It seems that the only time I write in this weblog is when I’m feeling down.  Such is the case now as I make this holiday entry.  I am not feeling any Christmas cheer, not even in the slightest.  In fact, I cannot remember a worse Christmas than this one.  That isn’t to say that terribly horrible things are happening, because they aren’t.  What it does mean, though, is that this is the first Christmas I’ve had that was downright disheartening.  I could look on the positive side and be thankful for every other Christmas in the past being a thorough joy, but I cannot bring myself to think outside of the here and now.

This must be the holiday blues that so many people feel.  It all just hit me like a rush today, Christmas Eve.  I have been avoiding the fact that I am in a loveless marriage, have a really bad job, have parents who are the opposite of supportive, and live thousands of miles away from my home country with absolutely no friends.  Now, this is all in addition to the most upsetting thing in my life – my estrangement from my first son, Cameron.  That reality weighs upon me daily, but having all the other turmoil come to surface with it just sinks my spirits into an absolute despair.

One would think that my wife would offer some sort of encouragement and/or comfort.  However, “one” would not know my wife, if that were the thinking.  Shu Mei has always marched to the beat of a different drummer, her own drummer with her own beat.  It is difficult enough to try and understand Shu Mei because she is a woman, but what makes it even more of an impossible task is that she comes from a different culture.  I have often thought that Chinese people aren’t just from a different race, but are actually from a different species than those of us raised in the West.  I cannot help but think that their brains must somehow be wired differently.  There seems to be no rhyme or reason why they do some things.

I’d like to explain myself, but I just can’t muster up the energy to do so.  I’m so far in the dumps that it wouldn’t even help me let off some steam, which was the original goal of writing this post.  I just realized that thinking about and writing about these things is actually having a negative effect on my psyche, instead of the sought-after positive effect.  I feel so very alone right now.  Shu Mei took the boys out to eat without me, but that’s not really why I feel alone.  I feel alone because I am honestly just that, alone.  I don’t feel like anyone is in my court right now, nor have they been for a very long time.

I’m going to go lie down now and try to sleep some of this away.  Hopefully, I’ll never wake up.  What I meant by stating that wasn’t that I want to die, but that I just want to cease existing.  It might sound like the same thing, but it really isn’t – in my mind, at least.  I believe in a life-after-death, so wanting to leave this life for another life makes no sense to me.  Problems will invariably follow me wherever I go.  However, if I could just make it so I don’t exist, in either place, I most certainly would.

I believe that Our Heavenly Father is all-powerful.  If He chooses, he could make me so that I don’t exist.  I would pray for that to happen, but I doubt he’d grant it.  I’ve not done anything to merit receiving that special blessing.  In fact, suffering seems to be an integral part of my existence and doesn’t look like it will be going away any time soon.

In the precious few seconds between deep slumber and the awakening consciousness that comes when one emerges from naptime lies a peaceful solitude.  It is at that time when one feels the warm emotions of a world where things are the way they ought to be.  Inevitably, that joyous slice of heaven is erased by stark reality as soon as complete consciousness takes over, a reminder that the world is as imperfect as ever.  Such was the case when I woke up from an afternoon nap this fine Saturday afternoon.

As I emerged from the veil that shrouded my unconscious thoughts during deep sleep, my mind settled momentarily upon a hazy vision where all was well and problems of the past were no more.  I basked in the warm serenity of that mental picture as long as I was allowed to, before complete consciousness took over.  For a fleeting moment, I felt that a truce had been called between all the past conflicting manners in my life.

My thoughts touched upon harmonious situations.  I envisioned speaking with my ex-wife, Tara, about the fact that I’m not such a bad person, as she portrays me to be, and she believed me.  I then reasoned with my current wife, Shu Mei, that yelling and physically punishing our sons is not beneficial to their future progression and she believed me.  After that, I met with my sons.  Cameron and I had a brief encounter in which he really understood that I loved and cared about him, and we both mourned for the time lost in which we had not relationship, but vowed to remain close forever more.  Finally, I spoke with Billy and Tyley together, for they are the closest of brothers, and they understood that everything I say to them comes from love, with my only desire being for them to be happy.

By design, all of those fictitious encounters happened almost instantaneously, for I knew that it would all be over in a flash.  Sure enough, as soon as I had reached an accord with my second and third son, the sound of Shu Mei broke through the haze.  She was yelling at Billy and Tyley to pick up their toys.  She threatened them with a spanking if they didn’t.  I tried to return to the utopia I’d just experienced, but the piercing tones of Chinese cut through the air like a knife.  She Mei was shrieking at the boys in her native tongue, which is something she reserves for the worst of her verbal assaults, as she feels it hides her juvenile behavior when dealing with the boys during times of stress.

Unable to return to the peace I had briefly experienced in a mental world that didn’t exist, I tried to pull it into the world that did.  I got up and left the bedroom and headed to the computer room, where Shu Mei was sitting, surfing the internet.  I tried to enter into a discussion with her about Cameron, petitioning her as to why she thought it was Tara had brainwashed him into believing I was a terrible person all these years.  Ever the one to not let an opportunity for degradation go by without a comment, Shu Mei said, “It must have been something you did.”  I’ve learned to let these kinds of frequent comments go, like water off a duck’s back.  Instead of protesting that supposition, I tried to change the subject to Billy and Tyley, and my feelings as to how they should be handled with positive reinforcement, rather than negative lambasting.

No more had the mention of this left my mouth than Shu Mei got up and left the room, me in mid-sentence.  She knew what the subject matter I was trying to raise would be and she wanted no part of it.  I had tried to discuss this matter with her many times before, and she has stubbornly refused to listen.  I guess that Shu Mei has always had difficulty with being compliant and humble.  Her stubborn and selfish nature is a definite blockage to her progression.  Luckily, she excels in other areas, which balances out those two character flaws to the point where they are often unnoticeable.  Sometimes, like this particular time, there is no denying them, though.

With reality swinging into motion, I went about the rest of my day.  Although I yearned for things to be as they were in those precious moments, common sense told me that they never would be.  It takes a great deal of effort to unravel the misconceptions that permeate through the minds of people one encounters.  Even then, there has to be willingness on the part of those people for any progress to be made.  Therein lies the great stumbling block, one that is certainly a permanent fixture of the real world.

My ex-wife emailed me today.  I can’t remember the last time I’d heard from her.  The message was a mere seven words long:

Please take my picture off your website.

I replied with the following message:

Tara,

Wow, I didn’t even know you were still alive! Which picture are you referring to? The truth is that the tiny bit of information that I’ve found out about Cameron… You remember him, right? He’s the boy that could have had a close relationship to his father (i.e., me), had he not been brainwashed by his mother (i.e., you) into believing that his father (i.e., me) is some horrific ogre-like demon. …Anyway, the tiny bit of information that I’ve found out about him over the years came from outside sources that happened upon my website, not in any way, shape, or form from you. So, please understand me when I am a tad bit sensitive about taking anything off my website. Enough said, because I’m trying to be civil. Maybe in another sixteen years I’ll have evolved into actually being able to be cordial with you, but I doubt it. These wounds don’t heal easily.

Regards,
BB