There is an ever-present feeling of sadness that surrounds me. I have managed to keep it at bay, for the most part, lest it should take over and impede my ability to function. I know that situation all too well, having suffered from depression during my first marriage. My wife then, Tara, wasn’t a bit understanding of my situation. I’m pretty confident that my wife now, Shu Mei, would be of the same mindset.

You see, unless you’ve actually been clinically depressed or studied about it, you really cannot understand it. To those people who are unfamiliar with its causes and cures, it simply looks like laziness in need of a swift butt-kicking. In reality it is everything but that. The depressed person has great desire to do things, even more than the non-depressed person, but there is a blocking of the neurotransmitters in his or her brain that separates the desire from the action. Nagging and complaining to a depressed person only leads to an increased blockage, brought about from the stress caused by that negative behavior, and deepens the depression.

I would imagine that intense psychological help in the form of daily counseling sessions could bring a person out of a depression, maybe, but proper medication stands a better chance of doing it more quickly and thoroughly. The drug that helped me get out of my depression is called Prozac. It took a couple of months for it to take affect, but after it did I was right as rain. Sadly, my ex-wife didn’t realize it was the medication that had helped me. She was of the mindset that all her nagging helped me start to act. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It was her nagging that prolonged the depression unnecessarily. And, I’m pretty sure the nagging was a big contributing factor in the onset of the depression in the first place. Nagging is simply a way of adding fuel to the fire of a clinically depressed person. It sends him or her farther into depression.

So, knowing firsthand about depression has helped me avoid it since that time. I don’t let myself become overly stressed. I take the philosophy that it is all small stuff, so I shouldn’t sweat it. That helps get me through the day, on a day-to-day basis.

Still, I do get pretty sad.

Currently, I am ill. I feel terrible, both physically and emotionally. I just can’t shake these flu-like symptoms I’ve been having. I’ll say one thing, being sick does nothing to help my attitude.

My mother sent an email to me today regarding two unfortunate occurrences. First, my aunt Jane is very ill. My mother fears that she will even die. Second, my uncle Neil had a nephew that died. He was just one year older than me.

My heat goes out to my mother at this time, because I know that she has been very close to Jane for all her life. Not only has Jane been her favorite sister, but her best friend, as well. I think it may be difficult for my mother if Jane passes away. Even though they haven’t spoken on a regular basis as they once did (for years, they spoke daily), it would be hard to know that she can’t just pick up the phone and do that again.

I just can’t imagine what is going through my mother’s head at this time. She told me that she feels it is time for Jane to reunite with their mother and Jane’s twin sister. Jane had a twin sister that died at birth. I know that Jane has often spoken of her twin sister and how happy she will be to see her on the other side. Obviously, there was a bond there that surpassed her mortality, something she felt within her very soul.

I have had a pervasive feeling for quite sometime that every day is worse than the day before it. It’s true. I hate the passing of time, because it brings about yet more problems and more tragedies. I’ve tried to readjust my thinking and look at the glass as half full, but it seems that I’m on a path of doom and there is no way to change my course.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve prayed for motivation. Fervently, I have asked Our Heavenly Father to show me the way to live my life to its fullest. Thus far, no answer has come my way. Life has been a constant inner struggle for me. There is very little that brings me happiness. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but I beg to differ. Loss is a terribly difficult thing to endure. I have lost much in my life. The small gains do not equal even a small portion of the losses. That is why I feel each passing day is worse than the day before it.

My mother’s story of Neil’s nephew dying, a man that was just one year older than me, brought up many of the feelings of turmoil I am going through. I hate to take everything so personal, but that is what being ill does to me. What I was thinking, as I read her story about the man, was that he had someone who cared him, cared about whether he lived or died. Whatever the reason for that “caring” may have been, someone actually paid attention to whether he was around or not. On top of that, he had five children to bring him joy each day. As an engineer, he was probably making enough money to provide for them. From my perspective, his life was pretty darn good.

If I dropped dead today, my wife wouldn’t care a whit. In fact, she would probably be happy, as I believe there is a life insurance policy she could cash in on. It isn’t a lot of money in that policy, but it is more than she has now. The big thrill for her would be to get rid of me, the “cause” of all her problems.

I ride a scooter to work everyday. It scares the heck out of me, but Shu Mei encourages it, as “we cannot afford two cars”. While she is peacefully slumbering in bed each morning, I am dodging some of the worst traffic I have ever experienced. These Taiwanese drivers are crazy! I have no idea how some of them got a driver’s license. (They probably didn’t, being the miserly kind that they are.) My driving history isn’t the greatest, so when I think they are bad they must REALLY be bad!

Shu Mei had a plan to get a loan, once our house is built. I can already see how she is cutting back on that plan by reducing the amount of things “we” want for the new house. If her course is allowed to continue unimpeded, I have no doubt that my “office” will consist of a beach towel hung from the ceiling, dividing the main room from my “office”. What I had viewed as a much-needed frugal angel-of-mercy before we got married has turned into an irritating, miserly, stubborn, and selfish succubus from hell after we got married. My how people change for the worse!

Apparently, I agreed to cut our cable last week, as Shu Mei did that today. The lady showed up to collect the bill and Shu Mei canceled it. I do remember talking to her about it, but I’ve been pretty sick and wasn’t sure what was said. She told me that we agreed to cancel it, because Billy and Tyley shouldn’t watch TV. Always trying to be the “yes” man, I let it go.

Not that I watch that much TV (I basically watch only CNN every now and then), but it seems like just another thing taken away from my life. After all, I have had television available to me for as long as I can remember. Now, I won’t have that “luxury”. (Remember, here in Taiwan, there is no broadcast TV. It is all via cable.) And, I don’t know what Shu Mei will use to replace TV with for Billy and Tyley. There have been many times she’s used it as a babysitter, while she prepared their food. I know she can pop in a DVD for them to watch, but that would require extra effort on her part and I can’t even get her to put toilet paper on the toilet paper holder.

Do you ever grow tired of reading about my whining? I certainly don’t grow tired of writing about it. Hehe! You always have the option of not reading it. I’d never know. Actually, there is so much more I could say. Today, I’ve been mulling over memories of all the things I did wrong in my life. There were oodles of things I could have and should have done better. I harbor vast amounts of regrets, having seemingly made the wrong choices at every possible opportunity. A life full of failures is not something fun to relive. So, I’m forcing myself to focus on the tasks of today and work on the storyboard for the student video. At least I’m thinking again. I haven’t been able to do that much during this prolonged illness.

All I can do is hope that things will get better, beginning with my health.

Fool heartedly; I was waiting for a good day to write another entry. That day never came. If I was to live by the credo “If you haven’t got anything good to say, don’t say anything at all”, I would never say anything. These past 10 days have been very unpleasant, struggling to maintain the status quo through my prolonged illness.

It began with a sore throat. This migrated into flu-like symptoms with overall body aches and hot/cold flashes. In addition to that, I went through a period of diarrhea and nausea. The nausea continues to bring about daily vomiting. Then, I developed a persistent wheezing, shortness of breathe, and frequent coughing fits, all of which I’m still experiencing. The worse symptom was the ear ache. Just a few days ago, it felt like someone was jabbing needles into my ears, and I fear it will return.

I don’t know what brought about this strange illness. I have no idea how to get rid of it. Going to a doctor has proven useless in the past, and I have no reason to believe it would be different this time. Therefore, I choose to just endure through this. It wouldn’t be so bad if those around me actually acknowledged that I am sick. The closest it has come was a few days ago when I spontaneously began vomiting into my hand. This was one of those rare instances that Shu Mei felt compelled to muster up the exhaustive effort to activate her vocal cords, as she said, “You should see a doctor.” [Sic] Aside from that instance, there has never been an ounce of acknowledgment that I am sick from her, let alone demonstrating anything remotely compassionate.

I feel drained of energy and I am really irritable. The constant clattering of Chinese in the house only adds to my anxiety. It irks me that Shu Mei cannot speak English to Billy and Tyley. I am 100 percent certain that if this continues, which it probably will, they will be unable to speak English in less than 5 years from now. The few hours a day that they spend with me will not stop this from happening. I have told this to Shu Mei, but she shows no concern over the matter. If we plan on living in the US in the next 10 years, which we do, it is important that they know how to speak English.

I’m going to end this here. I could write a book on my current displeasure with everything, but it would serve little use. You may believe I am depressed and should be on Prozac, but I still maintain that I know what depression is, because I’ve been there before, and this is different. This is just sadness that I’m feeling for having allowed myself to get into a terrible situation. I rack my head, wondering what the hell I was thinking. Didn’t my experiences of the past teach me anything??? I am so stupid.