Rather than try to recap all the things that have occurred since my last weblog entry, I’ll just address what is currently going on in my life. First, and foremost, my wife and I are in marriage counseling. We are going to see a wonderful man, Vaughn, on a weekly basis. I enjoy his method of therapy, as he provides us with processes to solving our problems on our own. We have only seen him four times, but our relationship shows signs of getting better.

Frankly, much of what Vaughn says to Shu Mei is the same as what I’ve been saying to her all along. I guess because it is coming from an expert in the field of relationships, she puts greater faith in it now than when I said it. So, in reality, I am paying money for someone to say the same things I’ve been saying all along. It is worth every penny, though, because our relationship is getting better, albeit at a snail’s pace. It could all still fall apart, but at least now we seem to be heading in the right direction.

I must paraphrase an email message here that I sent to a friend recently, because writing it gave me a burst of self-awareness. In the message, I described how I currently feel about my life. I wrote that I feel my life is neither good nor bad right now. It is just somewhere in the middle. I am just okay.

I went further in the email, stating that I often wonder what the point is, then I look into the eyes of my two sons, Billy and Tyley, and I understand. When they say, “Daddy, I super super love you!” as I’m leaving for work each morning, I feel like I have a purpose in life. When I come home from work each night and they run up to me yelling, “Daddy’s home!” and hug me, I feel like I have a purpose in life… And, when they seem genuinely interested in whatever I am doing, no matter how trivial it is, I feel like I have a purpose in life. That is what makes me smile, both inwardly as well as outwardly.

After sending that message, I came to the realization that I don’t need my life to be good or bad. I am happy with just being okay, as long as I have the love of my sons. However, there is another son who I am concerned about, Cameron. I think of him every day, wondering what he is doing and hoping he is alright. I haven’t heard from him since February. In that message, he stated that he was looking for a place for him and his girlfriend. They are due to have a baby next month.

I hope that Cameron’s girlfriend is doing well and that the pregnancy isn’t too difficult for her. First pregnancies can be tough, as I have witnessed with Cameron’s mother and Shu Mei. Cameron has always been a loving person, so I’m certain he will help his girlfriend through any tough times she may have. I wrote him another message today, asking for an update. Hopefully, I will hear something back from him this time.

I asked him if he would allow me to see his baby, my grandson, if I come to visit America next summer. He said that would be good. Because of unforeseen expenses, it isn’t looking like I’ll be able to afford the trip, though. I’m still trying to swing it, because I really want to see Cameron, his girlfriend, and their new baby boy, but I don’t know. There’s not a lot I can do to earn more money at this point. I may have to just start saving for next year.

It is saddening for my parents, too, because they wanted to see Billy and Tyley this summer. They’re not in the best physical shape of their life, both of them in their mid-seventies, and it would be difficult for them to make the trip to Taiwan. Still, I think they might just do it, if I can’t go there. They really enjoy spending time with the boys. And who wouldn’t!? Those two are a sheer joy, through and through.