Billy loves to look at books. For as long as I can remember, it was like that. From birth, Shu Mei would read children’s books to him. Now, at the age of two, he has a great desire to look at the books both with us and alone. I hope his enjoyment of reading continues with him throughout his life. It would serve him well.

This evening, he got out one of his favorite books, a children’s Church book. The book contains several gospel stories for children, complete with simplified text and a lot of pictures. He took it to Shu Mei, who read one of the stories to him. Pointing at a barefooted Jesus Christ, Billy said, “I want to buy him some shoes.” If that wasn’t funny enough, he pointed to Our Heavenly Father, adding, “And his daddy, too!”

A few weeks ago, I was taking Billy upstairs to give him a bath before his bedtime, as I do each night. This particular night he was somewhat boisterous. Because Billy was louder than normal, I feared that he might wake up is brother Tyley, who had gone to bed about an hour earlier. Pausing on the stairs I said to Billy, “If you wake up your brother, I will be very angry. Do you understand?” He replied, “Understand.” And we continued to the bathroom.

Once in the bathtub, Billy forgot about being quiet, being distracted by his toy boat and “duckies”. He was louder than usual that night. Subsequently, Tyley woke up in his crib and started to cry. When I heard this, I gave Billy a stern look and said, “Billy, did you wake up Tyley?” “No,” He replied, “He’s just sleeping very loudly.”

Billy heard a Chinese celebration going on in our neighborhood one night as I put him in his bed. “What’s that noise?” He asked me. I told him that the banging sounds were from firecrackers. Not knowing what they were, but having a sweet tooth as most two-year-olds do, Billy said, “I don’t like ‘firecrackers’. I like firecookies!”

Then there was the night that we found a cockroach upstairs. I quickly disposed of it. The next day, Billy said it was back upstairs and had gotten really big. He wanted to show me this imaginary cockroach, but I thought it better to try and teach him a lesson in honesty. I told him that if we went upstairs and it wasn’t there, I would punish him. Then I asked him if he still wanted to show it to me. He shook his head. I asked why not. He responded, “Because it will eat us and we will be dead.”

Growing up, I would sometimes make my parents wait for me to do something. It was during those times that my father would often ask, “What are you waiting for, Christmas?”. I have found myself saying the same thing to Billy on more than one occasion. Then, the other day I told Billy to put his shoes on so we could go to Church. He was playing with a toy and wasn’t quick to heed my instructions. “Well,” I asked him, “What are you waiting for?” He looked up at me, smiled, and answered, “Christmas!”

Great happiness came over me as I read an email message from my mother today. Basically, it was in response to one I had sent to her a few days ago. The overall theme of the message I had sent her was of the same vein as my weblog posting yesterday. She responded as a good mother should, with words of encouragement and also revealed something new about herself.

She told me that she had some regrets about how she raised her kids, the four of us. She stated that, if she could do it all over again, she would change how she dealt with us throughout our years with her and Dad. I have never seen this side of her before. Prior to this revelation by her, all I heard from her regarding this subject was, “I did the best I could at the time.” Of course, that still holds true, but she has added a caveat that she now knows some better ways.

My parents have softened quite a bit in their recent years. A few weeks ago, my mother turned 70 and I think she is reflecting upon her life a bit. Even though she feels that she “did the best” she could “at the time”, she is realizing that her best wasn’t necessarily the best.

Because Mom shared this with me, I feel closer to her. Now I see her more completely. Before, she was just the best mother I could have ever hoped for. Now, she is that and more; she is a well-rounded person. Sometimes my mother has come across as having her head in the clouds, pursuing some get-rich quick entrepreneur ventures from time-to-time, but she has always had her feet on the ground.

Though I don’t really know the specifics of how she raised my brother and two sisters, I do feel that she couldn’t have done better with me. If there was a theoretic rope attached to me during my rearing, my mother held it tight enough so that I wouldn’t hang myself, but loose enough so that I could follow my dreams. She always emphasized that I could be anything I wanted to be, if I only tried.

Another thing I loved about how my mother raised me, among many things, is the fact that she was always there for me, at home. Her sole occupation wasn’t a housewife during those years. She worked also. However, her job was as an elementary school librarian. The reason for having that particular job was so that she could be home when I left for my school and be home before I returned. Because she never brought work home with her, I only saw her as the kind nurturing mother that I have always loved so much.

I wish that my wife Shu Mei could be such a mother. Thus far, she has been doing a wonderful job. She is a stay-at-home mom for Billy and Tyley and does various activities with the both of them. She really cares for them. Still, I am worried because she has a burning desire to get back into the workforce. I stated my position to her against this quite clearly on more than a few occasions. However, Shu Mei is adamant about pursuing money-making opportunities outside of the home.

This is difficult for me, given my point-of-view. The fact that I am supposed to be the sole bread-winner exacerbates the situation. I feel that I am may not be doing as well as she expects. Otherwise, I figure, why would she see fit to seek additional income for our household? I feel inadequate and, because Shu Mei handles our family finances, I have an uncomfortable awareness now that we may be poverty-stricken. I know that I earn far less money than I did in America, but I thought the lower cost of living here in Taiwan more than compensated for that. Given Shu Mei’s actions, I could be dead wrong.

Therefore, I have recommitted myself to the attitude of spending less, even though I have no idea how I could possibly do that. I mean, I have come a long way from my first marriage, where I was a verifiable spendthrift, even to the point of spending more than I had. (Can we say credit problems?) When I met Shu Mei, I thought I was doing fine, staying on top of bills. However, she showed me that to just stay on top of the bills isn’t enough. One must prepare for the rainy day.

So, I got out of debt completely and have been ignoring the temptation to go back into it. Debt was such a horrible thing. Being out of it felt like what it must be like to get out of prison. I don’t want to return to that dark cold place. In fact, there have been a few times when Shu Mei has suggested we go into debt to buy something. Ironically, it is I who has stopped us from going forth with that desire of hers. So, I’m proud of myself. Notwithstanding, I must maintain focus on spending as little as possible.

There is an overwhelming feeling, with each new day, that I have lost something from the previous day. From where this feeling comes, I don’t know. It is as if I feel that yesterday was always better than today. You can imagine what that is like to carry around each day. It is a heavy bourdon and one that I must carry alone.

Why do I feel that my past was better than my present? Are there others that feel this way, too? Is it a mental disorder? More importantly, how do I overcome this feeling, one that I have had since as far back as I can remember? It seems to be getting stronger the longer I live. What is it about yesterday that seems so great?

The purpose of starting this weblog was to answer some of these questions. The problem is that I haven’t followed through on keeping it update with my current happenings. Oh, I have meant to. I continually walk about thinking of the things I will write about upon my next sitting. However, my next sitting comes and finds me off doing other things. I end up reading the latest world news on google.com or constructing an activity for school. Often times, I just want to relax and surf the internet for whatever catches my fancy. Consequently, none of my previous thoughts get recorded.

Then there was the purchase of a memory stick with voice recording. I intended on using it for a twofold purpose, to listen to Chinese language instruction mp3 files and to record thoughts as I had them. Regretfully, neither of the intentions came to fruition. So, maybe my big challenge is to actually follow through with something?

Upon self-reflection, I can see that follow-through is a big problem of mine. I tend to take on too many projects and then find an excuse to drop them all. I blame it on others, of course. Along with my longing for the past, I long for acceptance and encouragement from others. I feel that I haven’t received enough. So, I make excuses.

Certainly, life would be better for me if I was surrounded by individuals who supported my honorable efforts. “Wouldn’t it be a Shangri-La,” I often think to myself, “If I actually had encouragement from others?” Currently, that wishful thinking is getting me nowhere. It isn’t happening and has as much of a chance of happening as I do of winning the lottery.

Ah, maybe therein lays the key? You see, I don’t play the lottery. Rather, I don’t play the lottery on a regular basis, sporadically at best. Such is the effort I put forth in virtually everything. Again, the lack of follow-through is a predominant misgiving in my life.

Still, I believe that I will someday be able to keep a string of regular entries in this weblog. I believe that I will put forth the effort to construct my past, using this weblog, so that I can see it for what it was. Obviously, there are things in my present that are better than my past. I just don’t see a lot of them now. So, reconstructing my past through after-the-fact weblog entries may help me.

Another reward for keeping regular weblog entries may be the honing of some long-lost writing skills, though that would be a byproduct at best. Many years ago, I possessed somewhat of a flair for writing. Biblically, we are taught that when we don’t use a talent we lose it. Such was the case with me. I hope to regain it through practice, but that seems a long way off and too distant to envision at this point. However, I still wish.

The big purpose of keeping regular weblog entries, and one that overshadows all others, is to really show those who read who I am. I want to conduct this weblog with the utmost honesty, without reservation and with an open-book attitude. Undoubtedly, there will be some that are hurt by the words I say. They will either be hurt personally or their view of me will be degraded. Such is the risk I take so that I can come to terms with my true self.

A man far wiser than me once said “To thine own self be true” and that is what I’m trying to do. For far too long have I pretended to be someone that I’m not that now, after 40 years of life, I haven’t a clue as to who I am. You might chalk it up to a midlife crisis of some sort. Perhaps that would explain it. However, I thought I went through one of those 5 years ago, while at the age of 35 I thought it was okay to be dating a 20-year-old. Could I be having a second crisis? Perhaps this is a post-midlife crisis?

Regardless of what mental disorders I am having, I need to focus on not worrying about what others think and worry about what I think. I haven’t accomplished much in my life to date, wondering if others would accept me or reject me for what I said and did. So, that wasn’t the way to go. I doubt I have as many years to live as I have lived already. I better make them count by rethinking how I go about things.

I was thinking about all of this yesterday, when I presented one class of mine with their current grades. They are a few weeks past their midterm point. Sixty percent of the class is failing the course. I emphatically stressed to them that now is the time for them to change. They need to change their study habits, putting my class as a higher priority, or they will fail. It is ultimately up to them. Upon self-reflection, I realize that I am in a similar situation with my life. With each passing day seeming worse than the one which preceded it, I feel that I am failing. Now is the time to change. I must find the answers to my life questions before it is too late.

Often, I feel that my life is like a merry-go-round. Each day I seem to be doing the same things. That feeling resembles a midlife crisis, yes, but it is more than that. I am feeling like someday I will wake up dead and wonder what it was all about. What purpose would there have been for me to be alive? Why was I sent to this earth by God, as I believe I was, to accomplish so little? I hope not. I hope that I have some better things in store for me.

As I write this, I am beginning to have hope that this little project will help me realize that I am accomplishing something already. For instance, I do know that being a teacher is the greatest career I have ever had. It is one that I should have had years before. I wasted so much time! I have mentioned it on more than one occasion that when I die I want “Teacher” on my headstone. I hope that someone follows through with that.