The remark made by my ex-wife, Tara, to my niece last week revealed the current sentiments my son, Cameron, has for me, or lack thereof rather. She told my niece, Ericka, that he [Cameron] knows how to get in touch with me, if HE wants to. This alleges that Cameron really doesn’t wish to contact me at this time. At 18 years old, he is now considered an adult and should be respected as such. For reasons unknown to me (I can only speculate), he obviously doesn’t want to communicate with me. I find that very difficult to understand; as, if I were in the same boat as he, I would desperately want to have a relationship with my estranged father.

I feel that Cameron missed out on a lot of great experiences he could have had with me. The past neglect that he experienced was the sole culpability of his mother, Tara. She thwarted me at every attempt to contact Cameron. Often times, she denied me visitation until I gave her extra money, above and beyond that which I paid for child support, holding him for ransom as it were. I can think of nothing I could have done differently to have changed all that, except for fighting her in a custody battle. I’m pretty certain I would have won that fight, even though the courts are traditionally sided toward a mother having more ability to raise children than a father. (What a crock of baloney that is!) There were extenuating circumstances that showed Tara was unfit for motherhood at the time. I have already mentioned some of those things in other entries, and will undoubtedly detail even more in subsequent ones, but the reason I didn’t go through with the custody battle was simple. I changed my mind.

Originally, I was appalled that Tara would totally deny me of seeing him. Shortly after she married again, she asked me to give up Cameron for adoption. The idea of doing that was impossible for me to comprehend, as I yearned to be with him every second of every day, especially since she was denying me from doing so. I remembered how Tara would curse when Cameron was a toddler, saying, “I wish you were never born!” He was the most well-behaved child a parent could ever wish for, but she was just too immature to deal with even the slightest difference he showed to her outrageous expectations. She would blow up at him often, releasing a barrage of hateful accusations toward him. He was what I would eventually become, her pet peeve. All her problems she blamed upon him, taking absolutely no responsibility herself. Sadly, that is the antithesis of good parenthood, and chief among my many thoughts regarding the notion of seeking custody of him.

I’m sure she will deny those things ever happened, among numerous other things. However, they did. I don’t care a whit whether anyone believes me or not, it is the truth. I believe that the truth stands independent of what you or I believe. Yes, there are two sides to every story and Tara undoubtedly has hers. More often than not, the truth lies somewhere between the two sides. This time it does not, though.

You see, I have nothing to gain from lying. (Actually, nobody has anything to gain from lying, but that’s a whole other tangent…) I haven’t heard from Cameron in over two years, and that was just a short email message (coming from a long-ago-closed-account) that thanked me for helping pay for his computer. That isn’t to say that I haven’t tried. Oh, the many times I have tried! I’ll get to that in another entry, as that is a whole story in itself. Most people wouldn’t have endured what I did. Most people would have given up way sooner. But, my love, my honest love for Cameron made me try repeatedly to connect with him at any level possible. Now, I don’t expect anything. I hope, but I don’t expect. I feel one should always plan for the worst, but hope for the best. So, I have nothing to gain by trying to deceive. In fact, this whole weblog is pretty much an open-book revelation. How many people would just open up and display themselves, complete with numerous character flaws and all, to the whole world? There are some, but not a lot compared with those who wish to maintain a façade of deceit.

I realize that this entry is going all over the place. That is because I have a lot to say. It is like when I began to pray again, after a long period of not doing so. My prayers were very wordy and went on for nearly an hour at a time. (I know, the scriptures talk of prophets praying ceaselessly for hours on end, but that’s something I have never been able to do.) As the frequency grew, the duration became shorter. Now, I find myself praying almost as I did when I was a missionary, several times in a day for very brief periods. If I could bring myself to update this weblog more frequently, I’m quite certain the same result would take place. The entries would become shorter, more profound, and more focused. I’m just jumping from thought to thought with this one, because of all the things that were left unsaid. There are a great deal many more things that I feel need to be said. I have not provided Cameron with the truth and he deserves it, even though he probably doesn’t want it now.

Someday, when Cameron is older and away from his mother’s apron strings, he may wish to revisit this weblog. Hopefully, I will have documented a true picture of who I am and what transpired throughout his childhood from my perspective by then. That is why I have to make myself stick to categorizing and time stamping these entries to their proper topics and dates. I have only been writing entries in this weblog when I am very compelled to do so. I must get away from that bad habit and start doing this in a more-organized manner. Otherwise, it is a hodgepodge of gibberish with, seemingly, no point whatsoever.

I have stated on more than one occasion that I believe things would have been better in my first marriage, had I known then what I know now. That theory has changed, though. I now believe that it would have also taken a big difference in my ex-wife, Tara, to have had a successful marriage. I couldn’t have avoided a divorce simply by being a good husband. This doesn’t change the fact that I wasn’t a good husband, because I really wasn’t. However, it does lessen the culpability of the breakup a bit from my conscience. It does take two to tango, but it also takes two to un-tango. (I know. That wasn’t very clever.)

I came to this realization after hearing a coworker read his chat log to me from an online typed conversation that he had had with his ex-wife. Shortly into the conversation, it was obvious to me where it was headed. His comments were upbeat and positive, while hers were depressing and negative. She seemed to come out of nowhere with accusations toward him that had nothing to do with the subject matter being discussed. This brought about memories I had with my own ex-wife, and the many parallels there. She, my ex-wife, had a knack for pointing out all the negatives about me. In her mind, I was doomed for failure. This occurred shortly after we were married, due in her mind to my many weaknesses.

What should have taken place, accentuating the positive with words of praise and encouragement, didn’t. Instead, Tara chose to emotionally abuse me with words of a derogatory nature, constantly dwelling on my shortcomings. And when she couldn’t think of anything that I was doing badly, she would make something up. I was very immature in my reaction to her abuse. I lashed back at her with hurtful words, pointing out her many flaws. This is something that I should have never done and I take full responsibility for it. However, had I not done so, had I taken the high road and handled the situation in a calm and collected manner, with a positive demeanor, I am pretty certain things wouldn’t have turned out any different.

You see, some people are just going to believe what they want to believe, no matter how hysterically insane it is. There is nothing we can do or say that will change that. They have to change because they want to. And sometimes, they never want to. I know that – now. It is important for me to remind myself of this constantly. I cannot change those about me, I can only change myself.

To date, Tara has not changed. She still has a chip on her shoulder against me, one that she herself put there from years of making mountains out of molehills. Her latest escapade has shown me this. There was absolutely no reason on her part to get her phone disconnected and her email address closed… because of me! It is ludicrous and it is the same song and dance she has performed from the beginning. I hope that she will see the truth and break out of that shell she has put herself in. I only wish for the best for her, and I certainly hope that someday that truism will be revealed to her.

In times of need, I often turn to prayer and ask Our Heavenly Father for assistance. This time is no different. I sought His wisdom in this matter. It is one of those times in my life where I am confused as to what I should or shouldn’t do. Through prayer, I am comforted with the belief that all will work itself out. The relationship I have wanted with my son, Cameron, will have to wait. There have been things beyond my control for several years now which prohibit it. Hopefully, now that he is reaching a maturity where he takes control over his own life, he will seek out the truth. That is why I must continue saying these things, trying to help him sort out the chaos that his mother has undoubtedly created around him.

It must have been difficult for Cameron, being raised amidst an atmosphere of lies and deceit. That may have been the real reason why his mother kept him from me, not wanting me to help Cameron see her as she really is. The funny thing is, though, that I never said anything derogatory about her when he was around. I don’t look at this as lying to him, so much as trying to bring stability to his life. He was the child of two people who couldn’t stand one another. If that wasn’t hard enough, he was made to choose between these people (by his mother) which one he would trust, even though he loved both of them. It is tragic.

I believed then as I do now, that parents of divorced children should handle themselves with the utmost maturity and act in a sober manner when dealing with their children. It is important that a child spend time with both parents and that the parents only speak kind words about one another in the presence of the child. I lived by that credo then, as I do now. Sadly, Tara did not. The one that was hurt by it the most was our son, Cameron. I didn’t understand what was happening then, but now I’m starting to realize it.

He is now an adult and I have started to backtrack through the past, painting a true picture for Cameron of what transpired. I suspect he won’t believe my words at first. He may even implore me to stop them altogether. But, my duty is not to give him what he wants, but what he needs. It is my hope and prayer that Cameron will someday read these words and come to a better understanding of who I am, that the big wrongdoing in his life did not come from anything I did (or did not do, for that matter). Yes, I could have, should have, and would have done a lot of things differently, but it wasn’t me that alienated him from me. Nothing I did caused this estrangement. I am certain of that.

Again, it is my hope and prayer that he is doing well. I wish him all the happiness in the world and hope that he holds true to that which is good and lets go of the evil. There are so many temptations in this world and I know, from personal experience, that they can sometimes seem too appealing to pass by. However, we must make the effort to do that which is right. We must persevere and get back up every time we fall down. I could see from early on that Cam had great potential. I believe that, despite his raucous upbringing, he will become a great individual. It all starts from the heart, and his is a very kind and loving one. I wish him well.

I finally received information as to my son’s whereabouts. I must admit that I’m receiving this secondhand, so I’m not certain as to its truth. However, I got it through loved ones, my mother and niece, and they have no reason to change the facts. So, I tend to believe it, no matter how far fetched it sounded.

My niece Ericka went to my son’s last-known residence several times during the weekend, but nobody was home. Then, she went there on Tuesday and met with my ex-wife, Tara. Tara told her that they had been out of town.

Tara said that the reason she had her phone disconnected and her email account closed was because of me! She said that someone that knows me had been calling her on the phone and saying bad things. She said that they were also sending her email messages containing information that only she and I would know. Tara went on to say that I have degrading things on my website about her and that Cameron has read them. According to her, I am to blame for her cutting the lines of communication – once again, staying true to her never-changing character.

What better place to address these disparaging remarks than here? Well, first and foremost, I doubt that this is the reason she had her phone disconnected and email account closed. I tend to believe she has serious credit problems, again. You see, some people change and some people stay the same. When Tara and I were married, we had serious credit problems. We over-extended ourselves. I cannot speak for her, though I’m fairly certain she would tell you it was my entire fault, but that’s simply not true. We were both to blame. I learned from those mistakes of the past and have strived not to repeat them. Except for a loan for my new house, I have been debt-free for several years. I’m not rich, by any means, but I do pay my bills and I don’t buy anything on credit.

Just hearing these things brings to my mind several incidents where Tara sought to blame me for her problems. I’ll get more to that later, but suffice it to say that she is notorious for this. I mean, here I am on the other side of the world, having not spoken to her in more than two years (and even then it was for less than a minute), and I haven’t the foggiest idea of what she is up to or if she is even living in the same place, and she says I am to blame for her persecution? What a crock! Yes, I have put disparaging remarks about her on my website, but none of it is untrue and it is really just the tip of the iceberg. I had intended, and still do, to document most of the major occurrences between us that affected my relationship (or lack thereof) with my son, Cameron.

I think it is great that he has read my remarks about his mother! I hope he continues to read them in the future as I build a true picture of her, one from my level-headed perspective, rather than the grotesque one she has undoubtedly drawn of me over the years. If he doesn’t want to know the truth and chooses to go on living in the bubble his mother has created around him, he is free to do so. My responsibility, as his loving father, is to make it available to him, just as I have made myself available to him from the get-go.

I just cannot help but wonder about the whole phone accusation Tara made. I have no idea how it is possible that someone I know has called her about me, even once. I, myself, have spoken to her no more than half a dozen times at that number during the past decade! And, I certainly have not given it out to anybody. As I recall, Tara told me she had the number unlisted, because of bill collectors. So, I never gave it out to anyone. I mean, why would I? It has always been my hope that Cameron would actually want to have a relationship with me and communicate with me, by phone and other means. Why would I jeopardize that by giving her number out to one of my friends?

And what of “my friends”? Let me tell you, I really don’t have any friends that would give a whit about my relationship with my ex-wife, or even with Cameron for that matter. I haven’t had any real close friends since college. And, I have absolutely no communication with those friends! I am a loner, through and through. So, for someone to claim they are my friend and harass Tara on my behalf is just difficult for me to believe. If there is someone who did this, as she claims, I am definitely not involved. And, I think this individual better rethink what he or she is doing, as it does me a disservice. Those alleged actions that he or she did were both unscrupulous and injudicious. I stand against that kind of behavior.

Regarding the disparaging remarks on this website, I have offended more than just my ex-wife with things on here. I don’t receive much traffic for it to be a large problem, but some people who I have commented on have voiced their disapproval. I have invited those individuals to leave their comments on the entries they find offensive, giving their side of the story. However, they have been fearful of doing that. Instead, they just continue to ask me to take it off the internet. Such is the way with the truth. I say let it stand as is. That is one of the major reasons I began this website in the first place, to reveal myself (complete with my many flaws) to the world. And, a big part of that intent was for my son, Cameron, to read them. So, this news of him reading my comments (if it is true) comes to me as a big thrill.

Tara also told Ericka that he, Cameron, knows where to get a hold of me if he needs me. Of course, this was meant as a “Don’t call him, he’ll call you” decree, but that is how it has been for quite sometime, so nothing has changed there. I’m just happy to know where he is and that he is okay. The news about him reading my website was just a great bonus. Now, I’m really going into detail about how our estrangement came about! One reader commented that he felt there was a lot of “angst” in my weblog entries. Well, he ain’t seen nothin’ yet! The appropriate entries will be timestamped to their past approximate dates, so they won’t appear on the weblog’s frontpage.

By the way, Cameron if you’re reading this I would love to hear from you. I miss you deeply and have felt not quite whole since we parted. I often look at your pictures I have displayed here in my office (taken when you were very young) and hope that you are alright. I wish things had been better for you growing up and would have made it different, if I knew then what I know now. I will always love you, Cameron.