Last week, I made reference to a voicemail that Alec Baldwin left his daughter when she didn’t answer her cell phone at a prearranged time. I drew some parallels between his situation and my own with my ex-wife and son from that marriage. However, I made it clear that I have never degraded my son Cameron as Mr. Baldwin did in that message, verbally or otherwise.

There was no justification for what Alec Baldwin said to his daughter. The reason he gave was that his tumultuous custody battle with his ex-wife led him to do it. Though that is his reasoning, it isn’t a justification, and I don’t believe he intended it to be such. In fact, he profusely apologized on several talk shows for his remarks toward his daughter.

In addition, he announced that he was dropping out of some major projects he is involved with and dedicating his efforts to writing a book about “parental alienation.” That is a topic very close to me and I will definitely be getting a copy of that book.

It is tragic, the turmoil that Alec Baldwin has been through. Some people in the media seem to be focusing on the voicemail message while overlooking the brunt of the problem, his ex-wife’s continual efforts to keep his daughter from him. She, Kim Basinger, seems to be following the same pattern as my ex-wife did. From what I have read, Alec Baldwin has been a great parent, until that unfortunate voicemail, while his ex-wife has denied him visitation repeatedly.

In fact, Kim Basinger’s own mother has publicly condemned her behavior. Ann Basinger the grandmother of the daughter, Ireland, calls Baldwin a “wonderful” parent and says:

“My heart is sad for Ireland. She’s the one that’s suffering the most. All this is killing her. I think Kim has tried to alienate Ireland from her father. Alec loves his daughter with all his heart. He really is a family man… I hate what [Kim] is doing.”

My ex-wife, Tara, provoked me during our marriage, to the point that I became a terrible husband to her. She pulled no punches there, seeking to find my boiling point at whatever cost. Tara continued to egg me on after the divorce, through literally holding our son, Cameron, hostage until I paid her extra money, above and beyond that which I was paying for child support. Time and time again, she played me like a fiddle, saying she would have Cameron ready at a certain time and place and then not following through with that agreement.

I took Tara to court over these matters, not to the extent that Alec Baldwin has with his ex-wife, but to the extent that I could afford. Believe me, lawyers and court costs are not cheap! For a time, every extra penny I had was spent on fighting Tara in the courts in order to see my son. I didn’t even have a place of my own during that time, staying with family, friends, and coworkers. I slept on many cold floors throughout that period, thinking about nothing but seeing my son, Cameron.

I wonder how many times Tara left Cameron with friends, instead of calling me so I could take care of him. I wonder how many times Cameron was ill or in pain and could have used his father to comfort him. I wonder how many times he thought about me and wondered if I was really the terrible ogre his mother made me out to be. I wonder if he yearned to know the truth about me, and if he ever found himself doubting his mother.

I tried to placate Tara through her wild imaginative outbursts against me. On several occasions, I gave into her requests for extra money and gave it to her. It worked a few times, as I was able to see Cameron, albeit just for a day or two, but Tara made sure it didn’t last. I went through long droughts of not being able to see him. It began as weeks, then turned to months, then turned to years. Sadly, I haven’t seen my son in almost four years now. I hope to see him this summer, when I go to the US, but I’m not holding my breath for that to happen. Even though he is now eighteen years old, I’m certain he still feels the influence of his mother from all those years where she was, seemingly, the only one by his side.

I remember in one court appearance, Tara tried to employ the same tactic as Kim Basinger, a common tactic used by alienating mothers. This was around the time that Cameron was six years old and I had just moved to Arizona. Cameron was spending a few days with me, on one of his rare visitation trips. Tara said that she spoke to him on the phone and he cried, “Please Mommy! Please come get me. Daddy is beating me!” Luckily, the judge was not a moron and didn’t fall for her shenanigans. That was her pattern in court, to accuse me of being an abusive father, trying to get my already-limited role in Cameron’s life reduced. She even refused to call me his father, choosing to call me “the sperm donor” instead.

John Stossel, in his new book Myths, Lies, and Downright Stupidity: Get Out the Shovel–Why Everything You Know is Wrong, describes an example of parental alienation he filmed for his TV show:

“We videotaped one such heartbreaking scene. A divorced father went to see his five kids for what he thought would be a full-day visit. He was entitled to that, under court order, and the court also ordered the mother not to discourage the children from spending time with their father. But she clearly had poisoned his children’s minds against him. The father just stood outside his ex-wife’s house and begged his children, ‘Would you like to go out with me today?’ ‘No,’ said one kid after another. Then the mother ordered the kids back into her house. What comes through on the tape is the unbridled satisfaction of the mother and the helplessness of the father.”

I can entirely relate to that. “Helplessness” is what I felt then, concerning my relationship with Cameron and it still continues to be my predominant feeling. I think of him several times daily, wondering where he is, what he is doing, and hoping he is happy. I wish things had been different, but circumstances prohibited them from being so. I will always love Cameron and pray for his continual success.

No, the title of this entry isn’t about Taiwan’s air quality, though it could be as there have literally been only two days this entire year that I’ve seen a blue sky, believe it or not. No, this entry is about my current state of emotions.

My mood today got about as low as it has in a long time. I lingered on the brink of going into a state of depression. I have not been diligent about updating this weblog, so it may come as a surprise to a reader of this entry that I am of such low spirits. I mean well, but when I go to write something here I think about the idiom “If you can’t say anything positive, don’t say anything at all.” So, I don’t say anything. I just silently endure the dread of another day in the life of BB Iverson.

The truth is that very little in my life is enjoyable. In fact, aside from the time spent with my sons and a few personal achievements I have as a teacher, nothing brings me any happiness. I try not to reflect upon all the misery in my life, clinging to those two things that I hold dear, but it is often unavoidable, as it was today. I found myself sinking into a deep despair today. Luckily, it is a Sunday so I didn’t miss any work. To date, I have never missed work for any kind of illness, let alone a mental one like this.

It really doesn’t take much to pull me out of the despair, just a few words of encouragement here and there. However, those words don’t come. I tried to contact my parents via Skype this morning. Normally, they are online Sunday mornings, as they like to video chat with Billy and Tyley. But, they weren’t online today. Shu Mei was in her normal non-communicative state, so there was no positive energy garnered there. (There never has been.) Billy and Tyley played with me a few minutes before going to church (I didn’t feel well enough to go), but then I was left alone. I fell asleep, brooding over my life problems, and woke up four hours later to the doorbell ringing.

I opened the window and saw that it was my Church Ward’s second counselor to the Bishop. He was there with his wife and son. He told me that he was looking for Shu Mei. I said that she wasn’t home and asked if they saw her at Church. They said that they didn’t. I felt that odd and gave him her mother’s number to call, thinking she might be there. He called, but was told that she wasn’t there. Then, I gave him her cell phone number. He called it and I heard it ring inside the kitchen. (Frequently, Shu Mei forgets to take it with her.) Then, they left, saying they would call later.

About thirty minutes later, Shu Mei and the boys came home. I asked her how Church was and she said, “Okay”. I told her that the second counselor had visited with his family. Shu Mei said, “I forgot.” I thought that was a rather strange response and asked her what she forgot. She walked away to the kitchen. Billy then told me that the second counselor was coming over to fix the computer, because Billy couldn’t play a game on it. I figured that was not the case, just an imaginative statement by Billy because he was probably thinking about computer games. When Shu Mei came back into the room, she was talking on the cordless phone. I knew I’d never get anything more from her for a few hours, as that is the normal time she spends talking to a friend on the phone.

I don’t know if I have ever shared this in an entry, so I’m going to now. Shu Mei normally speaks less than ten words to me in an entire day, but can speak for hours on end to her friends on the telephone. I am 100 percent certain that she hates me, and the feeling is pretty close to mutual. However, I am also 100 percent certain that she has given up hope that anything will ever be different, whereas I haven’t. I don’t enjoy this loveless marriage. Who would? It is a major drag on my emotional state and an impassable obstacle toward true happiness. I can’t understand how Shu Mei finds it tolerable, but she does. In fact, she seems to enjoy going out of her way to create even more problems between us on a daily basis. While I am trying to draw us together, she continually seeks to push us apart. She knows my feelings, for I have stated them on numerous occasions. I haven’t a clue what hers are, though, except that her actions lend me to believe she wants us to be as distant as any two people could be.

I bring this all up because I fear I am losing my mind. Not only did I fall into a depressing slumber this morning for four hours, but I did it again later in the afternoon, for another two hours. Shu Mei came and went without a word as to her whereabouts, which is her normal way. Literally, I could have died today and she wouldn’t have found out about it until this evening, when she returned from one of her mysterious trips. I suspect if that were to have occurred, she would have a party. I’m certain that she believes I am her pet peeve, just as my first wife did. It seems to be the story of my life.

I mentioned my parents before, and how I tried to contact them. I must say that I do this out of desperation, for they don’t really help me in these times of need. They are doing as they did initially with my ex-wife, writing off my feelings and emotions as if they are meaningless. With time, they discovered that my ex-wife was not as angelic as they had believed her to be. But, it doesn’t stop them from doing the same thing again with Shu Mei. In their eyes, I am the one with all the problems. They just don’t want to hear about Shu Mei’s problems. They are great parents, but they have a lot left to be desired in the supportive department. I strive to not repeat that misgiving with my own children.

Now that I have seemingly alienated everyone around me (though, they were the instigators of the separation), I have to admit that I’m very proud of myself for surviving all of this emotional abuse. I don’t know what it is that keeps me going, but I’m certainly grateful to Our Heavenly Father for giving it to me. I understand that there are many who have far worse problems than I do, as far as physical things go. But now I understand how money cannot bring happiness – even though I don’t even have money! Hehe! I can see now how wealthy people could have a lot of problems, if their lives are joyless and they are surrounded by people who don’t inspire them to greatness.

That last statement seemed to be heading in a direction I do not wish to go. I don’t want to blame anyone for my problems except myself. So, I won’t. In the end, it is I who has to live with myself and I can’t hold anyone or anything else accountable for who I am. God has seen fit to allow me to go through these tests for a reason, I believe. And I must try to do it as well as I can. Each day, I pray several times for His guidance. For as long as I can remember, I have asked Our Father to help me find motivation to do the things that I am capable of, to make my life as good as it can be. So far, I haven’t found that motivation, but I haven’t lost hope.

I would feel remiss if I didn’t bring up the anxiety I am feeling about two things that are coming up. The first one is a teaching demonstration that I must give in two weeks at the school where I work. It is for the whole English department and I am confused as to what I should do. My normal lesson teaching is far from… well, normal. So, I can’t do that. I need to find something else to do.

The other thing I feel anxiety about is the trip to the US that Shu Mei, the two boys, and later I, will take. Shu Mei and the boys are going first and will be there for two months before I join them. Those two months will be sheer hell for me as I don’t even like to be away from Billy and Tyley during the day when I am at work. Then, the month I am there will be no heaven, as I will see friends and family members who came from the same background as I did, but went on to become far more successful than I have. What a joy that will be – NOT!

Again, nobody cares about my feelings regarding this. Shu Mei just wants to pursue some enterprising endeavor in the US, which I am not privy to. And my parents just wish to see their two grandchildren again, without having to come here to Taiwan. I am continually expected to make sacrifices and seem to get nothing in return for it. Rewards in heaven? I don’t think so, given my negative attitude toward this life.

Last year, I began watching many American TV shows that were contained in BitTorrent files that I downloaded from the internet. This was the only way I could see the shows that I had missed since moving to Taiwan. Some of the shows I enjoy, while others I felt were not very entertaining. My favorites turned out to be Battlestar Galactica, The Amazing Race, and The Apprentice (in that order). I downloaded and watched every episode of every season for those three series. In addition to that, I saw many of the episodes for Rock Star: Supernova and American Idol. American Idol was more popular last year than Rock Star: Supernova, but I felt the latter program had much-better singers competing.

Currently, I am still downloading and watching The Amazing Race and American Idol. Rock Star: Supernova came to a finale last year and the other series are between seasons. Battlestar Galactica, the best series I have ever seen on television, isn’t due to begin their new season until January of next year, while the others will probably begin this fall. I lost a lot of interest in The Apprentice, though, so I’ll probably not watch it, if it comes back on the air in the fall.

Another series I have been watching is Pussycat Dolls Presents: The Search for the Next Doll, but I’m not a real fan of the show. As a reality show goes, it doesn’t have a lot to be interested in. It is basically on par with America’s Next Model and American Inventor, two other shows I have seen a lot of. I am a fan of The Pussycat Dolls, though. So, I’m mildly interested in learning who will be the next member of the group. For that reason alone, I will continue to watch it to the end. Luckily, I don’t have to wait long as the next episode will be the finale.

My interest has also waned for American Idol lately. This year there was a situation with the series that sparked my interest temporarily. A bad singer, named Sanjaya Malakar made it to the final 7 contestants. It was interesting to watch as better singers got booted off the show each week, because they had fewer votes than Sanjaya. What takes place is a nationwide call-in vote is conducted two hours after the performance show each week. The contestant with the least votes is let go on the weekly results show. Surprisingly, Sanjaya wasn’t the one to go until only six other contestants remained.

The phenomenon that a poor singer could last on the popular nationwide TV show is due in part to two outside forces. First and foremost, Howard Stern thought it would be a great goof on the show to encourage the listeners of his daily satellite radio show to vote for Sanjaya. He got the idea from the second outside force, votefortheworst.com. The website was dedicated to encouraging people to vote for the worst American Idol contestant, which was Sanjaya Malakar in this case. The efforts of the two reeked havoc with the American Idol show. One of the judges on the show, Simon Cowell, threatened to quit the show if Sanjaya ended up winning. Sanjaya didn’t, however, so Simon will remain as a judge. That’s a good thing, as the other two judges don’t have the ability to criticize contestants. Without Simon, there would be no real talent show.