Cameron Iverson, my son, was part of the subject matter of an entry I made yesterday. I brought up again the sorrow I feel each day that I am not close to him. Upon returning home after work, I checked my email and discovered that amazon.com was unable to deliver the gift certificate I requested be sent for his Christmas present.

Normally, I have them send a gift certificate to Cam for his birthdays and Christmases. The only way I can get the gift certificate to him is through Tara, his mother. It is a weird situation, but one that has developed from my inability to make contact with him. The last time I spoke to him on the phone he said that someone had stolen his yahoo email account and he didn’t want to get another one. When I questioned him as to why, he said that he just didn’t want to. That was two years ago, yesterday, and I haven’t heard from him since.

So, I thought that this gift certificate would be processed normally as have all the other ones. I have never missed a birthday or Christmas present for Cameron. Each year, I spend several hundred dollars on his presents, even though I have absolutely no communication with him. Incidentally, I pay my child support in full in a timely manner. (Actually, I pay it 6 months in advance so as not to get even close to being late.) I am not a rich man, so yes, the money is an issue. I feel like I deserve to hear from him just from that alone.

But, aside from the money I send, and more importantly, I do love Cameron. He is on my mind almost continually. It isn’t a good feeling, though. I bear it like a cross, simply because I have no communication with him. Actually, I have almost no visitation with him since he was 6 years old, but he still occupies my thoughts 12 years later. Even though Cameron is now 18 years old, I still pay child support because he hasn’t finished high school yet. I assumed the money was getting to him and everything was okay, so I had no reason to suspect something was amiss – until last night.

After receiving the “undeliverable” notice from amazon.com, I sent an email message to Tara directly. Shortly thereafter, I received a notice from yahoo.com that that message was undeliverable, too. It stated that Tara’s email account had been closed. (Who actually closes their email account? I think I have like 4 or 5 still out there that I never use.)

After that, I called Tara on the telephone. I got a recording saying that the number had been disconnected and no further information was available. I felt puzzled by this and a little peeved that Tara had done this without notifying me. I mean, I don’t even have custody of our son and I notify her every time I make a move, with new address and phone number. Really, I’m not even sure if she moved. I’m just assuming. She did this twice before, without giving me any information as to her new whereabouts. (That’s subject matter for another entry entirely.) So, I’m assuming that is the case now. I think the next move would be to try and get a friend or family member that lives there to verify if she has indeed moved. I’m going to see if my parents can contact someone there.

Amazon.com also said that the gift certificate could not be refunded. It can be issued to someone else, however, but I’m hoping to not have to do that. I hope that I can find my son and get the present to him somehow. I am just worried sick about this, literally.

Today, I woke up with a terrible sore throat, and I don’t even have tonsils. I was walking around in a daze, wondering what has happened. Normally, I worry about Cameron on a daily basis, but this is even a stronger worry. Shu Mei didn’t help matters when she stated, last night, “You’ve really lost your son now.” That phrase pierced my heart. I think she didn’t mean any harm by it, but words can really hurt sometimes. I hate to admit it, but this is the place to not hold back feelings, I cried in the shower this morning. I haven’t cried in a long time. I just couldn’t stop myself. All the emotions that I’ve been carrying deep within all these years, all the heartache I’ve had for having such a terrific son and then becoming estranged to him, it all just came to the surface.

If you’ve ever had a loved one die, I feel for you. I really do. But, feel for my situation. I have a loved one, my son, who hasn’t died. He is still alive. However, I cannot see him. It is a long story how it got to this point, but it was all instigated by his mother. Tara portrayed me as some terrible ogre character to Cameron, while at the same time keeping him from me. The precious few times that I did have visitation with him (through several legal battles and a lot of money spent on lawyers on my part), we had a wonderful time. There was never a hint that he was not enjoying his time with me. On the contrary, he hated to go back home. But, the trips became less frequent as Tara would either not be there at the prearranged time or simply kept me from taking him. Still, I gullibly thought that I was doing the right thing by not seeking custody, that no child should be without his mother. What a crock of baloney that is, when the mother is as emotionally unstable as she is. Mind you, I’m no rock of Gibraltar myself, but I do have integrity and have always tried to do right by Cameron. If time has taught me one thing, it has taught me to never give up trying to do the right thing. I feel tremendous guilt that I didn’t do what I should have, taken over custody of Cameron in the courts. I am 100 percent certain I could have, at a time, but I put what I thought were his interests over my own. Hindsight has proven that our interests were more in line than I had thought at the time.

Now, I don’t even know where Cameron is. I lost communication with him long ago, but at least I still knew where he was. He is out there, somewhere. I hope and pray that he is alright. I hope that he is a better man than I was and strives to do the right thing. I started this weblog chiefly because of Cameron. I wanted a way for him to contact me, if he ever chooses to. Also, I wanted him to learn what kind of person his father is like, even if he chooses to not make that step in contacting me. It is out of my realm of thinking as to why he wouldn’t want to have a relationship with me, but I am not him and I have not had a domineering mother, guiding my every action, my whole life. Hopefully, he can learn from his past and go forward, rising above the fray to be someone great, someone I felt he could be from the very beginning. He was such a fantastic little boy; I can’t imagine him not becoming a fantastic man. I was honored to have had the opportunity to be in his life, albeit for a small time, too small of a time. Cameron, wherever you are, I love you and would be thrilled to hear from you.

Living in Taiwan has brought about many special experiences for me, happenings that would have never taken place had I not ventured abroad. I am grateful that I made the decision to make that journey nearly 5 years ago. However, I have to admit that I would not have stated such gratitude shortly after coming here.

Upon arriving here, I discovered that things were not as I had expected them to be. I had visited Taiwan before and thought I knew what I was in for, but I really wasn’t prepared for the challenges that lay before me. Or, was I? At any rate, I plunged on through it all, weathering the cultural shock storms as it were, and came to the realization that you cannot really know a place until you’ve lived there.

I had traveled to many locales in this big world of ours, and seen many eye-opening sights along the way, but all that taught me little about how other cultures truly are. Frankly, I have only learned in the years living here that I haven’t got a clue about how people from other cultures think. I could live a thousand lifetimes and never get a grasp on another culture, UNLESS one of those lifetimes was from beginning to end in that culture. (Well, at least “from beginning” for sure.) Journeying around the world I was, after all, merely a tourist.

Fast forward to this year and you’ll see that I have settled into this lifestyle, like breaking in a new lounge chair. Sitting comfortably now, I thoroughly enjoy my surroundings, not the least of which is my new house.

A few months ago, Shu Mei, the boys, and I moved into our new home. Tending towards an American style, our new digs are a thousand times better than where we lived before. Finally, Billy and Tyley have a room spacious enough to allow for their various game playing. And, Shu Mei has her dream kitchen, complete with all the major appliances and oodles of storage. These were just two of the things we went without in our old home. There have been other material niceties accumulated during this past year (like a new car), but none of it adds up to my greatest joy – Billy and Tyley.

Billy and Tyley are growing up fast, way too fast if you ask me. I try to spend as much time with them as I can, trying to enjoy this whirlwind ride as long as it lasts. They demonstrate a great deal of compassion towards me, something that I greatly needed after my faulty relationship with my firstborn, Cameron.

As you know, I have always regretted not being able to have raised my son from my first marriage, Cameron. This is something that has weighed heavily upon me on a daily basis. It is something that I will undoubtedly carry with me throughout the rest of my existence. I am deeply saddened when I think about it, how I could have been there on a daily basis, as his loving father, if the situation had been different. It was a poor situation and I will forever feel sorry for the one it hurt the most, my dear Cameron.

I am doing my best to not repeat those mistakes of the past with my two sons Billy and Tyley. I may not be the best father in the world (although I earnestly strive to be), but I am as accessible to them as any working father ever could be. Almost exclusively, from the moment I come home from work until I put them to bed at night, I spend my time with them. I don’t want to miss a thing. Actually, I feel that I could be a pretty good Mr. Mom, if Shu Mei wanted to switch roles with me.

Family time is of paramount importance to me. Certainly, I get frustrated when the boys get out of control with their rambunctious playing, but I never let it get to the point where I lose my cool with them. I strive to set down the guidelines, with accompanying penalties if they are not kept, to Billy and Tyley in a calm and sober manner. Likewise, I deliver said penalties with the same demeanor.

Because I put so much importance on spending time with Billy and Tyley, I quit teaching every night as soon as Billy was born. For the better part of the first year here, I was working virtually every waking hour, trying desperately to make our cram school a success. That proved to be of little use, as the school went belly up and I was forced to seek employment at a distant high school.

Luckily, I have been employed at a nearby high school going on three years now. I make the 16-minute commute every weekday morning and go home promptly at 4:30 p.m., save for working one required evening.

I applaud all of my friends who are still working at the airlines. That was a job that was more than I could handle. The truth be told, I was loathing it a mere five years into the decade I was there. So, for 5 years I suffered through it. Yes, I envy those who could take the abuse dished out by the public and still come to work with high spirits. That takes a special kind of character trait, one that I didn’t possess.

Life as a teacher has been wonderful. The pay is peanuts, but that’s not where the rewards are. I enjoy helping students to find the desire within themselves to progress, to make each day better than the one before it. I cannot imagine a profession that could give me as much self-worth and sense of accomplishment as this one has. Making money has its positives, but leading a well-balanced life is what I am all about now.

Someone wrote me recently, stating that my weblog entries were full of angst. That is most undoubtedly true, as I have felt a lot of angst in my life. Still, I hope that will change and I look forward to a bigger and brighter future in the years to come. I wish all my loved ones the very best that life has to offer during this special season. I hope that this message finds them well. If not, I hope that they will remember that things are not always as bad as they might seem at the moment. And, if they actually are really that bad, there is always hope that they will get better. Take care, all.