It has been over two months since my last weblog entry. I don’t know if I’ll ever go back and document the happenings of that time period. So, I’ll give a summation here and now.

I spent a wonderful month in the United States at my parents’ house. Chief among the positive experiences there was seeing my sons, Billy and Tyley. I knew I would miss them before they even left, but Shu Mei had already decided to venture ahead two months before me. I never realized fully just how much I’d miss them, though. I was thrilled beyond belief when I stepped off the airplane in Salt Lake City, exited the concourse, and saw their bright smiling faces. They ran up to me and gave me hugs. I picked both of them up and tears ran down my face as I felt the love between us. I never wanted to let go of them, but they had stories to tell me and I set them back down so they could go at it. Each of them spoke about their activities in the US the preceding two months. I listened intently, as we walked to the baggage area to retrieve my luggage.

Regrettably, I wasn’t so thrilled to see my wife, Shu Mei. There had been a lot of bad blood between us the last time we saw each other, and some heated arguments after she left, via Skype. I did hope things would get better after seeing a family therapist. Luckily, they did. Together we spent some sessions with a lifelong friend of my parents, John Harris. John is a career therapist and helped us work on a few of the big problems in our relationship. We have a great need to continue therapy, but as yet have not done so. We have some financial constraints which prohibit us from doing so.

I got to spend time with my parents, sisters, and brother. Out of them, I spent most of my time with my parents, dividing it equally between my father and mother. My father has been having some health problems recently, having developed diabetes a few years ago. He isn’t as agile as he once was. My mother is also feeling her age. Both of them are in their 70’s and have had a life full of adventures. Having lived in many places throughout the US, along with a year in Thailand, they now feel they’re finally in their last home, in Kaysville.

I got to see my old friend, Jeff Apgood. He was very hospitable to my family and me. He has a wonderful family and is truly a genuine guy, through and through. My sisters Julie and Kaye help my parents out at their home. Julie often cooks food for them and Kaye helps out with yard work. My brother lives a few hours away, in Pocatello. I got to visit him on the way to our family’s cabin, in Island Park. He has a big piece of land in a rural area, with three horses. Billy got the opportunity to ride on one of them, and also rode on his 4-wheel ATV. All of my brother’s children are grown up and moved out of his home, save his youngest, Jake. Jake wasn’t there when I visited, but my brother’s wife, Jena, was.

While in America, I participated in too many activities to mention here. Suffice it to say that it was a very active time. The only regret I have is that I didn’t see my son, Cameron. Although I sent him several emails requesting to see him, he didn’t accept my invitation, for some unknown reason. I hope that I will be able to see him next time. I think of him every day, hoping that he is well and happy.

About a month after returning home, I got in a scooter accident. I was driving to church on my scooter and an old man on a scooter came quickly from a side road in front of me. There was a hedge blocking my view of the side road, so I didn’t see him coming until he was right in front of me. He had a young girl riding with him. The front of my scooter hit the side of his. I went flying through the air and landed on my back on the pavement. The old man and girl fell off of their scooters. I thought I was going to die, as I lay there gasping for breath. I remember thinking that at any time I would start tasting blood in my mouth and then I would die, like it happens in the movies. However, I didn’t.

As I lay there, I could hear the young girl sobbing. It seemed like a very long time before someone came up to me. All I could do is say the Chinese words for 119, which is the equivalent of 911 (emergency call) in the US. Eventually, someone called and an ambulance arrived and took me to the hospital. Again, I don’t want this entry to go on forever, so I’ll spare further details of my accident. I must say that I am on the mend, having suffered seven broken bones because of it (i.e., four broken ribs, a broken clavicle, a broken arm, and a broken vertebrae).

My biggest worry now, aside from my pain from the scooter accident (another three months healing time), is the state of my relationship with Shu Mei. As I stated, finances have gotten tight, due primarily to unforeseen medical costs, and counseling sessions are not affordable right now. Without a family therapist, our marriage may be doomed. We are pretty much in the same boat that we were in before the trip to the US. I know how not to make Shu Mei unhappy, but I don’t know how to make her happy. So, we’re just treading water until we can afford counseling. It is a sad situation.

I don’t want to leave this entry on a sad note, so I’ll relate something that I learned just a few days ago. Cameron sent me an email that told me his girlfriend is pregnant with their baby! Even though they are young, I was very happy to get the news. I wrote him back, congratulating him on the wonderful happening, and asked if I might be a part of his child’s life, as its grandfather. He replied that I could be. I was very happy to hear that and look forward to spending time with his child. This event will surely let Cameron know what it is to be a father and feel unconditional love for a child. Hopefully, that realization will bring us closer as a father and son, something I’ve hoped and prayed for for many years.

I spoke to my father via Skype video today. I got the idea from my conversation with him that he doesn’t understand what I’m going through at all. I said that actions speak louder than words to me, so I’ll wait and see what actions Shu Mei takes before doing anything. I think he misconstrued that to mean I wanted to do something bad to Shu Mei. Then, I answered the question of what Billy had said about this. I said that Billy told me yesterday that Shu Mei had said to him and Tyley that I was going to take them to America to live with my “girlfriend”. From talking to Shu Mei in the past, I knew this “girlfriend” meant my ex-wife. Honestly, I can think of nothing worse at this time than to try and go back to my first wife. The idea seems extremely idiotic to me, too. In fact, if my ex-wife were the only woman on earth, I would turn gay. I have no idea how Shu Mei got that crazy notion in her head and, more importantly, why she told that to Billy.

Then, Dad chastised me for bringing this terrible situation up with Billy. However, it was Billy that brought it up to me. I wasn’t even talking to Billy about the situation, nor have I since Saturday night. I did talk to him then, because I desperately needed someone to talk to and he was the only one available. (You see, I have no friends to speak of here in Taiwan.) Even then, I didn’t speak badly about Shu Mei to him. Can’t Dad understand that I know it’s wrong to talk to Billy and/or Tyley about this?

At one point, Dad wanted to hang up on me because he felt I was being negative about the whole saving face issue. Dad said that I cannot change Shu Mei, which is true, and then he told me that he isn’t going to allow her to divorce me. Isn’t that contradictory?

Let me tell you, you don’t know the half of the problems I’ve had with Shu Mei. I have held a lot back from going in these entries, not because I’m trying to conceal something, but most of it I thought was trivial and not pertinent to the message I was trying to convey at the time. In retrospect, it is all important and the little things do add up. You think I’ve told you so many negative things? Well, there are a thousand more for every one that I’ve shared with you here. I wanted to write on this weblog more often, but I couldn’t think of anything good to say. If I had waited for something good to say, I wouldn’t have written at all. Maybe that would have been better, as Shu Mei doesn’t even want to speak to me now. Maybe I shouldn’t have written anything at all. I just thought that maybe I could help someone in the future avoid the mistakes that I have made, and to help myself recognize and strive to not commit the same mistakes as I did before. Ironically, I seem to be doing that very thing.

I’m really upset that my father can’t understand how much I have given to this marriage and how little Shu Mei has. Dad asked me if Shu Mei and I made a commitment five and a half years ago when we got married, to stay together through good times and bad, forever. He didn’t like my answer that “one of us did”. Until this past week, I had never even considered divorce as an option. (And, I have since taken that option out of my mind.) From the beginning until now, Shu Mei has brought it up repeatedly. How do you think that makes me feel? And, how do you think it makes me feel when my father questions my level of commitment? It should be Shu Mei that he is questioned, not me.

This isn’t my first marriage. This is now. Things are different. I am different. I knew immediately then that I was a horrible husband to Tara. That isn’t the case now. I feel confident that I have done more than enough to make this marriage successful. What other man has played his role better than I have? How many hours did Dad take care of us when we were young? How many diapers did he change? How many baths did he give? How many nights did he play with us, dropping whatever he was doing to spend time with us? I’m just really upset that I can’t get the support I need.

Shu Mei’s family believes in stubbornness and vain pride, but I didn’t think Dad did. Now, don’t get the idea that I’m deflecting here, because I’m not. I take full responsibility for my actions. I was the one who made a bad decision to marry Shu Mei, but it was based on the information I had at the time. Yes, Dad did tell me about saving face, but not to the extent that he told me about it AFTER I was married, but he did mention it nonetheless. However, and this is a big HOWEVER, he didn’t tell me not to get married or even that I would have to never bring up the problems with my spouse in a conversation with her. So, I cannot understand why he is trying to come across now with an “I told you” attitude.

It just isn’t my father, either. My mother seems to relate more to Shu Mei than she does to me, so she tends to take that position when she attempts to advise me as well. I try to understand that they have known me all my life and have seen my many weaknesses and mishaps. Also, I am the kind of person that doesn’t put on errs and have let them know when I made mistakes. On the other hand, Shu Mei is someone who believes in saving face, that to put up a good front is the best way to go. So, I have to tell myself that this is what they’re reacting to. It isn’t what is real. It’s just a facade. But, that still doesn’t help me understand how they can have such little faith in me when I tell them the truth? Have they known me to lie about things as important as this? I am the one trying to make this marriage work.

This isn’t my first marriage. This is now. Things are different. I am different. I knew immediately then that I was a horrible husband to Tara. That isn’t the case now. I feel confident that I have done more than enough to make this marriage successful. What other man has played his role better than I have? How many hours did my father take care of us children when we were young? How many diapers did he change? How many baths did he give? How many nights did he play with us, dropping whatever he was doing to spend time with us? Those are some of the things I do in playing my role as a father. And it isn’t because I feel obligated to do them, it’s because I want to do them. Nothing gives me greater joy than the time I spend with Billy and Tyley. Nothing.

I love my father. He has helped me immensely in life. Through his wisdom, I have avoided many of life’s pitfalls. His guidance has been much-appreciated by me throughout my life, but I’m just really upset that I can’t get the support I need now.

Now, I get the feeling that everyone is blaming me for all the problems. I just cannot agree, but that’s what I’m understanding them to be saying. Okay, let’s say, for the sake of discussion, that I am the cause of all the problems. Isn’t that even more reason to go to counseling? Am I beyond help, where even counseling won’t help me discover my problems and how to solve them? If that is so, then why is it that I have asked, no begged, Shu Mei to go to counseling with me? I could go alone, as I did when I was dating Leana, because she also didn’t believe in counseling, but it would end up the same thing – the counselor talking about her problems, instead of mine. What good is that? The point is that I cannot see my problems as Shu Mei sees them. She really needs to be there to bring them up to the counselor, or there’s no way that he or she can understand what is going on, at least not for a very long time.

So, the fact of the matter is that Shu Mei has to go to counseling for our marriage to succeed. And, that is what I would hope my parents would focus on now, instead of trying to make me feel worse than I already do. I know it must not be any slice of heaven to see their son having so many problems in his marriage, but counseling should have been something that was encouraged by all from the get-go. I know it was by me, but nobody listened to me then. I hope someone is listening now. I’m usually more wrong than I am right, but on this matter, I have one thing to say to my father: “I told you so.”

Currently, I am ill. I feel terrible, both physically and emotionally. I just can’t shake these flu-like symptoms I’ve been having. I’ll say one thing, being sick does nothing to help my attitude.

My mother sent an email to me today regarding two unfortunate occurrences. First, my aunt Jane is very ill. My mother fears that she will even die. Second, my uncle Neil had a nephew that died. He was just one year older than me.

My heat goes out to my mother at this time, because I know that she has been very close to Jane for all her life. Not only has Jane been her favorite sister, but her best friend, as well. I think it may be difficult for my mother if Jane passes away. Even though they haven’t spoken on a regular basis as they once did (for years, they spoke daily), it would be hard to know that she can’t just pick up the phone and do that again.

I just can’t imagine what is going through my mother’s head at this time. She told me that she feels it is time for Jane to reunite with their mother and Jane’s twin sister. Jane had a twin sister that died at birth. I know that Jane has often spoken of her twin sister and how happy she will be to see her on the other side. Obviously, there was a bond there that surpassed her mortality, something she felt within her very soul.

I have had a pervasive feeling for quite sometime that every day is worse than the day before it. It’s true. I hate the passing of time, because it brings about yet more problems and more tragedies. I’ve tried to readjust my thinking and look at the glass as half full, but it seems that I’m on a path of doom and there is no way to change my course.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve prayed for motivation. Fervently, I have asked Our Heavenly Father to show me the way to live my life to its fullest. Thus far, no answer has come my way. Life has been a constant inner struggle for me. There is very little that brings me happiness. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but I beg to differ. Loss is a terribly difficult thing to endure. I have lost much in my life. The small gains do not equal even a small portion of the losses. That is why I feel each passing day is worse than the day before it.

My mother’s story of Neil’s nephew dying, a man that was just one year older than me, brought up many of the feelings of turmoil I am going through. I hate to take everything so personal, but that is what being ill does to me. What I was thinking, as I read her story about the man, was that he had someone who cared him, cared about whether he lived or died. Whatever the reason for that “caring” may have been, someone actually paid attention to whether he was around or not. On top of that, he had five children to bring him joy each day. As an engineer, he was probably making enough money to provide for them. From my perspective, his life was pretty darn good.

If I dropped dead today, my wife wouldn’t care a whit. In fact, she would probably be happy, as I believe there is a life insurance policy she could cash in on. It isn’t a lot of money in that policy, but it is more than she has now. The big thrill for her would be to get rid of me, the “cause” of all her problems.

I ride a scooter to work everyday. It scares the heck out of me, but Shu Mei encourages it, as “we cannot afford two cars”. While she is peacefully slumbering in bed each morning, I am dodging some of the worst traffic I have ever experienced. These Taiwanese drivers are crazy! I have no idea how some of them got a driver’s license. (They probably didn’t, being the miserly kind that they are.) My driving history isn’t the greatest, so when I think they are bad they must REALLY be bad!

Shu Mei had a plan to get a loan, once our house is built. I can already see how she is cutting back on that plan by reducing the amount of things “we” want for the new house. If her course is allowed to continue unimpeded, I have no doubt that my “office” will consist of a beach towel hung from the ceiling, dividing the main room from my “office”. What I had viewed as a much-needed frugal angel-of-mercy before we got married has turned into an irritating, miserly, stubborn, and selfish succubus from hell after we got married. My how people change for the worse!

Apparently, I agreed to cut our cable last week, as Shu Mei did that today. The lady showed up to collect the bill and Shu Mei canceled it. I do remember talking to her about it, but I’ve been pretty sick and wasn’t sure what was said. She told me that we agreed to cancel it, because Billy and Tyley shouldn’t watch TV. Always trying to be the “yes” man, I let it go.

Not that I watch that much TV (I basically watch only CNN every now and then), but it seems like just another thing taken away from my life. After all, I have had television available to me for as long as I can remember. Now, I won’t have that “luxury”. (Remember, here in Taiwan, there is no broadcast TV. It is all via cable.) And, I don’t know what Shu Mei will use to replace TV with for Billy and Tyley. There have been many times she’s used it as a babysitter, while she prepared their food. I know she can pop in a DVD for them to watch, but that would require extra effort on her part and I can’t even get her to put toilet paper on the toilet paper holder.

Do you ever grow tired of reading about my whining? I certainly don’t grow tired of writing about it. Hehe! You always have the option of not reading it. I’d never know. Actually, there is so much more I could say. Today, I’ve been mulling over memories of all the things I did wrong in my life. There were oodles of things I could have and should have done better. I harbor vast amounts of regrets, having seemingly made the wrong choices at every possible opportunity. A life full of failures is not something fun to relive. So, I’m forcing myself to focus on the tasks of today and work on the storyboard for the student video. At least I’m thinking again. I haven’t been able to do that much during this prolonged illness.

All I can do is hope that things will get better, beginning with my health.