It is my birthday, and I’m not as happy as I should be. I still think about the comment someone made regarding my weblog entries and how they appear to be “filled with angst”. That reader really didn’t have any idea just how much angst I do in fact feel. What I write here is only the tip of the iceberg! I spend a lot of time reflecting upon the past, as is evident in many of my weblog entries. Often, I feel that each day is worse than the day before it, as if I am at the edge of a deep ravine, clinging to the side of a cliff, and slowly slipping toward the bottom. My parents tell me to be happy for what I have, but should I be happy that I’m not plummeting to the bottom of the deep ravine? I mean, I’m still going to end up there, right?
That sounded very depressing, didn’t it? Well, “depressing” is really too strong of a word for how I feel. I know “depressing”, because I have been there. I know what it is like to be at the bottom of a deep ravine, emotionally, and believe there is no way to get out of it. That is real “depressing”. I have vowed never to allow myself to feel that way again. It was a horrible time in my life and quite confusing, both to me and those around me. No thank you. Life is too short to believe it should be even shorter. I know I have a lot of things to be happy about. I’m not entirely full of doom and gloom, but there is that pervasive “angst” the reader was referring to. He may have hit the nail on the head with that comment.
Today is also my anniversary. I have now been married for a whopping 5 years! (It seems like its been an eternity.) The truth be told, this marriage has had (and continues to have) more problems than the first one. The reason why it has lasted longer is predominantly due to the fact that I’m quite a bit more mature now than I was during the first one. I don’t let myself get too upset over the difficulties. I accept that there are problems and go from there. I hope that things will get better, but I know that it won’t be a quick fix. It will take quite a while to achieve a level of happiness that I am content with. I have to have patience with my spouse and, more importantly, with myself.
Some people might say I have built a cocoon around myself. That wouldn’t be far from the truth, as I have settled into an attitude of acceptance that things are not as I wish them to be in my world. That’s life, to me. There may be others in this world that are happy with their lives, both family and professional. I am not one of them. I love my job, as a teacher, and can’t imagine a better profession for me, but I would also love to be in a different position, serving as a teacher. I love my family and home, as a father and husband, but I would also love things to be more amicable and organized around the home.
Often, I make the comparison of my daily life to that of a merry-go-round ride. I am, like so many others in this world, just going through the robotic motions of existing. I know there is a whole lot more out there, beyond this cyclical journey, but I am comfortable with just staying where I am. There is a good/bad equilibrium that exists for me right now and I have a fear that the scales might tip toward the bad, if I were to attempt to get off of the merry-go-round. Still, I wonder what would happen if I…
Oh well, I’ll leave that thought (and possible action) to another day. Why cause things to be worse, on my birthday of all days!? I wish you, the reader, well on this day and am grateful you stuck it through this wordy missive. Frankly, I know that little of what I write is worth reading. I’m just trying to hone my skills a bit. Perhaps in the distant future I’ll get it right, thereby writing profound words of wisdom that rival those words of the great philosophers of our time. That would really be something, a bonafide miracle to be sure!