In my first marriage, I was a terrible husband. I have stated that in numerous entries. I have carried around a lot of guilt for how I mishandled myself back then. I should have acted more maturely, but I didn’t. Luckily, I learned from my mistakes in the past and have tried my best to make each relationship after that time as successful as I could. Certainly, there were mistakes I made in all of them, but nothing huge. I worked diligently to make each relationship successful. However, for one reason or another, each one ended in a breakup. Now, I am on the verge of yet another, apparently. My wife told me today, three days before I leave for America, that she won’t go to counseling with me.

She said it out of spite, because I had made the accusation to her that she never does anything I want to do. We spoke via Skype and she began talking about yet another job posting that she thought I should apply for. The job is in Taipei and it is for someone to proofread a technical manual that had been translated from English to Portuguese. For some reason, possibly because I learned Portuguese as a missionary in Brazil, Shu Mei thought I would be qualified for the job. I tried to explain to her that I haven’t spoken that language in over 23 years, and even then I had a limited vocabulary. I certainly wasn’t knowledgeable enough to correct Portuguese grammar in a technical manual, and I’m even less so now. Unfortunately, when Shu Mei gets something in her mind there is no backing down for her. She tried to make me feel bad, by saying that I was just too scared to apply for the job. She has sent me job postings in the past, ones that I was also completely unqualified for, and she feels that I am just not trying hard enough to upgrade myself in my financial status.

I tried yet again to explain to her that I was not qualified for the job, so I feel it would be a waste of time to even apply for it. I tried to make an analogy that she would understand. I asked her if she could correct an English manual of the same nature. She said that her English wasn’t good enough to do that. I said, “Well, my Portuguese is even worse than your English.” It didn’t work. She missed the point completely and continued to try and make me feel like I wasn’t trying hard enough to get a better job. For Shu Mei, the only way for me to get more money is to get a better job. My plan, to make a computer-based English training program and market it throughout Asia, is completely crazy to her. She has it in her mind that the best thing for me to do is get a better job, probably one in Taipei. First and foremost, that isn’t the plan I have. Second, it would put me away from my sons for five (5) days at a time. Third, I really don’t want to work for another big corporation, like the one I was with when I worked for the airlines. I enjoy having the freedom to conduct my job tasks as I see fit. I don’t aspire to having another corporate job where I have managers over me that monitor everything I do, managers that have less knowledge about my job I do.

Because she got so frustrated, Shu Mei ended up hanging up on me. It was just after I got frustrated that she wasn’t respecting my position. I said to her, “I just don’t want to do this. I don’t have to do it just because you want me to. I mean, I have done almost everything that you’ve wanted me to do, but you have done nothing that I want you to do. So, don’t feel bad because I am not going to apply for that job. Just compare what I have done for you with what you have done for me.” She said, “I have done nothing for you!? Fine, I’m not going to counseling then.” I replied, “Well, I hope that you’re not going to counseling because I want you to go. I hope you’re doing it because you feel it is the right thing to do for us. I mean, I want you to go because you want to go, not because I want you to go.” Then, she disconnected.

This is the third time she has prematurely disconnected a conversation we have had on Skype, since she’s been in America. She gets frustrated every time I disagree with her. Luckily for her, it is rare that I disagree. I know she will get frustrated, so I choose to just go along with whatever she wants, most of the time, to avoid problems. I call this “throwing myself into the relationship”. There is very little I wouldn’t do to make my marriage work. I do not want another divorce. I do not want Billy and Tyley to have to go through what Cameron did. It is to that end that I am doing everything I possibly can to make my marriage successful. But, that doesn’t include being on a leash for Shu Mei to lead me around wherever she chooses. To me, that is not a marriage.

Communication is vital for our relationship to be successful. Sadly, Shu Mei is not a good communicator. That concerns me, as I don’t know how we’ll ever work through our problems unless I know what she is feeling. She projects herself on me by saying that I am not communicating with her, but that is extremely laughable. Just to prove that to you, the reader, I tallied up the email messages Shu Mei has sent me since she’s been in America and compared them to the email messages I have sent her during the same time frame. The differences are staggering.

First of all, Shu Mei has sent me a total of only ten (10) messages, five (5) of which were just links to job postings. On the other hand, I have sent her a total of twenty-seven (27) messages. I must admit that two of those were also just links to random job postings. I did that as an attempt to show her that she was as qualified for those random job postings as I was for the ones she was sending me, not in the least qualified. Now, that’s a five-to-one difference. However, when I actually ran our messages through a word count application, the difference was enormous! Shu Mei’s messages had a word count total of just one hundred and thirty five (135) words. Mine had a grand total of a whopping eight thousand three hundred and ninety-nine (8,399) words! Now, who is communicating and who is not? Once again, there is “the pudding”.

I don’t know what will happen when I get to America, if Shu Mei will actually end up going to counseling with me. But, I hope that if she does, she does it to try and make our marriage work out. I am tired of her making a bad situation worse. When we have these disagreements, they don’t need to be end-all happenings. I mean, people disagree. It’s normal. Shu Mei cannot understand that concept, though. To her, there should be no disagreements in our marriage. And that, my dear reader, simply isn’t possible. Well, it isn’t possible and have a successful marriage. The two just don’t go hand-in-hand, slavery and love. I’ll just hope for the best and see what happens.

Recently, I came across the myspace.com page of my son, Cameron. I forgot that I had set up a page there as well. (I had done so at the request of a friend, Rose Ravasco.) After signing in, I sent Cameron a message telling him that I will be in America this summer and would love to see him. I followed it up several days later, giving him my parents’ address and phone number, because that is where I’ll be staying. It is within close proximity of where he is, or at least where he was the last time I communicated with him. Unfortunately, Cameron never replied to either of those messages.

Finally, last week I sent another message to him. In that message, I said that I didn’t understand why he hadn’t replied. Myspace.com posts when a user last logged on and he had clearly logged on after my messages were sent. So, he had to have read them. I told him that if he didn’t want to see me, for some unknown reason, he could at least see his grandparents. My mom and dad won’t be around forever and they have also missed Cameron’s presence all these years. Just because he may not want to see me doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to see them. After all, they’re his grandparents.

In addition, my wife and sons are there now. I related to Cameron that I had often spoken about him to Billy (4) and Tyley (2). At the last visitation I had with Cameron, which was a very short one (per his mother’s mandate), Billy met him. However, that was three years ago and Billy doesn’t remember much about his older brother. Tyley wasn’t even born yet, so he has never seen his brother, Cameron. Now, I figure that Cameron would certainly want to see his two brothers. I remember that he was close to his sister, Amber. That’s mainly because he grew up with her and had to help take care of her. However, that doesn’t make Billy and Tyley any less of his siblings than her. They share one of his parents, just as Amber does. Fate just had them raised in a different household, that’s all. I’m certain that Cameron would instantly fall in love with Billy and Tyley, as they’re very good boys, all three of them.

Having not heard anything back from Cameron, I checked his myspace.com page again to see when he last logged on. To my surprise, the page was closed. It said that it was either removed per the user’s request or because of a violation, with no further details provided. Of course, I got worried again, similar to how I did when I learned Cameron’s mother had disconnected their phone number and canceled her yahoo.com email account. At that time, I had absolutely no way of contacting Cameron, except through those two links. When she closed them down, Cameron’s mother left me with no way to reach him. I’m nearly there again, with nothing left but an email address, one which he doesn’t reply to. Actually, I’m not even certain if he read the messages I sent there. This was before I discovered his myspace.com page, which is dead now, as I stated before, and is a moot point. Oh, this is so frustrating!

Before Cameron’s page went down, I read some public comments he had exchanged with a girl on myspace.com. She goes by the name Ashley there and is Cameron’s real-life girlfriend. I thought, good for him! Love is such a wonderful thing. I hope it works out for the two of them. Anyway, after Cameron’s page went down, I contemplated contacting this Ashley.

I pondered the pros and cons of sending such a message. It was the only way I could try and reach him and I felt I should take the risk. So, I wrote Ashley a message, leaving all the aforementioned info with her, too. I told her that I would never write to her again, unless she invited me to do so. I respect Cameron’s wishes. He’s an adult now and if he doesn’t want to communicate with me, that’s his decision. And, if he doesn’t want to see his aging grandparents or his sweet younger brothers, he will have to live with that decision. I’m sure he won’t regret it, because when you don’t know the happiness that comes from having a relationship with your grandparents or brothers, like Cameron hasn’t known, you won’t feel bad by rejecting that opportunity when it arises. It’s like if I never ate Mango ice cream (my favorite!), I wouldn’t miss it. However, I also would never know the sweet taste of that heavenly ice cream flavor. Yummy!

Last, but not least, I will not attempt to contact Cameron when I’m in Utah. He has had plenty of forewarning that I will be there, coupled with several invitations to spend some time with me. There is nothing I’d rather do in America than see my son, Cameron, but I will respect his wishes and not “bug” him. The ball is in his court. In fact, he still has a few days left to see my parents and his brothers, before I get there. I am due there on the 28th of this month. I’d love to see him, most definitely, but I also think it is important for him to see my parents and sons. I fear he won’t make the effort to do either. Sad, but that’s up to him. The ball is in his court.

It is a rare occasion that I recommend a website. In fact, I cannot recall ever doing it. However, I came across one today that I think everyone should visit. It is called Ladies Against Feminism and has some of the best links to articles about families, womanhood, fatherhood, and society in general.

I have two reservations about the site, though. I think it goes a bit overboard with the Christian references, for the advice presented is pertinent for people of all beliefs. Also, I think the old-fashioned graphics take away from the timeless precepts presented in the material (i.e., they give a sense that the material is passé, but it really isn’t).

Give it a look and you may just find yourself spending hours reading the articles there, like I did. We really do live in a messed-up world and that site provides good solid solutions for making things right.