The stress over this situation with Cameron has really gotten to me. I just wish things had been different between us. I can’t help but blame his mother for putting that great divide between us. She has been nothing but evil. She obviously doesn’t care about Cameron, for what loving mother would deny her son from seeing his father? And she has done it for so many years and literally stressed the hell out of me because of it. Yes, I was a bad husband to her, but what she has done after our marriage is far worst than anything I did during it. I don’t apologize for talking badly about her, because there’s nothing good I can say about her. It has really weighed heavily on my shoulders, what with the fact that I cannot communicate with my own son for all this time.
I’m simply disillusioned with this whole life. Potential doesn’t mean diddley-squat. We either do something worthwhile, or not. And, I haven’t done anything worthwhile. For as long as I can remember, I have prayed for a way to become motivated, either as a SHAZAM! God-given gift or through a hard and long drawn-out quest. Either way would be fine with me. To date, nothing has transpired. I am still the same unmotivated, half-completed project-doer I have always been.
I can’t help by feeling victimized from the get-go. What do I have to be grateful for? Beyond Billy and Tyley, there’s nothing in my life worth living for. I merely survive so that I can help them in their lives. But, I can’t even muster up the energy to do that in the best way possible. I’m a complete and utter failure, through and through.
The evidence of my unworthiness is in what I have around me. I live in a concrete dump, with a lifestyle akin to the worst backwoods hillbilly clansman of Louisiana. I am married to an extremely manlike woman, who cares more about pursuing her financial desires than fulfilling her roles as a wife and mother. I have a dead-end job, where my efforts at teaching under-achieving teenagers are no more sensible than beating my head against a wall. As you can tell, I’m having a REALLY bad day!
I was searching on Myspace for information about Cameron. I came across my ex-wife’s page and some messages she left for a user there that give an indication as to her present character (or lack thereof, rather). Unedited, for your reading enjoyment:
To “Ronnie” (a 26 year old male in Stockholm, Sweden)
March 9, 2007
Somebodies about to have a birthday! /spankMarch 2, 2007
Larger eh? /evilgrin ……… oh sorry was distracted. Um does that mean more people are on the server?February 28, 2007
Tell me about Vanguard [an online video game]. Special edition is $103 and I’d have to upgrade my computer. Is it worth it?February 22, 2007
Just working and working and working. But in June I get to start learning how to fly airplanes. How about you?February 17, 2007
Sooo, I got rid of the guy that wanted to take me to Ireland. Valentines dinner with somebody you don’t love kinda pushes it over the edge and I got rude. If I win the lottery I’ll come see you. Otherwise you’ll just have to get your butt to the U.S.A. Hope all is going great!January 24, 2007
Strange you should ask. Was actually kicking around the idea of coming to Ireland in April with a guy….but I need to check on getting a passport. If you’re there will you kick it up with me in a pub?January 21, 2007
I AM NOT MORMON!!!!January 16, 2007
Oh wow, I really missed you!
/wookieehug!
I can begin to see why some lady was harassing her. It was probably someone like her that was enamored with a guy online and got jealous that Tara was crowding in on her territory. Hehe! It may sound bad, but I feel a lot better about myself after reading those messages.
The people below aren’t necessarily who I think are the best at their craft. They are just the people who can get me to buy a movie ticket simply because they are appearing in the movie.
My favorite actors:
1. Robert Duvall
2. Al Pacino
3. Robert DeNiro
4. Johnny Depp
5. Sean Penn
6. Kevin Spacey
7. Jack Nicholson
8. Gene Hackman
9. Tim Robbins
10. Nicolas Cage
11. Val Kilmore
12. Billy Bob Thornton
13. Robert Downey Jr.
14. Alec Baldwin
15. John Cusack
16. John Malkovich
17. Brad Pitt
18. Jamie Foxx
19. Clint Eastwood
20. Kevin Costner
My favorite actresses:
1. Nicole Kidman
2. Meryl Streep
3. Rachel McAdams
4. Annette Bening
5. Renee Zellweger
6. Cameron Diaz
7. Jennifer Garner