I was feeling pressured to find a translator for the meeting I had arranged with Shu Mei’s mother today. I had called Li Wen’s family house last night, after Teacher Johnson and his daughter left the house and the boys were bathed and put to bed. However, nobody answered the phone and they don’t have an answering machine. I got the same result when I called his cell phone number. Also, I had called President Li to get Fenster’s number, but he only had an old number that was disconnected. Johnson said he could translate for me, if I couldn’t find anyone else, but I didn’t want to have him do that. He barely understands what I tell him. He couldn’t translate well between Shu Mei’s mother and me. In my mind, Li Wen would be the ideal translator. So, I kept calling him throughout the day today and finally reached him. Luckily, he was home from college for the weekend. He doesn’t always come home. Because Li Wen and I had a falling out the last time I spoke to him, partially fabricated on my part because I didn’t like him calling me all the time, I had to apologize to him before I could ask for his help in translating. He agreed to meet with me at 4:15 p.m. at McDonald’s. When I saw Li Wen, I couldn’t believe it! He is now as big as a whale. He had been losing weight the last time I saw him, but something had happened to cause him to go the other way. He’s had a lot of emotional issues in his life, so maybe that had caused him to gain weight. I certainly know that my stress has added to my junk food craving in the past five years or so.

We talked about what the plan was for meeting with Shu Mei’s mother. Li Wen cautioned me on some of the things I had wanted to say, saying it wouldn’t be prudent, given the culture here. So, I took that into consideration when we got to Shu Mei’s parents’ house. Shu Mei’s mother and her sister, Mei Hwa, were there. We sat down and I introduced Li Wen to them. Then, I asked them (through Li Wen) to please hold their questions or comments until I was done talking, because I had a lot to say. I began by saying that I was sorry for how I acted toward them on Saturday night, at the family get-together. Then, I told them that I did not want a divorce. After that, I began at the first of my marriage to Shu Mei and went up to the present, telling them my side of the story. I shared with them the reason for which I moved to Taiwan and the sacrifices I made to do it, in case they thought it was for money. I told them about how Shu Mei wanted a divorce just a few days after we were married, then six times she repeated that request in the first year of our marriage, and then three times since then. They listened intently. I’m sure they didn’t know about any of the things I was telling them. They appeared very interested when I spoke about how Shu Mei left me twice for several days, to an unknown destination, and even left me once overnight when Billy was a baby. I don’t think they knew to what extent I had taken care of the first Billy and then Billy and Tyley, giving up most of my nights, weekends, and all of my vacation time in doing so.

Forty-five minutes after I began speaking to them, I ended by talking about the events of Saturday night. I told them what had been going through my mind, even before everyone arrived, and what Shu Mei had said to me in English. These were things they didn’t know and it seemed to make an impact upon them. After I spoke, Shu Mei’s mother said (through Li Wen) that they never thought Shu Mei and I should get a divorce. They were upset that I had gotten so angry that quickly, but now understood it was something that had been building up over a long period. Mei Hwa said that if they had known I wanted the party on Sunday, instead of Saturday, they would have gladly changed it. They felt that counseling would be a good idea for Shu Mei and I and that Billy and Tyley need their parents to be together in a loving relationship. They said that they would try and convince Shu Mei to go to counseling. I was very happy to hear them say that. I don’t know if that was their exact sentiment before my long speech to them, but it was a great thing to hear afterwards.

I suspect that they felt that way all along and were just a bit confused about the events of Saturday night. I doubt that they had backed Shu Mei’s decision to get a divorce at any time, though I’m not certain for sure. I left there feeling like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I told Li Wen that I would pay him for his services, but he said I could buy him dinner instead. So, we drove our scooters toward Shalu, to an all-you-can-eat restaurant he recommended. Halfway there, it began to rain heavily. Even though we put on raincoats, the rain was so heavy that the streets were flooded and our shoes and pants were getting soaked. It got so bad that I suggested we turn back and head to my house.

Shu Mei had taken the boys to a dance show in Taichung (I learned the next day from Billy). So, I cooked food for Li Wen. That was no minor task. By himself, he ate a big chef salad, 4 grilled beef patties, 1 large piece of grilled salmon (the size we usually cook for the whole family), a full package of macaroni and cheese, three mangoes, and drank three glasses of soda.

Last Saturday, I discussed with Shu Mei my desire to get rid of the echo in the computer room. It is my desire to incorporate audio recording in the computer-based English training program, and Shu Mei has had me make English recordings from time-to-time for her various projects. The latest one was two weeks ago, when she had me record several children’s stories and an English speech for the school where she worked. I want the walls in the room to absorb the sound, rather than bounce it back. I looked at several options and weighed the pricing. The cheapest one I found was to glue thin carpet tiles to the walls. The cost of this would be half as much as the next option, acoustic tiling, and probably more aesthetically pleasing. I told Shu Mei the price and she okayed it. Then, I asked her if we could go to B&Q and she said she had a meeting from noon on. Apparently, she decided to try and sell the fuel pill program again. She had not done anything with it for nearly a month, so I thought she had given it up. Shu Mei said we should go the following Saturday (today) to B&Q, which I agreed to do.

Two days ago (Friday), Shu Mei told me that there would be a family get together on Saturday at our house, because her mother wanted to eat turkey. I asked about going to B&Q and she said there wouldn’t be time. She said I could take the boys there without her, though. I intended to do so, but felt physically ill on Saturday morning and stayed in bed. Being sick, I felt very needy. However, Shu Mei didn’t even check on me once. I could have died there, alone in bed, and she wouldn’t have known it until her family members arrived for the get-together in the evening and asked where I was. So, my physical illness was mixed with despair because my desire for attention wasn’t being met. Consequently, I just slept most of the day, being joined by Tyley for his morning nap and Billy and Tyley for their afternoon nap. Eventually, I felt well enough to get up. Shortly before Shu Mei’s family members arrived, I was up and about. I even managed to clean the bathroom and computer room. As they arrived, I was just finishing up the computer room and Shu Mei’s brother-in-law approached me. It is rare that he joins in any of the family activities, having had some kind of run-in with Shu Mei’s father years ago. However, every time he has been there, he speaks to me in Chinese, asking why it is that I haven’t learned the language yet, after living here so long. I have developed a much greater tolerance for people who live in a foreign country and cannot speak the common language of that country. All those Chinese people who spend their lives in the various Chinatowns of America are okay by me. I feel that if they want to live in America and not learn English, more power to them. By the same token, I don’t think any government funding should go to communication in other languages except English. Let me tell you, though, the situation here is different than that of the U.S. There are enough people here that speak Chinese to where someone (like me) doesn’t really need to learn Chinese to function anywhere in the country.

The dinner was satisfactory, although the turkey was as tough as leather. It was the first time I’d had Taiwanese turkey, and it left a lot to be desired. Still, it was okay for me. Nobody ate much of it except for Shu Mei’s mother and me. Those in attendance were all of Mei Hwa’s family, except Annie, all of Shu Mei’s older brother’s family, and Shu Mei’s mother. Her father is away on a trip and her younger brother had to attend the wedding of a friend. I rented Spiderman for the kids to watch. After eating, everyone sat around yelling to each other. I joked with Shu Mei that I wanted to record it, because it literally sounded like a yelling competition. Chinese is not a quiet language at all and Taiwanese, what they were mainly speaking last night, is even louder. So, there was a lot of noise bouncing back and forth between the concrete walls. Shortly after everyone was done eating, Tyley got a bit rambunctious and started running. Just as soon as he started to do this, he slipped and fell. He fell backwards, slipping on something and knocked something off the coffee table. I think it was some soda, but I’m not sure. I was mainly concerned with him, as he immediately began to cry. Then the yelling began. Shu Mei started, by yelling at him in English that he got what he deserved for running. Sensing his crying would turn into throwing up, as it often has in the past, I went and picked him up to calm him. That is when Shu Mei’s mother yelled VERY loudly in his ear, which made him go hysterical and cry harder. I’m sure Shu Mei’s mother was yelling good things to him, like “It’s okay!!! You’re fine!!!” But to a two-year-old, it is still yelling. I don’t understand how she doesn’t realize this, yelling right in his ear like that. I knew that it was important to get him calmed down and went to the bedroom, to a quiet spot, but barely opened the door when he began throwing up. He threw up all over me. I tried to catch the vomit between us, but some of it got on the floor. I was going to give him a bath and saw Shu Mei out of the corner of my eye coming out of the kitchen with a mop. She was going to clean up whatever had spilled off the coffee table.

I said, “Shu Mei, can you clean this up after you’re done there?” pointing to the vomit on the floor. She said, “Leave me alone.” I reiterated, “This needs to be cleaned up.” She said, “Shut up!” and continued on toward the coffee table. It was then that I got angry. I slammed the door to the bedroom shut. As I went to the bathroom to clean Tyley and myself off, I could hear Shu Mei yelling something in Chinese. It was obvious that she was complaining about me. Knowing that her sister, Mei Hwa, speaks some English I returned to the living room where everyone was and told Mei Hwa to tell everyone that I slammed the door because Shu Mei had told me to shut up. Mei Hwa didn’t even acknowledge that I was talking to her and just went to grab Tyley away from me. I don’t know what she was thinking, probably that here was some madman holding a small child and she better get the child away from him as quick as possible, lest he hurt the child. I don’t know. But, I do know that she wasn’t acknowledging that I was the father of that child and I have spent more time with that child, caring and nurturing that child, than any other father I had known did for his child, especially her own father, and the man she is married to no less. In fact, I tried to explain to her, as she was grabbing Tyley by the arm, that she has probably never told her husband to shut up and wondered what would be his reaction if she did. She ignored me and just said, “Shu Mei has been very busy.” I guess this was meant to condone her actions, as if anything could.

Then, Shu Mei’s mother got involved and grabbed Tyley’s other arm. I said to them, “No, I will give him a bath. I have given him hundreds of baths. I think I can handle that.” They didn’t even attempt to understand me and continued to grab him by the arms. I had to literally pull him away and walk through them into the bedroom and then to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. Then, I gave Tyley a bath and I took a shower. It was at that time when I noticed the greenish-purple marks up and down both of his arms, where Mei Hwa and Shu Mei’s mother had grabbed him. I became angry. Not only had they disrespected me as his father, believing in some way that they could care for him better than I could, but they had injured him in the process of doing that. It donned on me why Tyley seems to have a new mark on his body every day, when I return home from work. He isn’t accident prone, he’s unsupervised. I understand a little boy getting banged up and bruised every so often, but when it happens because nobody is watching him or happens at the hands of people who are supposed to be his loving family, that is wrong.

I know Mei Hwa and Shu Mei’s mother meant him no harm. It was an accident, but I’m 100 percent certain they’ll never apologize for it. That would mean they would lose face and people in this culture just don’t do that. Vain pride is seen as something great, while humility is seen as a weakness. That is the reason Shu Mei has never once apologized for anything to me. The words “I’m sorry” are foreign to her. Little did I know that every time I said “I’m sorry” to Shu Mei I was coming across as being weaker. I’ve said those words so many times that she must view me as the weakest person in the world.

Anyway, I called Mei Hwa and her mother to the bathroom to show them the bruises. Their attitudes were what made me really angry. They just smiled and said, “Mei guanshi”, which means “No problem.” It is the most commonly used phrase in Chinese and is used for literally everything. I’m pretty certain when a murderer kills someone that is what s/he says to the police when captured. To me, it was a problem, though. And no amount of trying to understand a different culture can make me understand how it is okay to hurt a child, whether accidentally or otherwise. Obviously, if the situation took place in America and Shu Mei was in my place, I have no doubt that my sister and mother would do everything they could to apologize to her for the mishap. There would be no uncaring, smiling, “no problem” response. That is the culture I understand and one I am proud of. It isn’t a perfect culture, and freely admits it has problems (without the stigma of admitting problems being a sign of weakness), but it is the best one there is.

In my anger, I told Mei Hwa that neither she nor her mother are to take care of Tyley or Billy again, until I feel they respect me as their father and am assured that they can actually take care of them. It is Shu Mei’s often-used practice to drop the boys off at Mei Hwa’s or her mother’s, though. And I knew, even as I said those words, that Shu Mei would not support me on this. She hasn’t supported me on anything else to do with the family, why would she start now? In fact, when I later asked Shu Mei if her family here was more important than her sons, she replied “Of course” and told me, once again, that she wanted a divorce and I should take both of the boys.

After I got no satisfaction from Mei Hwa and Shu Mei’s mother, I went outside and asked everyone to go home. Normally, family get-togethers drag on here for hours upon end. I just didn’t want that ill feeling being around any longer and knew already that Shu Mei was in divorce mode again. So, I asked everyone to leave. I went into the kitchen and tried to talk to Shu Mei, but her mother was yelling at the top of her lungs. Please understand that, though it looks and sounds like people are mad here when they are yelling, they usually aren’t. I imagine Shu Mei’s mother was just trying to say something uplifting to Shu Mei, in a very loud way. The problem I had with that was she wouldn’t let me get in a word edgewise, so I upped my volume level, too. I smiled, and yelled, “Hey! I can yell, too. You wanna hear me yell!?” Then, I really yelled loudly, “HOW’S THIS!?” All the time, I smiled. I think she got the hint, and quit talking so I could speak to Shu Mei. But, Shu Mei had already turned a deaf ear to anything I was trying to say. Instead of support me as a loving wife would, she saw the whole escapade as an assault on her family. It merely gave her more justification to push us further apart.

I tried to speak to her later, after everyone else left, but she said it was pointless. She wanted a divorce and that was it. She said that if I pursued talking to her farther, she would just leave. She also said she was going to change the airplane tickets as soon as possible, so that Billy, Tyley, and I could leave here and never come back. She said, “I just want you out of MY house.”

Needless to say, I got little sleep last night. Within minutes, I could hear Shu Mei snoring from inside the boys’ room, while Billy and Tyley slept in my bedroom. I knelt down beside my bed and prayed. I don’t know how long I prayed, but it was more than a few hours and was the longest prayer I’ve said in a long time. After my prayer, I did a lot of self-reflecting for a couple of more hours and then said another prayer before I finally fell asleep. I don’t know what the future will have in store, but I am thankful that I have Billy and Tyley with me. They are the one shining light of my life. If Shu Mei would agree to counseling, we really could have a successful relationship. We both have problems. We both need to quit acting like ostriches, sticking our heads in the ground, and deal with the problems. A family therapist could help us immensely. The problem is that Shu Mei is a traditional Chinese woman and they don’t believe in psycho-therapy. To them, it is hocus pocus and leads to losing face, a big taboo in this culture.